A Chance Meeting

“Jiang? Jiang, get up! It’s time to go shopping!”

Jiang groaned as the sun’s light filtered in through the window and stirred him from sleep, enough to hear his aunt calling him. “Just a few more minutes, auntie,” he mumbled, sinking his face deeper into his pillow, eyes glued shut. “Just a few more…”

“Jiang, come on! You don’t want to miss out on shopping, do you?”

He sank deeper into the covers, blocking the mighty sun’s rays with his blanket and groaning loud enough for his aunt to hear. “Just a few more…”

“Jiang Zhung!” he heard her say, exasperated. That was enough to get him rolling out of bed, yawning as he opened his room door and greeted his aunt with bags under his eyes. She smiled as he saw him for a second, the joy fading out into shock as she said, “Oh, goodness, you look absolutely exhausted! What on earth were you doing last night?”

“Not getting sleep,” came the grumpy reply. “Too many drunkards were out last night and causing a ruckus. Couldn’t sleep worth a damn.”

His aunt rested her head in her hand, concerned. “Oh dear, so that’s what all the noise was!” Her eyes narrowed a little bit as she asked, “And I suppose those yelps were from you dealing with the issue personally, right?”

Jiang looked away from his aunt, saying nothing. He did wake up in the middle of the night in time to hear them, then went down to tell them to shut up… Then he remembered the glass bottle smashing his chest, the anger rising deep within, and throttling all of them before heading back to sleep. It was a very good thing he had a shirt on: the last thing he needed his aunt to see the black-and-blue proof on his chest that he was up to no good.

Not that she needed to see it. “Oh, Jiang,” she said with a small sigh, pulling him into a small hug. “I know you did it because everyone needed some better rest, but there are better ways, you know? And it doesn’t look like it was worth the effort, especially if you’re still so tired.” Jiang felt a pang of guilt as she let go of him and smiled at him gently, like he didn’t just fight last night. “Either way, if you’re still sleepy, then I can go shopping on my own, okay? You just rest.”

The thought of going to sleep again was a relief, but Jiang shook his head as he replied, “No, I can go with you. Someone’s gotta carry the heavy stuff, and, well…” He frowned as he looked over his aunt and saw her legs trembling just a little. “You’re not in the best condition for that. Besides,” he added as he recalled Yin commenting on his “unique” smell, “I need to stop at the bathhouse, anyway.”

“If you’re sure, Jiang,” his aunt replied, her smile growing on her face, “then I’ll be more than happy to have you! You should visit the bathhouse first. Maybe that’ll wake you up a little more?”

A warm bath after a sleepless night with a fight? That was an offer Jiang simply couldn’t refuse. With a pep in his step, he hurried to get some clean clothes and bring them along as they made their stop at the bathhouse, eager to start the day fresh and cleaned of dirt and bad feelings.

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The town outskirts were lively today as several townspeople browsed the local farmers market for goods, eager to come home with bright red and green apples in their baskets or enjoy a glass of milk. Everything was noisy, between the people chatting amongst themselves to haggling with the merchants over the prices of freshly caught fish. Jiang found it hard to enjoy the lively atmosphere, however, as a few people gave him odd stares, the looks that all said, “Oh, it’s him.”

So he sat on a bench, keeping away from the general hustle and bustle while watching his aunt browse through the bountiful fruits, appraising each and every one of them as if she were a banker examining gold. Several townspeople approached her to speak with her, whether it be about the market itself or the latest rumor about Lady Ling’s love life. Jiang, on the other hand, was content to lay around and keep away from other people, catching a bit of rest where he could.

He was none too happy when someone shouted, “Hey, it’s Musclehead!” He sat up and turned towards the source:  a short, brown haired girl with a mischievous smirk plastered on her face. “Hi, Musclehead!” she said as she waved at him. “Haven’t seen you in a while! We all thought you might’ve gotten eaten by a wolf or something!”

“You mean you prayed I got eaten by a wolf, Yijun,” Jiang snapped back as he put his head in his hand and glared at her.

“Aw, Muscles, I would never do that!” Yijun said as she clasped her hands and put on her best innocent look. “I prayed that you’d come back, every night and day!” She looked towards the other people around the market, then back at Jiang as she added, “I mean, who else can do all my dirty work?”

Jiang rolled his eyes. “Good to know that you appreciate me for all the free labor. So, the heck do you want?”

“Oof, right to the point, huh?” Yijun put her hands on her hips, using one hand to flick back her long, brown tresses. “Come on, can’t you just chat with me like a normal person? I mean, I’m the only other person here that actually cares to talk to you.”

“Only because nobody else wants to put up with your shit.” He saw her look away and whistle innocently, trying to ignore the weight of his words. After a minute, Jiang sighed and asked, “So, what stupid favor do you want from me this time? And if it has anything to do with chimera pelts, forget it.”

“Awww, but the last one you got me made a fuzzy coat! It wasn’t that bad, was it?”

Jiang stared Yijun right in the eye and replied bluntly, “I almost died for your piece of shit coat. What did I get in return? Nothing.”

Yijun huffed, crossing her arms and turning away from him as she said, “Oh, my gratitude isn’t enough for you?” When he didn’t respond, she sighed dramatically and said, “Oh well. And here I was, thinking about actually helping you out. Guess it’s not all ‘You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’ in this world, huh…”

Jiang grit his teeth, glaring harder at the young woman sighing dramatically again and drawing the attention of nearby townspeople. He wanted to tell her to go fuck herself, but everyone’s stares made him uncomfortable. Eventually, it became too much, slumping and rolling his eyes as hard as he could without them falling out of his head before he asked reluctantly, “Well, what is it? I don’t have all day, you know.”

In an instant, Yijun turned to him, cheery as could be, clasping her hands together as she smiled. “Oh, so you’ll do it? Great! It’s nothing special, really… I juuust want you to go get a rainbow fish and get its scales for me, that’s all.” Jiang shot her another dirty look as she added hastily, “It might be a rare sighting, but I believe in you! I mean, you were lucky enough to come out alive after fighting a chimera, right, Muscles?”

You’re out of your fucking mind, you crazy bitch, is what Jiang wanted to say so, so badly, but with all eyes on him and the possibility of a reward, he replied, “Fine, but if all you’re giving me is gratitude, I’m taking those scales and giving them to Aunt Chun instead, got it?”

For a moment, Jiang saw Yijun grimace, before she replied sweetly, “Of course, of course! Now, chop chop, I don’t have all day!”

Jiang glanced over at Aunt Chun, whose basket was looking heavier and heavier with each bit of produce she got, then looked back at Yijun and said, “You’re going to have to wait ‘til I help auntie out. Unless you’d rather-“

“Oh, no no no, you can handle it!” Yijun said, holding up her hands and waving him off. “You do you, just make sure to bring me those scales, pronto!”

Both glad that she’d leave him alone for a while and annoyed that he was coerced into doing another stupidly tedious task, Jiang hurried to his aunt’s side to help her carry things while she finished up this shopping trip. He’d need a hearty lunch and a helluva lot of patience for this particular task.

If only Ning or Yin were able to help…

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The sun’s rays glistened off the lake’s clear blue waters, shining down as Jiang sat down in the grass and set up. He took a moment soak in the warmth, enjoy the spring breeze that rolled through the fields, listen to the gentle lapping of water on the lake’s shore. The scene was beyond serene, a nice change from the bustling farmer’s market. There wasn’t anyone to glare at him, nobody to bother him. It was just him and the water… and whatever lurked beneath the surface. He made sure to bring a bucket, just in case he caught any fish worth cooking up and eating later, and brought some good bait that a few local fishermen recommended at the market. Couldn’t catch a rainbow fish if he didn’t have what they wanted, right?

Well… maybe they didn’t want it so bad, because for the past few hours, not a single rainbow fish showed up, nevermind took the bait. There were plenty of trout and bass, and some that sort of look rainbow-ish, but none were actually the brilliant, seven-colored fish with shimmering scales. At least he was getting more stuff for fish stew, but Jiang knew he fucked up when he actually accepted the seemingly impossible task.

He set the bait and cast his line again, watching the waters with a bored look. The weather was nice enough that he started to doze off, catching a few more Zzzs that he missed last night. He might as well have fallen asleep right then and there…

Then, something tugged on the line. Startled from his rest, he tugged back, but quickly found that whatever took the bait, it was damn heavy. With a mix of curiosity and excitement, he started to reel it back, putting all his strength into pulling up this catch, hoping that maybe it was a giant rainbow fish of all things.

When Jiang finally pulled it out of the water, he stared as it flew overhead. If that was a fish, it was absolutely huge.

FLOP, it went onto the ground. There, Jiang saw his mistake. It was kind of a fish… and kind of not. They had a back fin like a fish, and scales like fish to an extent, but part of them was a lot more human than fish. Maybe part Kappa, given the webbed fingers. But they definitely had some sort of flowing, green dress on, with flowing blue hair cascading over their shoulder.

As the weird fish chewed eagerly on the big, fat worm on the end of the hook, Jiang stared for a minute before he took a step back, pointed, and shouted, “Holy shit, it’s a fish lady!”

The fish lady turned to him, removing the hook from her mouth slowly and tilting her head to the side. “Huh, fish lady?” she asked, her voice sweet and delicate. “That’s a new nickname, huh?”

Upon realizing that she actually talked and actually had feelings (unlike most fish), Jiang replied, “I mean, that’s what you are! You’re half fish, half lady!” He paused a moment, then asked back, “Wait a second, did you actually just eat that thing?”

“Uh huh!” the fish lady cheerfully replied, flopping her way closer to him. “It was pretty yummy, thank you!” Her cheer faded into confusion as Jiang continued to stare at her. “Oh, I’m guessing mermaids aren’t very common here?”

Jiang shook his head. “No? Not that I know of.” He paused for a moment, then added awkwardly, “So, uh, you’re welcome for the meal, I guess?”

“That was you who gave me that?” Her eyes lit up with joy as Jiang nodded again. “Thanks again! I was pretty hungry. Travelling around the river’s kinda tiring, and I didn’t really see anything good to eat. So when I saw that worm, it was like a blessing!”

“I didn’t really do that for you, though.” Jiang scratched his head, avoiding the mermaid’s gaze and trying to work through the awkwardness. “I was looking for a different fish. You just happened to be hungry enough to snag it.”

The mermaid’s hand flew to her mouth as she gasped. “Oh, I’m sorry! I didn’t really mean to interrupt your fishing thing, I promise! But I’m still thankful that you set that.” He managed to look right into her eyes just as she smiled, some of his tension ebbing away like the ocean waves. “In return, I can give you a hand with something! Almost anything! I don’t really have anything to do or anywhere to go, and this lake’s nice enough!”

A flood of emotions hit Jiang at once: shock that a fish lady would show him gratitude over a coincidence, gratefulness that she was offering him anything at all, confusion at the fact that something like her actually existed here of all places, and guilt when his first thought was about catching that rainbow fish. He couldn’t possibly shove that responsibility onto someone else, especially not someone he just met. It was a stupid task, but it was a stupid task that he accepted, even if the circumstances were a little unfair.

Quietly, he replied, “It’s okay. You don’t owe me anything, really.”

“You sure? I did kinda interrupt your fishing,” said the mermaid apologetically. “I want to at least make up for that.”

The temptation to ask was strong, but the guilt from thinking about that was stronger. “No, it’s… don’t worry about it.” Jiang rubbed his neck, then looked at his bucket of bait and asked the mermaid, “You still hungry? I have more stuff you can eat. You can have some fish too, if you want.”

“Really?!?” To be honest, he couldn’t help but smile a tiny bit as the mermaid beamed with joy. “I am still pretty hungry, so if you don’t mind…”

“Not like I’m gonna be eating worms for dinner, so why not?” Jiang grabbed the mermaid and slipped her back into the water before handing her a whole bucket of worms and a few smaller fish he caught. Gleefully, the mermaid tucked in, slurping most of her meal up at the same rate Jiang would devour a slab of steak. And that was pretty fast. So fast, it was a bit scary.

After a few moments of another awkward silence, Jiang turned away when the mermaid said, “You’re a nice person, you know that?”

He shrugged. “I dunno about that.”

“Well, I think you are.” She paused for a moment, and then asked, “Before you go, could you tell me your name?” Another pause. “You know, when we meet again! So I don’t call you stuff like ‘human’ and ‘musclehead’ and… uh, ‘dork’?”

“Musclehead” elicited a cringe from Jiang, but “Dork”? He snorted and replied, “Guess my name’s Dork from now on. Has a nice ring to it, sorta. But…” He turned back to the mermaid with a tiny smile, the wind rustling his hair as he said, “Jiang Zhung’s the name. And yours?”

The mermaid smiled back warmly, placing her hands together in front of her. “And mine’s Kailani! I hope we meet again. Until then, have a good day!”

As he headed back to town, Jiang turned back towards the lake and saw the smile fade, Kailani’s hand clasping at her chest. She seemed so… lonely, before she dove back under the lake’s clear waters.

That night, he promised himself that he would try to visit her often. It wasn’t so often that anyone, nevermind someone like him, would be able to talk to a mermaid. And it never hurt to make another friend, either.

Maybe he should thank Yijun for the opportunity to meet a mermaid-

…Nah, that was too wild, even for him.

Life of a Bandit

The caravan was approaching the bridge, passing through the plains in the full light of day. So much cargo was loaded onto the wagon two horses dragged from their home city, cargo he suspected was more than just supplies. Certainly more than a noble needed.

He made sure to hide under the cover of the forest, watching the caravan carefully as they stopped at the bridge, taking a few minutes to rest and feed their weary horses and get a quick drink from the river’s clear waters. He motioned for someone, and watched as a head flew up from the trees and quickly scanned through the cargo, staying out of sight of the retainers. In a few more minutes, the head of a black-haired, eye patched girl was at his side, the body carefully feeling its way around until it, too, was beside him.

“I didn’t smell any meat or spices on there,” the dullahan whispered in his ear as she firmly attached her head to her body. “It’s probably not a food caravan. Maybe textiles? Maybe they’ll have silk.” She sighed, holding up her tattered cloak and poking at her leather vest. “I do need to upgrade my wardrobe before I wear it out…”

He snorted as he replied, “And who’s gonna make it for ya, huh? You think someone wouldn’t get suspicious if you suddenly gave ‘em more silk than we’re worth?” The dullahan slumped just a little, looking away from him as she pouted. A twinge of guilt moved his heart, yet he said firmly, “I don’t want anything that might get us into deeper shit than we’re already in. Especially not selling or wearing anything you can’t even get in this area.”

“A girl can dream, can’t she?” she asked, still pouting a little bit as she ran her hands through her long, thick ponytail. “At any rate, I overheard those guys saying something about making a timely delivery to Lord Zheng, so whatever it is they’re taking, it must be pretty valuable.” She saw the glint in his eyes, the spark, and smiled as she asked, “Oh, you know him?”

She probably didn’t expect the dumbfounded look he gave her just now. “And you don’t, Ning?”

“Oh, was I supposed to? I mean, the only thing I know about Lords, Ladies, and any other fancy nobles is that they all don’t have meat on their bones and cover it up with puffy dresses and clothes.”

Honestly, he should have expected that. A groan escaped his lips as he replied, “Lord Zheng’s a big shot around these parts, and absolutely nobody likes him. Taxes the everloving shit out of everyone and uses most of it for all these fancy feasts he gives to neighboring nobles. Doesn’t even care that a few of the towns under his charge had their crops flooded out due to the rain and that food prices got driven up cause of it. No skin off his nose unless the tax money stops flowing.”

“Uh huh, I get it.” A sly smirk formed on Ning’s face as she saw the deliverymen regrouping around the caravan, drawing out a bow and arrow from under her cloak. “So what you’re saying, boss, is that you won’t feel bad when we rob ‘em, right?”

Boss smirked right back at her as he cracked his knuckles and drew his axe. “Damn straight! Now, how ‘bout we get started, eh?”

Before the caravan could move on, Ning shot an arrow at the horses’ feet, both rearing up in a panic. Boss charged in, whistling for someone else as he fended off one of the guards, smashing the blunt end of his axe into his head and knocking him out cold. They all cried out about bandits as he fought them off and Ning shot at their arms and legs to disable them. One of them got dangerously close to slashing at Boss, but he found his blade stuck between a chimera’s jaws. With one bite, the blade was crushed, the chimera swiping a massive paw and smashing the guard into the ground.

By the end of it, there were more panicked men cowering before the trio than men trying to fight back. Ning tied them up and blindfolded them along with the rest of the guard as Boss took the reins of the caravan. It wasn’t long before the bandits left with their ill-gotten gains, leaving those poor men behind alone near the bridge.

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“Woaaah ho hooo, that’s one helluva haul we brought in!”

The chimera looked a lot less like a chimera and more like a man who didn’t know the meaning of the word “shave”, his mane of dirty blonde hair trembling along with him as excitement overtook him. He clasped one paw and talon together as Boss and Ning cracked open the cargo in the little cave they called a base, revealing loads of gold and gemstones, as well as several clothes that Boss absolutely knew wouldn’t and shouldn’t be in the hands of peasants, nevermind bandits.

Ning pulled out a bottle of perfume from one of the boxes they stole and said, “Some of these things, I’ve never really seen. Like, what IS this?” It didn’t take too long before she smelled like she ran through a lavender field, her eyes twinkling as she sniffed at herself. “Whatever it is, it smells nice, and it’s mine now!” She turned towards the chimera and shouted, “Hey, Yin, you gotta smell this! Come on, sniff me!”

“No need, I can smell it from over here!” Yin replied as he sniffed the air, a sleepy smile forming on his face. “Oh, that smells heavenly! Bit strong for my poor, innocent nose, but ooh, it’d be the perfect thing for you, boss!” As Boss turned towards him, the chimera pinched his nose and waved him off. “It’d fend off those musty smells about you. Goodness, sometimes I wonder if you even bathe yourself, with how sweaty you smell!”

Boss rolled his eyes, emptying as much gold from the cargo as he possibly can and doing his best to divide it evenly amongst the three of them. “Yeah, yeah, working on it,” he replied. “Forget that for a moment, though: this is a helluva lot of gold for us to be carrying, and more shit that we don’t really need. Lord Zheng’s gonna shit his pants when he finds out we got his shit.”

Yin and Ning turned towards each other, their cheery demeanor vanishing in a puff of smoke as they turned towards Boss. “So, in other words,” Yin said, putting a paw to his forehead, “It’s no longer safe for us here, is that it?”

“Yeah.” Boss sighed as he stuffed his pockets with a part of his share of gold, then handed the others their share as he said, “We’re gonna need to hide some of this deeper in the cave and lay low for a bit. We can’t risk getting killed, not when we have other mouths to feed and people relying on us. Hell, we might need a new hideout altogether.”

“I could protect the goods here if you want,” Yin pointed out. “I mean, who would dare fight someone as fierce as myself? Besides, they won’t know it’s in here if I just, you know, eat them!”

Ning stuffed as much gold as she could in her shirt and her pockets before she said, “But then they’d just kill you because you’re… well, a monster. And weren’t you trying to get along with humans by not eating them, while trying to feed your big family and treat ‘em to nice things? Isn’t that why you’re even with us?”

“Trying is the key word, my dear. Besides, it wouldn’t be my own gold and stuff I’d be protecting. I mean, you two can only carry so much with you! If one of us stays behind and makes sure the rest of the gold is safe, you two can go out there and live your lives without gaining so much suspicion!”

Boss stared at Yin hard for a moment before he sighed, “If you and your family could do that for us, we’d appreciate it. We can’t risk carrying so much on us, especially since they’re gonna be on high alert. We have enough to last us a few months before we need to raid another caravan.”

Yin smiled gently at Boss as he said, “Anything for you, my dear boss! We’ll make sure those goods are safe and sound! Althouuugh, if you would be so kind as to bring that awfully tasty beef stew you make every once in a while, we’d greatly appreciate it!”

Ning frowned a little, putting her arms on her hips as she said, “Hmpf, and you’re not gonna ask me to bring some freshly hunted venison? After I helped you meet the boss?”

“Venison’s nice, dear, and I much appreciate it. But I love a home cooked meal even more!”

Ning pouted a little, Yin chuckling and patting her back as an apology. Boss looked at the two of them, unable to restrain the smile forming on his face. They were good people, people who wanted a better life. People who wanted to forsake their traditions and try something new. It was a shame that both of them had to turn to banditry to feed the many mouths in their families, unable to find jobs because of their monstrous heritage.

As they all went their separate ways, Boss prayed that maybe one day, they would find a better life than this.

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“Jiang, dinner’s ready!”

The bandit, startled, hurried to empty his pockets of gold and store it in his lockbox before rushing to the dinner table. The fragrant smell of fish stew wafted through the air, his stomach growling as loudly as an angry chimera as the scent hit his nose. The table was set, a big hearty bowl of stew waiting for him just as a woman ladled it in for him. Her eyes and hair were brown like his, but where he was as rugged as a woodcutter, she was as soft as a tree nymph.

Even her voice sounded more like a nymph, so soft and sweet as she said, “My, you sound halfway starved! I hope you haven’t forgotten to eat again. There should be enough for both of us tonight, especially considering your appetite!”

“Y-yeah, kinda forgot in the heat of work,” Jiang admitted, scratching at his head of shaggy brown hair.

“You really need to work on that. It won’t do to have you working on an empty stomach, not for carpentry and the like.”

Jiang tried his hardest not to look her in the eye as he replied, “Y-yes, Auntie. Stuff’s hard on your body and all.” As he ate his food, he watched his aunt eat in silence, her hand trembling slightly as she brought the spoon to her mouth. It was the same tremble he saw all the time when he was at home: her legs would wobble a bit when she stood up to cook, when she cleaned the house, when she walked throughout town to speak to the neighbors… It was harder to notice when her hands did, especially when she sat down to knit and sew and all sorts of hands-on things. Dinnertime was the only time he could see it clearly, as she ate slowly and carefully, or at least tried her best.

After a long period of silence, his aunt stopped eating, folding her arms and smiling gently at Jiang as she asked, “So, how is work going?”

“It went well,” Jiang answered, trying his hardest to mask his anxiety. “We’ve got a lot of work done, and we got a decent amount of gold. It’s enough to help us eat a little better. I like stew as much as the next guy, but we gotta eat something different every once in a while, right?”

“Of course, of course! That’s good to hear! Maybe we could make some jiaozi for you to take to work… Or maybe some stir fried noodles?”

Jiang was on his second bowl of stew when his aunt stood up to yawn. “My, am I tired! Some more sleep should do me good.” She smiled at him again as she said, “Try not to stay up too late, Jiang. Sleep well, alright?”

He saw it. He saw the slow, pained walk she always did when she went to bed. How exhausted she looked, in spite of her smile. In public, she would always mask it, always try to hide it by gossiping along with the other women her age, by staying out as long as her legs would let her.

But it was here at home that Jiang could clearly see her illness sapping what little energy she had, how it caused her no end of pain. It was something he overheard the local shaman say must have been a curse for a horrible deed she did in her last life, something that might never go away, even if she repents.

Once he finished his third bowl of stew, Jiang returned to his room and opened up his lockbox, staring at the gold he accumulated for so very, very long. So much, maybe too much, for an aunt and her nephew living in a simple house living a relatively simple life. But even this wasn’t enough for the treatment his aunt deserved. It wasn’t even enough for the first treatment, nevermind the subsequent ones and all the taxes he had to pay and all the food he had to get.

Banditry hurt people. It hurt the innocent as much as the wicked. That much, Jiang knew from the beginning. If his aunt ever heard what he was doing, he was certain she would abandon him as quickly as his actual family, with a much better reason. This isn’t the kind of person she raised him to be. Hell, he didn’t want to be a bandit.

But… Good, honest work couldn’t provide enough for both food and her treatments. It wasn’t nearly enough, as he found out the hard way.

Soon enough, just looking at the gold just made him sick to his stomach, so he locked it away and quickly went to bed, staring at the ceiling and praying, praying to whoever actually listened, that maybe… just maybe, they could have a better life than this, too.

Early Arrivals

Paradise.

Paradise was a place where you could sink your feet into warm, white sands and soak up the sun’s rays like a sponge. Paradise was a place where there were crystal clear waters to step into and sigh in relief as it washes away sweat and stress.

And, as always when Brandon went to beautiful places like these, there were tourist traps. It came in many forms: gift shops hawking fake as hell leis and colored rocks said to heal disease, people pretending to act like shamans and screaming about the spirit of greed consuming all of mankind, and the most sinful one of all: restaurants. Restaurants like Paradise at Ponderosa’s, where the food was on par with Meh Burger while the prices were comparable to a four star restaurant.

Brandon’s skin crawled as he looked at Paradise at Ponderosa’s. He made that mistake yesterday. He would not make the same mistake today.

Instead of hanging around the Times Square of Kuwahawi, Brandon opted to walk around the outskirts of the city. The Kobber Kabana wasn’t open quite yet, anyway.

“May 1^st is the lucky day, you silly!” he recalled a girl saying as she held a wispy gray cat in her arms. “And you can’t get in at 11:59, either! 12 AM on the dot, or I’mma tell Ishnabel and you’re gonna be in TROUUUUBLEEEE!”

As he walked farther and farther away from the more tourist-y part of the city, he encountered a few sidewalk stands. Some were filled with legitimate leis, women weaving flowers together slowly, but surely. Some had art, depicting nature in all its glory with detail Brandon could only dream of achieving. Pottery, magical objects, animal skulls… all of it was here in this part of the city.

He was ogling at a painting of what he could assume were water spirits when the smell of fried chicken filled the air. Brandon made a mental note to come back to this vendor ASAP to snag that painting before following the scent to a cart. The cart had a combination of things he saw from the individual stands, in addition to a rainbow of fruits and vegetables, fresh herbs, and homemade bread. None, however, excited him more than what was happening behind the cart: a man in a bamboo hat stir-frying something in a wok over an open fire, sitting in a chair that was comically small compared to his bulk. In his other hand, he held a wooden staff, the top carved into the shape of a goat’s head.

Brandon stared with a hungry look on his face for a good minute before the man turned to him and grinned as he said, “Another hungry customer, eh?”

“WH-what? Me?!” Brandon sputtered out, taken off guard. “Um, maybe, sort of, kinda? N-not really?”

The man grinned a little more when he heard the grumble of an empty stomach. “I think someone is telling you otherwise, my friend.”

Brandon blushed redder than a tomato as he looked down at the floor and said, “Y-yes. Yes, I am.”

“Well then, you’re in luck! $5 gets you a plate full of stir-fried cockatrice and rice-“

The vendor didn’t even have to finish his sentence before Brandon pulled out a $5 bill and slammed it on the side of the cart. Within a few minutes, he was chowing down with a gusto to match Sarah’s. The vendor chuckled as he stood up with the help of his staff. Brandon would have been slightly scared at the fact that the man was a good foot taller than he was, were he not shoveling down this stir-fry like today was the last day of his life.

“Glad to see you’re enjoying yourself!” he said heartily as he took a seat on a taller stool closer to the cart, setting his staff aside and taking a fan off the cart. “It isn’t too often that we see anyone aside from the locals wander over here!”

Brandon cringed a little as the stench of sweat filled the air, but he refrained from saying anything. “That’s a shame,” he said, shaking his head a tiny bit before taking another bite of cockatrice. “There’s a whole lot of wonderful things here! But I guess the tourist trappers sunk their fangs deep in here, huh?”

The man held his head in his hand, grumpy as one could be as he grumbled, “Of course they did. They heard the siren song of money and gullible tourists on an unknown island and seized that soon as they could find out where we were on the map. They made damn sure to make themselves more visible than everyone else, and louder too, with those pathetic ‘shamans’ on the streets.” He sighed, swinging his right leg to and fro as he continued, “Worst part of it is that none of the money is actually going to the local tribes, so we’re competing against people who aren’t even here to spread awareness about us. Only one person’s trying to give us a hand. One. Not even a whole company, one person.”

Brandon nearly choked on some rice when the man mentioned it, his eyes flying wide open with shock. “That… that’s crazy! One person’s doing the job of an entire company? Isn’t that a little… extreme?”

“Mmmm… maybe I exaggerated juuust a little,” the man said, scratching at his head of long, black hair underneath his hat. “There’s an organization that’s coming to give us a hand, but from what I heard from their representative, they’ve been having issues with their members. So for right now, she’s a one-woman tourism machine.” He frowned a little and sighed again, pulling out a bottle of water and taking a sip. “Gotta admire her determination, but she’s getting run ragged. I just hope they send some backup before too long.”

After a moment of awkward silence, the man grinned again and said, “But enough of that! What brings you to the island?”

There’s not a hint of hesitation as Brandon replied, “Some much needed R&R,” with a dead-eyed look. Not long after the man raises an eyebrow, Brandon added hastily, “Th-that, and Kobbers. I’m kinda, sorta with them. Sorta.”

“Ah, another one waiting for them to show up?” the man smiled and sat up as he fanned himself. “That makes five of us! My apprentice and I are excited- or at least, I am! It isn’t every day you get to meet heroes like those, unless some sort of calamity’s about to befall you. Our little tourism lady can’t stop talking about how much good they’ll do overall and wants to be the first one through the door when the cabana opens.”

Brandon wondered, for a split second, if it would be a wise idea to compete for “first in the cabana” with this woman, but judging from what the man said about her so far, he feared she’d wrestle him for the spot.

“And finally, there’s an odd demon who’s been standing on a cliff near the beach for days now. Spoke to him once, and he said something about not missing the Kobbers’s arrival. Last I saw him, he was still standing, taking a nice long snooze.” The man shrugged for a moment before he continued, “Either way, we’re gonna see a lot of each other soon, if we’re in it for the same reason! I’d say I can’t wait, but I’m probably going to be snoozing in my own tent by the time they get here. Not like many of them will be here so early in the morning, anyway.” He paused for a moment, placing a finger on his chin before he grinned and added, “Since we’re gonna be seeing each other a lot, let’s get introductions out of the way! The name’s Wicasa, one of the shamans on this island. And you are?”

“My name’s Brandon! It’s nice to meet you, Wicasa!” Brandon said cheerfully before his phone started to beep. A tad bit embarrassed, he checked it and paled. “Oh, god, I nearly forgot about a commission I was doing! I really, really, REALLY need to get going-”

“Cbnedc ypuja, you forgot about something like that?” Wicasa said with a shocked look on his face. “Go like the wind, and get to it! There’ll be plenty of time for us to chat later! Until then, take care of yourself!”

Brandon wished there was more time to take care of himself as he rushed back to the hotel, finishing off the last bits of his stir-fry before expertly tossing the plate in the trash.

On the bright side, at least he didn’t have to deal with the likes of Julia, Justin, and Josh.

…At least, not yet.

A... Magical Moment?!?

Marie Poppo did not forsee this.

She was always a plan ahead sort of… half-goat, half-munchkin girl. Always making the calls, always making the emails and the screenings way before the deadlines, making sure every t is crossed and every i is dotted. When all your colleagues have the brains of an 8 year old that snorted a bucket full of pixie stix, she simply had to be organized and do everything she could to keep the operations running smoothly.

She was sure her colleagues had already contacted all the candidates for Magical Girl Mayhem, especially the main characters.

So why is this girl here in their HQ, standing in front of her with a cheerful smile on her face, a pile of smaller, conked out Marie Poppos behind her?

“Excuse me, are you the head honcho here?” she asked Marie.

That sentence alone sent shivers down Marie Poppo’s spine. “Yeah, that’s me,” she replied, hiding her fear behind a straight face. “Why do you ask?”

“Why do I ask?” The cheerfullness was replaced with an anger so furious, Marie Poppo wondered if someone opened the gate to hell. “Why do I ask?!?” she repeated with a growl. “Because one of MY friends was invited to play a magical girl, and not ME! ME!!!”

Marie Poppo wondered if her colleague incited the wrath of Parsee’s cousin, but first, she needed to defuse the situation. The girl was certainly not the delicate, holy sister that her clothing implied, and she did not want to join the pity pile of Poppos anytime soon. “Well, honestly, that’s something you have to take up with the Boss, but I’m willing to do you a favor and pull a few strings if you show me WHY you’d make a good candidate for our show.”

Marie was actually rather relieved when the girl clasped her hands and smiled cheerfully again as she replied, “Of course! I have so many good reasons I’d make a great magical girl! I mean, I already have the looks” – she posed and winked at an invisible camera – “I have the experience – I’ve hunted quite a few demons in my lifetime, you know! – I’ve got talent and the will, and most importantly, I’ve been told that I’d fit right in with these Klobberer guys, who happen to be one of your target audiences! I’m the whole package and then some!”

Why am I not surprised? Marie Poppo thought as she smiled and laughed nervously. I don’t think a Kobber would barge right into a workplace asking for an interview, though. Still… Maybe she’ll fit into the main squad?

“That certainly sounds good, but let me ask you… How’d you even find out about this and where we even were?”

A wicked grin unfitting for a Sister spread across the girl’s face. “Oh, you didn’t know? You sent that recruitment letter to the future Queen of Paprica, Princess Éclair! She’s too busy to play magical girl, so she went ahead and found out where you guys were and sent me over! I need the money more she does, anyway!”

“Well, that’s… Wow. I’m gonna need to tell the boss about that…” Marie sighed. It would have been nice to have a Magical Princess, but a priestess wouldn’t be too bad. Besides, she had the distinct feeling that if she didn’t agree to it, this girl would barge her way into every episode anyway. She extended a hand out to her as she said, “Welcome aboard! We already have a shitload of girls and boys, anyway, so what’s one more to the pile? I’m the Director, Marie Poppo. And you are…?”

The girl took out a baton as she smiled and spun it around dramatically before pointing it at Marie.

“I’m Prier, the next in line to become Maiden of Light! This gig might as well be practice to me!”

Marie chuckled for a bit, but on the inside, she wondered if this was really okay…

…Nah, the boss wouldn’t mind that much. Except maybe the salary she was asking for… Oh well, that’s between the Boss and the Big Banks. For now, Marie Poppo got to work on getting Prier a ticket to Kuwahawi, an outfit for the show, and calling a white mage for all those Poppos who suffered through Prier's rampage through HQ.

A Magical Moment

"Auuuuugh"

Diadem heard Duer groan from across the room as she made several edits to her blog to make it look a little nicer than it was two seconds ago. She turned around and saw him slump into the ugly green couch, staring at the ceiling with his glowing red eyes with a bored look on his craggy face.

"Auuuuugh," he said again, his entire body sinking further into the cough. "Dia, is there ANYTHING to do right now?"

"If there was, I think I would have told you by now, Duer," Dia replied with a frown before turning back to her work. "This offseason's kind of slow for some reason."

"Probably because people heard 'Kobbers' and decided to avoid this dimension altogether," Duer grumbled, turning to his side and staring at the TV cabinet instead. "Guess we have moving to that island to look forward to, but I don't think we'll be having many interdimensional incidents this time around."

"You never know: they can happen at any moment!"

"Until then, though..." Duer sighed as he scratched his head. "We're stuck doing nothing, and with nothing planned for the future. Except for maybe handling Oboro's shit."

For the next few minutes, the shack was silent as Dia cleaned up more of her blog and posted pictures of herself being cute. She had to admit, it would be nice to have something to do while she was on Kuwahawi aside from her job as both a Planeswarden and a Publicity Agent. Something fun to do on the side, something to look forward to! But  that sort of thing doesn't come easily...

Beep, beep!

Duer was startled out of his stupor as Dia's phone vibrated, the couch creaking as he sat right up. Dia glanced over at it and unlocked her phone to see what was going on. Nobody sent her a text or called  her, but the number of emails definitely went up by one. And after she went through all the trouble of cleaning it out!

She opened it up in her laptop, her eyes widening as she read the contents, Duer peering over her shoulder.

"Congratulations, Diadem!

You are one of the many people chosen for the production of 'Magical Girl Mayhem', handpicked  by the producers behind 'Beautiful Bearoness Brianna' and 'Fight On! Punch-Out Princess'! This show focuses on those wishing to become magical girls, doing whatever it takes to become the best of the best!  There'll be love, friendship, and plenty of combat for those who are itching for a battle!

If you are interested in being one of the first official Magical Girls for this production, send a reply back with a cover letter detailing your interest!"

Dia and Duer exchanged glances for a moment before turning back to the email. Duer looked back at Dia with a concerned look as excitement spread on her face.

"Dia, this is probably the most obvious scam I've seen in centuries," he said bluntly. "You're not really considering this, are you?"

The milletian smiled apologetically at him as she replied, "Well, you're probably right... but it is tempting! I mean, we can at least look into the validity of the claims, right?"

"By throwing yourself into a trap?"

"...Yes?"

Duer opened his mouth to say something when Dia's phone went off. She hastily picked it up and answered with, "Hi, Diadem speaking!"

"Oh, uh, hi!" said a nasally voice on the other side. "It's me, Brandon! I think... I think Sammy discussed something with you about me?"

Dia's eyes lit up with excitement. "Of course she did! You're the other publicist, right? It's so nice to actually talk to you! Did you need anything?"

"Not really, I'm just kind of curious about something." Dia could hear some tapping and the vauge sound of reggaeton playing in the background. "Did you happen to get an email about this show called 'Magical Girl Mahem?' "

Duer mouthed 'Spoopy' to Dia, the elf stiffling a chuckle as she asnwered, "Yes! How'd you know?"


"Um, Sammy got something similar... and my first thought was, 'Dia probably got this, too!'" Brandon chuckled a little bit before he continued, "And coincidently, I got one, too. I think someone thought B.C. was the initials for a girl's name... or confused me for my own character, somehow. Sammy thought it was spam and deleted it. I was gonna do the same, but one of my friends kiiiind of wanted to see where it went. And honestly, I'm kind of curious, too! So I was wondering... do you think we could investigate it together?"

Dia thought about it for all of two seconds before she replied cheerfully, "Of course! With all three of us on the case, we'll find the truth of the matter! And maybe get a tiny bit famous! I wonder if Kogasa got an email?"

"Not sure; the email mentioned something about becoming a magical girl. Kevvy is kind of already a Magical Girl... on TV, I mean. So there's no reason for them to send it to him..."

"Hmmm. I'll have to check! Anyway, I'm gonna reply to the email and see if I can find anything else on this! If you find out anything, just give me a call, okay?"

"O-of course, of course! Ah, um, thank you for your time! Have a good day!"

Click. Diadem squealed on the inside as she replied to the email, although her spirits were kind of dampened by Duer giving her a look of disbelief.

"We're really doing this, then?" he asked. "We're really going to go down the rabbit hole?"

"As long as we don't have anything to do," Dia said with a nervous smile, "I don't see why not! I mean, aren't you even a little curious?"

Duer sighed and flung himself back onto the couch, the pillows sinking as far as they can go under his weight. "Just a little. If it involves a good fight, I'd throw myself in, but not until we find out whether or not this is true."

"I'm on it, Duer, don't you worry! I'll confirm everything before you know it!" Dia replied with a wink.

For the next few days, Dia did all she could to see if it was a scam, while Duer found himself some magical girl animes to binge on when Dia had a moment to spare.

----------------------------------------

"Did they all get the email?"

"Of course, poppo! They all recieved them! We personalized a few of them, and we're already rolling in responses!"

"Wow, I can hardly believe that worked, considering you guys wrote it! Well, that's sure to please the master. Now, did we get all the equipment?"

"I got the cameras!"

"I got the green screens!"

"I stole Kai's wallet, poppo."

"Give it back before he beats Master silly."

"But it had 20 dollars!"

"20 dollars isn't going to touch even a fraction of the budget we need to make this work! Sheesh. And this is what I have to work with?

Anyway, keep 'em posted. Let's keep with the preparations on Kuwahawi; there's going to be a bigger audience there, with those Kobbers around. Who knows? Maybe one of them will join this madness."

"Roger, poppo!"


"Man... I can't believe she got me involved in this. First board games, now this. This will probably end up flopping harder than a fish on the island... and what is she planning, recruiting some weirdoes from New York into this? 'Every magical girl anime needs major antagoinists!' Yeah, but was that really necessary?"

"Sigh.... I don't think I have a big enough paycheck for this shit... poppo."

------------------------------------

COMING THIS SPRING:

 DIABRANDOPLOT: MAGICAL GIRL MAYHEM!

PLEASE WAIT WARMLY UNTIL IT IS READY!

Aqua Princess Rita: Issue 2

It’s another beautiful day in the wondrous Tara City! The skies were blue, the sun was shining, there was a stampede of angry bears…

Even the resident monarch isn’t quite sure how so many bears breached the castle city’s perimeters, but here they were! They were raiding grocery stores, garbage cans, and famous clothing stores alike, snagging all the merchandise they can get their paws on. Several heroes have appeared to handle the fuzzy menace, like Stretchyarms McGee and Mr. Sparklehands! Even with their combined powers, though, it surely isn’t enough to stop 100+ bears from shoplifting $500 dollars’ worth of merchandise! Who would surely save Tara City from this fiasco?

Rita Shepard would have done so, if she didn’t take the 8-5 shift at the local coffee shop. She was hoping to get enough shots of espresso to see Nirvana before she got off, her eye twitching as a resident fashionista took advantage of a free drink to order the longest, most complicated coffee drink in existence while there was a line starting to stretch outside the store.  On the outside, she smiled and nodded as she got her barista on, but on the inside, she pretended to be a witch that hexed this woman into working the horrors of retail.

At least the bears wearing designer dresses were nice enough to leave a 5 dollar tip as they ordered tea with honeycombs (“We actually have those? Huh.”). Rita didn’t bat an eye at them as they sat down and chatted with grunts and snorts. Not that there was any time to, with all the people coming in!

After what felt like eons, 5 o clock came, and her one and only savior walked right in: a short girl who reminded Rita of a forest fairy, with her long brown hair and freckled face. Rita’s hand flew to her heart for a moment as her coworker turned to her and gave her a wink. The urge to give her a hug was strong, but Rita decided it was better to just clock out and go.

Unfortunately, the bear situation was not under control in the least.  Rita briefly wondered what the hell Kamen Rider was doing in a situation like this.

“Guess this isn’t one of those giant monster fights he loves so much,” she grumbled as she touched the necklace the old lady gave her a week ago. It glowed a brilliant blue before power surged through her body. Nothing else changed aside from gaining a blue aura around her, which was a bit disappointing. She had hoped to get an elaborate magical girl transformation by now, at least!

She didn’t really need that to get a head start on the heroics business though, right? Then maybe Kamen Rider would actually give her the respect she deserved!

Nothing to it, then. Rita held up her hands and scared away bears with jets of water, trapped rowdier bears in big ol bubbles, and interrogated kinder bears as to why they suddenly decided to rise up and raid. Granted, she wasn’t getting much information out of their grunts, but anything helps, right?

After shooing away bear cubs trying to steal candy from a three year old, Rita finally finds the source of the trouble: a massive man in regal clothing… covered in bear fur. Even his top hat was made from bear fur and had a tiny bear emblem on the side, and he held a cane with that same emblem engraved at the top. With each wave of his cane, the bears struck, snagging all they could get from nearby stores.

Tired of seeing the rampant theft, Rita confronted him and shouted, “Halt, you… you butt! Stop this now, or you’re gonna regret it!”

She could have done that a lot better, given the snooty look that man was giving her. “Oh, here to stop me, the great BEARON? Please. You could BEARLY handle my power!”

He was right. She couldn’t handle it. The puns were too horrible. So as he sent waves of bears at her, she was quickly overrun. Her water powers may have been able to handle individual bears just fine, but a group of them all at once? Nooot at her skill level.

The Bearon laughed at her suffering, reveling all too much in it. “How is that, honey? Do you find this situation to be absolutely… unbearable? Maybe a little barbearic?!  Regardless, it is impossible to fight me, when I have a bearier in the way! Ohohohohoho!”

Annoyed at the constant mauling and the horrible puns, Rita finally gathered enough power to shower the bears in bubble blasts. They fell back, giving Rita enough time to run past them and towards the Bearon. With the wish to protect the city from bear attacks and terrible bear puns, Rita summoned a watery whip and lashed it out at the Bearon.

SMACK!

The Bearon fell to the ground, his top hat falling off his head. He was definitely still breathing, but he was out like a light. No wonder he needed bears to protect him! The bears snapped out of their fury, suddenly confused as to why they were wearing suits and eating hamburgers.

After cleaning up some of the streets and returning the stolen goods to their respective stores, Rita went home to feed her beloved master, Mr. Kitty. The two of them watched the news report on the bear attacks, Rita swooning as she saw Mr. Sparklehands pose for everyone. There were a few comments on her, but none of them really stood out. Just the typical “there’s a NEW hero in town!” thing. They didn’t even mention her by name!

Oh, wait. She still didn’t come up with a name. Or have an outfit. Oh god oh god oh god how was she going to get noticed if she didn't  even have THAT?

Maybe she should ask the oracle for help...

---------------------------------

(Following up on this comic is a picture of Rita in a bear-inspired princess outfit, with the words underneath: Beautiful Bearoness Rita, Protector of Bear City.

Another comic follows, with a picture of a super detailed bear wearing a dress, blue-framed glasses and a sunhat, holding a tablet in her paws.

"actual picture of me while making this issue, please enjoy"

-Bear Commissioner )

A Head Start, Part 1

Another day, another time for clouds to sew themselves up and hide the sun’s warm rays.  Rain poured down from the heavens as if one had angered a weather goddess. People rushed on their way to work with umbrellas in one hand and phones in the other, cars racing by and splashing some with streams of water.

Brandon drummed his pen on his desk idly as he totaled up his budget for the month. His desk wasn’t as messy as it was last time, papers neatly organized in separate piles as his laptop sat in the middle. Pookums laid her fluffy head on his lap as he totaled up his spending and compared it to his income.

When it was all calculated using the magic of math, his eyes widened. The number was not anywhere near the negatives. In fact, it was a nice, fat positive.

Pookums yelped and backed off as Brandon stood up and shouted, “WOO, I DID IT!” Although, his cheers quickly turned into a torrent of “Sorry, sorry, I’m so sorry Pookums, sorryyyy” when Pookums whined at him. He sat back down and gave her plenty of ear scritches as he planned out next month’s budget.

Needless to say, budgeting for the Kuwahawi trip was at the top of his ‘To-Do’ list.

His phone beeped a few times as he worked, catching Pookum’s attention every time. Most of them was Emily talking to him about plans, sharing her frustration over a twenty page paper (“it’s fucking bullshit”), and several pictures of Hannah being cute. Some were just Jacob gushing about his latest crush on a 1958 Plymouth Fury (“isn’t she beautiful?!?”), while others were just David inviting him to DnD.

Of course, Julie had sent him texts, too! “Plz do the needful!” she said. “We still need the cryptid club logo!” she said.

Brandon stopped working on budget issues just to draw some rather elaborate, beautiful flowers growing around the word, “NO” before initialing it and sending the picture over to her.

Aside from her pleading, this day was turning out great-

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Brandon checked his phone again, curious to see what it was this time. Jacob sent him and Emily something… a video?

He tapped on it to watch, and immediately he heard screaming and wailing. There was smoke rising from some of the cars, scorch marks visible on the side of a local auto repair shop. People hid behind cars and buildings, but a beam shot out and phased partway through them, melting whatever material it touched.

After a few seconds of the camera panning everywhere, Brandon heard Jacob say, “Shit’s bad here, really bad! Some fuck decided to pick a fight outside and got this shithead” – the camera panned over to a man in a black hoodie, the tattoos on his hands visible as he fired off lasers with wild abandon – “all riled up. I don’t know what the fuck it was about, but people are getting hurt out here! Already called the crew; they’re working on getting people outta here. Police is on their way, too, but- Shit!” Brandon’s heart seized saw a laser fly out, Jacob raising a hand to block it but getting a nasty burn for his trouble. “Fuck! I’ll… I’ll hold him off, you guys just get over here and do your Kobber thing! We’re counting on you, bros!”

As the video stopped, Brandon stood up and kneeled by Pookums, patting her fluffy head for a bit before standing up and hurrying to get dressed in something other than a crop top and pajamas. It took him about five minutes to get out the door and on his way to the auto shop.

God, his heart was pounding. It was too soon for this Kobber thing to start! He only spoke to a Kobber a grand total of once! His friend’s hurt and other people are getting hurt and oh god why?

Still, though… there was just a hint of excitement in his heart, though.

If this was going to be his life from May to October… then it was better to get some practice here while he still could… right?