Gears A-Turnin'

     What was a mining company without many miners?

    Not much, as Mr. Carver glanced at his bank accounts on his laptop, as well as stock exchanges. Normal humans simply could not mine at the rate a dwarf can, nevermind a whole organization of them. There were a few rare finds in other caves, such as Ossium crystals and some amber-looking things the dwarves called Resinite, but unfortunately, normal humans could not handle a swarm of scarabs the size of house cats (or Scrabs, as the Dwarves called them), nor the zippy flying Macteras, nor the glyphids that were harassing them away from the more dangerous parts of the caves by nipping at their ankles. 

    He winced as his bank account’s hoard dropped lower, as insanely high insurance premiums took a massive bite out of his stash. If only he didn’t have to offer health insurance.

    So what were his options, then? He had thought about it long and hard these past four and a half months. He could go public, get a couple shareholders in here. But then he wouldn’t own the company, now would he? Not only that, there were rumors of some corporate religious nutcases coming in and buying out failing businesses, and he was not about to get wrapped in that sort of nonsense. Especially since their leader looked like a pharaoh in a pre-made coffin in his shape with stock prices scrolling on them. Who would actually take a guy like that seriously? Besides religious nutcases and kissasses?

    Deep Rock Galactic had a rival company, aptly named Rival Corps. They didn’t blacklist the Carver Mining Company like DRG did. Maybe he could grab some of their tech? He did invest in some of their tech, but for the most part, it looked more like it was for protecting assets and stealing data rather than any actual heavy-duty mining equipment. And they had a stupid looking upside-down pyramid that could secure so much stuff! Perfect for that Corporate Pharaoh, and definitely not for Mr. Carver.

    Okay, he definitely bought the Pyramid. Stored all the bits and pieces of inert Zenoxite and even a few slivers of active Zenoxite in there. Kobbers would come sniffing for them, they always do. Better to have the precious things safe. Very, very precious.

    What other options did Mr. Carver have? Not the Kobbers, Brandon made that perfectly clear. Not Concord, they’re defunct. Not Fafnir Inc, he wasn’t gonna be beholden to some gremlin of a man and his babysitter. So what else?

    The answer came in the form of a phone call. He nearly fell out of his plush leather seat at the sound and scrambled to pick it up and put on his best grin.

 “Hello, Carver Mining Company?”

“ ‘Eeeey, Andy!” a woman’s voice blared through the other end with a blatantly fake British accent.

Andrew Carver’s lip twitched along with his left eye. “Oh, why HELLO, Sandra! SO good to hear from you! How long has it been? Two years?”

    He heard a loud huff, followed by, “Oy, oy, OY!!! It’s Sandia Clockhouse III to you, you blimey git! And it’s been FIVE years!”

    Andrew rolled his eyes. Of course it was. Why wouldn’t it be? Always had to be something fancy to go along with her stupid accent and her stupid outfit and her stupid obsession with anything gear-shaped. His own gears started turning in his head, though. Maybe he can work with this. “Of COOOOURSE! It’s been SO long, Sandia! So, tell me, what have you been up to lately? Making those clockwork dinosaurs of yours? Steam-powered vacuum cleaner? Maybe even a Steampunk Worm-On-A-String?”

    “Oh, I’ve been makin’ and makin’ and makin’ all day and night, Andy!” The sheer glee on the other side was enough to unnerve Andy for just a moment. “I have a workin’ model of a Steampunk Compsognathus. Works on steam like a dream! Nobody’s on the market fer one of those yet: Biosyn’s more lookin’ for the rare stuff. Though really, who wants a plain fuddy-duddy dinosaur when you can get yourself a self-sustaining one from yours truly? It can dance, it can sing, it can even breathe steam out hot enough to smooth out the wrinkles in your face!

Steam-powered vacuum cleaner? I’ll do ya one better: vacuum cleaner AND steamer! Wet and dry! Good on a whole matter of flooring! Got detachable doo-dads and whats-its to even work for your clothes and couches!” Sandia paused to catch her breath and continued, “Almost got one working, I’ll send you one! And as for that Worm-on-a-String-”

    Andrew clutched at his phone, his grin wavering. This idiot possibly couldn’t have made a Worm-on-a-String with gears. No, she’s not THAT stupid. 

    “Got no such thing under my belt!” He sighed. Thank god. “But I did nick some stuff from your sister’s company as it was dissolvin’ and made me a steampunk worm the size of that one worm them Kobbers fought! The big ‘un from another planet!” 

His jaw nearly hit the floor at the thought of not only stealing from ANDREA, but also copying some Kobber enemy like nothing. It had to be a lie, right? It had to be. But what if it wasn’t? Andrew slow-blinked and put his grin back on as he asked, “Oh, yeah? And what does it do?”

“Lots! Like minin’ dirt so fast, it can make a dwarf look like a kid with a garden trowel. It’s got bits and bobs and sentries on each segment that can detach and shoot out balls of steam and the occasional laser, it can detach at segments to be more compact and cover more ground, it’s entirely steam powered- obviously- and best of all, its flexible and long enough to constrict and turn a whole T-Rex into paste if it needs to!”

Andrew’s eyes lit up like a Christmas Tree at the mere thought of something like that digging deep and getting that Resinite, which could have all sorts of weird dead things in there. Even dead things BioSyn might BUY! Not to mention the Ossium- might not have been enough for a bird with a microwave, but certainly other companies might want to make better use of it. As much as he… disliked… Sandra - Sandria- Sandia - Dia- Whatsherface, he just needed to reel her in. Just needed to shove his ego all the way to the back and… work with her.

“Well, ain’t that just IMPRESSIVE!” he said. “Absolutely MARVELOUS work, Ms. Clockhouse III! In fact, it’s so incredible, I’m willing to hire you and your worm right here and now! When’s the best time you can swing by Argo and give a demonstration of your new invention?”

Sandia didn’t speak for a minute. Andrew broke into a sweat: was she onto him? Did it sound too good to be true? Did she remember that he totally didn’t invite her to his 16th birthday party at an adventure park not because of space issues, but because she would not shut the hell up about steampunk anything?!?

“You really gonna give me a job, just like that?”

Oh, god damn it. Andrew grit his teeth to maintain his grin, even if it hurt his lips. “Of COURSE! I mine, you have a worm that can mine, you BUILT the worm, so we have much to gain together!”

“Mmmm. Where ya minin’?”

Just one more push, one last temptation. He relaxed his grin, feeling more in his element as he knew just the thing to hook her in.

“Oh, nowhere special… just around Argo, that sort of thing.”

There was a gasp on the other side, then what sounded like tinkering. The phone line went dead, much to Andrew’s confusion. His confusion only grew when there was a BRRRRR-KER-CHUNK noise, followed by a portal gushing steam out, and finally someone plopping out, coughing their lungs out and holding onto some gear-shaped watch and some worm. Andrew’s confusion faded, and he had to force his smile again as the steam cleared.

 

 

“Why wait ‘til the morrow when the great Sandia Clockwork III can be here today? Now, Andy, get ready to see some true gear-turnin’, steampunkin’ action!” 

Another Day in the Crimson Pearl Company

 Billowing winds. Cold rain pitter-pattering on her skin. Booming thunder. Most of these she could hear, but she could see a bright flash of what she thought was lightning through her blindfold. Sharp iron prodded her back, forcing her to trod through mud and rocks lest she needed a harder reminder. March, march, march they did, until she could clearly hear the raging waves crashing against rock.

“Ah, a fine sacrifice for the Lord of the Seas,” a raspy voice said with a sinister chuckle. The woman barely flinched as she felt a bony finger trailing up from her neck to her chin. “No doubt a poor tourist, too early to see her beloved heroes.”

She rolled her eyes behind the blindfold. Of course they picked tourists. Lone tourists, wandering through the city on their own, unaware of the best spots to be, more than willing to listen to a kind stranger leading them through a so-called ‘hole in the wall’ restaurant before they were knocked out. It made it difficult to locate them, and by the time anyone had questions about their disappearance, they were lunch for whatever sea royalty they were feeding them to. It took so many months with no leads, no other common link other than all of them being tourists, for her to get annoyed with the case and simply take the bait. How could they resist dragging along a ditzy, clueless woman to meet their Lord personally?

Several voices began to speak, though it was difficult for her to hear. All she could clearly hear was the raspy voice asking, “Is everything prepared?”

“Yes, Reverend. The other sacrifices will be here shortly.”

The woman’s lip curled into a smirk. As she wriggled her wrists to make sure that the scratchy rope binding was still there, she couldn’t help but wonder when the signal would come. Oh, the sparks would fly then, or so she hoped.

A chorus of cries rang out. Screams. Panic. Chaos.

“The sacrifices, they’re escaping!” a voice shouted before the telltale gurgle of someone who just got stabbed in the throat. Thump. Another thump. She could smell the blood as she knew without looking that the battlefield was covered in corpses.

The raspy voice spoke again as he snapped, “Find the one behind this! Kill them, and bring the sacrifices back!”

The woman’s face wobbled, true darkness taking over her vision. Her body pulsed, something moving down from her neck down to her hands,and only stopped when her vision revealed the chaos happening behind her through new eyes.They moved again briefly to her neck, looking all around to make sure everybody was distracted with the sudden attack. No one was watching. Her smirk split into a grin, revealing rows of sharp teeth that was unbefitting such a delicate-looking figure.

Showtime.

Her body melted into a puddle of blood, blindfold and rope falling onto the ground as the puddle shifted and reformed. 

“What?!? What’s happening to her?!?”

Ah, fear. Music to her ears. Or rather, his ears, as the blood shaped itself into the form of a broad, dark skinned man, golden eyes gleaming with murderous excitement.

“Me?” The man laughed before flashing his sharp teeth at the cultists in front of him. “I’m your worst nightmare.”

Steel blades and spears were quick to pierce his flesh, but he merely laughed in the face of them, wounds sealing themselves shut before the first cultist was kicked in the back in retaliation. The others hesitated when they heard the SNAP of a spine breaking, just long enough for their assailant to grab one of them and hurl them into their fellow men. A flurry of punches were enough to knock several of them right out. Those bold enough to try to attack his blind spot were quickly turned into pincushions as the rain turned to daggers and stabbed them before they could lay a finger on him.

The Reverend- a tall, thin man with dark blue robes reminiscent of the depths- shot him an angry look and snarled, “You’re Crimson, aren’t you?”

“Not Crim’s son, just Crim,” the man quipped back as he flung another cultist aside. “Surprised?”

“I thought you have abandoned thoughts of mercenary work, given that those makeshift heroes have taken many of your jobs.”

Crim snorted. “Wow, bold words for someone who didn’t realize those ‘makeshift heroes’ turned Annis to ashes!” He ducked underneath a spray of seafoam that shot from the Reverend’s hand. “Even bolder words for someone who thinks they can get away with shit like this when their backs are turned! How stupid can you get?”

There was a quick slice he felt before he realized a water blade took off his entire right arm. Not so eager to get sliced again, Crim dropped to the ground before the next flurry of blades could hit him, blood rising and congealing to reform his arm. Before it could take the form of flesh, he shook off some flecks of blood which lanced out and stabbed the Reverend in his palms. The sheer satisfaction of hearing the bastard scream was enough to put a smile on his face, but it wasn’t enough. He shoulder bashed the bastard too, slamming him into the cold, muddy ground.

“Nice try, but no cigar,” Crim chuckled as his arm took the form of flesh once more. “Was going to spare ya if you just gave up, but you threw that option out real quick!” He opened his mouth wide, eying the Reverend’s throat hungrily. Before he could lunge and take a solid bite, he tasted the seafoam the bastard managed to blast in his face. He gagged, spitting as much of the briny stuff as he could. The tides were high enough to splash him, and even through the rain, he could hear something rising from the water.

The Reverend cackled at Crim’s suffering. “The Lord of the Sea has come!” he said as he raised his arms high. “He graces me with his aid! Your time is nigh, Crimson!”

As much as Crim wanted to just tear the bastard’s throat out and drink every single drop of blood he had out of spite, he had bigger fish to worry about as he turned and saw a massive Kraken rise from the depths. That was a problem. A very big problem. More than Crim wanted to reveal to that asshole over there.

He let out a nervous laugh that he quickly masked with more boisterous ones. “Pfft, like an oversized squid is gonna actually hurt me! Now, where was-”

Instant regret washed over him as the “oversized squid” grabbed him with a tentacle and dashed him against the cliffside. Repeatedly. And the Reverend was laughing at him, his voice as annoying as nails on a chalkboard, more so when he was being pulped.

“Not even you can withstand our Lord’s power! He will do what The Voice did not, and sink all ye sinful land dwellers into the depths! You will become a feast for the fishes, your bones used as toothpicks for our Lord! Look upon his mighty visage and weep, for it is far too late to repent, Crimson!”

Crim was barely recognizable as a human being as the Kraken dangled him right above its beak. Even then, whatever mass of blood he could move, he shifted into a massive middle finger pointed at the Reverend.

Just as he was about to become the Kraken’s meal, the tentacle holding him began to shrivel, the sea beast shrieking as its prey plopped onto the cliff. Other tentacles tried to grab him as he crawled away, but they landed beside him, twitching for a few seconds before the severed limbs stayed still.

The Reverend gasped as the Kraken wailed in pain. “No! Who could, nay, WOULD do this to him?!?” He whirled around, Crim grinning as a white haired woman with a pink tourmaline embedded in her forehead approached them, the rain around her turning into daggers that hovered at her side.

“Took you long enough, Pearls!”

The Reverend’s face twisted in anger as he launched a flurry of water blades at her, but quickly drained when those same blades stopped short of her and turned back towards him.

“Your magicks are naught more than suggestions to water,” Pearls said, voice cold as the sea’s depths. “A farce as big as the kraken you call Lord.” Crim turned back and watched as the kraken descended back to the sea as fast as it could, its blood staining the seafoam. “It seems his spine is still back in the Glasteran mountains. Hardly befitting of a lord.”

“Who… who are you?!?” the Reverend sputtered, crawling back towards the cliff like a startled mouse. “How did you-” A wall of water daggers planted itself behind him, the man yelping as they pierced through his hands. “Augh!! You… You aren’t an Envoy of the Voice, are you?!?”

“I am no envoy of the Voice, merely a sea witch. Riza Helgasdottir, of the Three Sirens.” Crim couldn’t help but watch with utmost glee as the Reverend’s pupils shrunk to the size of pinpricks. “For all the sins you have committed to please a false idol, I condemn you… to death.”

Thunder drowned out the Reverend’s scream and the sound of several daggers stabbing through vulnerable flesh. The rain slowed to a drizzle, the lightning and thunder fading into the distance as if the gods themselves were satisfied with the cultist’s punishment.

Crim wasn’t satisfied, though, so once he got to the body, he planted his teeth into the dead man’s neck and drained every drop of blood he had, leaving the corpse more like a raisin than anything else. He gagged as even the bastard’s blood tasted of seawater, but forced himself to swallow every drop as the multitude of plans held deep within the Reverend’s mind surged through his own. Several innocent people, tempted by the promise of a good time. Several people, screaming and crying for their loved ones as they were marched up the cliff. Several people, shamelessly tossed to the kraken like chum to sharks.

By the time these memories faded, Crim found the corpse turned to mush, guts dripping off his hands.

“Not even that is enough,” Pearls said as she turned away from the pulp that used to be a cultist. “Our job here is done, Crim. Let us return home.”

Crim heaved a heavy sigh, forcing himself back on his feet as he grumbled, “It’s done, but those tourists are still dead. If only we got to them sooner.”

“If only.” Pearls’ voice softened just a touch. “Let’s go. The least we can do is inform their loved ones.”

Though the storm was gone by the time the duo left the cliff, it still stormed, at least, in Crim’s heart, his hand clutching at his chest on the way home.

Peppino's Plight

 Whalestrand was certainly one of the pearls of the Glastera region. With it being a major port city and known for its mysterious vibes, it drew its fair share of tourists in. It would be a perfect place for several pizza shops to open up and compete for attention.

There was one particular pizza parlor that refused to go over there, though. Both because the place he used to lease  was filled with ghosts in the kitchen and wanted nothing to do with that anymore, and because then he’d be competing against a good friend of his, and that just wouldn’t do. Even if he was struggling with debt, Pizza Vampire was undoubtedly going through worse with the stigma against his kind.

So here in the quaint little town of Ravenloft sat Peppino’s Pizza, the titular owner, Peppino Spaghetti, wiping down the bartop for the umpteenth time as the last customer left crumbs all over the damn place. There were a few other people here within the hallowed brick walls, regulars chatting over the local goings-on as the smell of hot, cheesy goodness wafted from the kitchen. There was also a massive rat sitting near the bar, reading newspapers to pass the time. 

Overall, it was a good day, with no immediate problems to worry about. That’s as much as a pizza shop owner could ask for.

That peace was immediately disturbed when the doors slam open, Peppino yelping and hiding under the bar as visions of soldiers breaking in and unloading their guns filled his mind. He forced his quivering legs to straighten up just enough so he could peer over the bar. A tall, lanky man in an orange suit and a long, sharp nose walked in with a devious grin, strutting over to the bar. Peppino’s blood ran cold, but he forced himself to at least look like a normal person as he wrung his hands together, beads of sweat rolling down the sides of his face.

“Ah, Mr. Stick! How-a nice of you to pay a visit!” he said with a nervous smile. “G-getting the Peppino Supreme as-a usual?”

Mr. Stick shook his head, his glasses gleaming in the light. “Nah, I ain’t got much of an appetite for food. But I do have an appetite for somethin’ else.” He pulled a piece of paper from his pocket, unfolding it and sliding it to Peppino. The pizza man didn’t even need to look at it to know what it was, his heart dropping to the pits of his stomach. “After all, rentin’ this place out to ya ain’t cheap. Man’s gotta eat, y’know.”

Peppino turned towards the rat and tilted his head towards the customers. The rat folded up his newspaper neatly and set it to the side as he got up, magically got into a waiter’s outfit, put on some necklace with a speaker on it, then skedaddled right over to the customers to take their orders. With that done, Peppino sighed in relief before he gave Mr. Stick his full attention. “Please, give-a me some time,” he whispered, glancing back at the customers to make sure they weren’t approaching. “Just one more week, and I can get you the cash! You’ve gotta give-a me some time!”

“Yeah yeah, that’s what you say every time,” said Mr. Stick as he rolled his eyes. “Only so much I can do to help keep this place afloat in the middle of nowhere. That revenue ain’t enough to pay the bills, and I’m startin’ to get a lil cheesed about it, Mr. Spaghetti.” 

“B-but! The month is not-a even-a over! Please, just-”

Mr. Stick leaned in dangerously close, Peppino leaning back and trembling as if god himself was judging him instead of a loan shark. “Yeah, but at the rate you’re goin’, the interest’s gonna outpace ya. Face it: clientele’s nice ‘ere, but it just ain’t enough. You’re gonna need to move right on back to Whalestrand, where you can cook-a da pizza all you want for all those tourists.”

The pizza owner stared at him with wide eyes. “A-again? But the GHOSTS! I cannot-a handle the ghosts!”

“Well, it’s a good thing those Kobber folks are swingin’ by then, ain’t it?”

Mr. Stick’s grin grew wider as Peppino gasped. The Kobbers. Peppino knew of the Kobbers, but thinking about any of their misadventures made his heart race. Especially after what he heard from dear Madeline, with someone attempting to stir up another World War. On the other hand, he remembered cheering from the sidelines at the brawl as Madeline made her way through. Yes, 43rd place wasn’t good, but she was far braver than he had ever been, and was that not enough? 

With the pizzeria owner’s attention firmly in his grasp, the stickman straightened up. “They’ll take care of the ghosts for ya, then we’ll have a cheap place to keep everythin’ runnin’. Then you can make all the money ya want, and you can pay off all that debt ya got. Kobbers got deep pockets, ya know.”

Peppino gulped. “B-but Pizza Vampire-”

“Oh, right. Him.” Mr. Stick pulled out a map of Whalestrand, marking the haunted kitchen and Pizza Vampire’s shop on there. “Don’t worry, you guys are far enough apart that youse won’t compete all that much. Different districts, y’see?”

“B-but then-a the property damage-”

“Kobbers can handle that. They have a whole organization ‘bout handlin’ stuff in the aftermath of one of their fights.”

“A-and what about this-a place? We cannot-a just up and-a leave!”

Mr. Stick groaned. “Of course you can! It’s not like we’re gonna shut this place down! Just let Gustavo and Brick handle things here, and long as you rake in enough money in Whalestrand, boom, you can handle two locations and pay off your debt all at the same time!”

Peppino did like the idea of keeping two pizza places. Gustavo was good enough on his own, right? And the rat, Brick… he’d be here too, right? But still, something about the whole thing struck him as odd. “And-a if it doesn’t work out like-a you said…?” he asked, even if he dreaded the answer.

He was right to dread it. Mr. Stick shrugged. “Then you’ll go bankrupt and the places get foreclosed ‘n all. No big deal, you can start your life over! Gotta go big or go home to deal with the bills, buddy!”

“No big-a deal, eh.” The grin vanished from Mr. Stick’s face as he noticed Peppino’s left eye twitch. “Let the poor man-a starve while you line-a your pockets full of money. No big-a deal.” Now it was Peppino’s turn to tower over Mr. Stick and point down at him, the wrath of god boiling up inside of him. “YOU THINK I’M-A THAT STUPID, EH? THINK I’M-A GONNA SACRIFICE MY LIFE’S WORK OVER A GAMBLE? YOU MAKE-A FUN OF THE POOR PIZZA MAN, EH?” He grabbed Mr. Stick by the tie and yanked him close as he hissed, “Then it’s gonna be on YOUR dollar, you stupid, al-dente pasta noodle. Not mine.”

Stick quivered and tried to pull himself away, but the Italian’s grip was too tight. “Okay, okay, I’ll help subsidize you, okay?!? I was just tryin’ to help!”

“More like trying to-a bleed-a me wallet dry,” growled Peppino as he let go of the tie. He tried not to grin as the stickly man collapsed onto the floor like a wet noodle. “Now get out, you-a slick weasel.” 

“Y-yeah! J-just don’t forget the money! And just THINK about the whole idea, alright? You could stand to get a lil more profits!” Mr. Stick scrambled up and zoomed out of the pizzeria, leaving dust clouds in his wake. Customers turned to see what was going on, but by the time they looked, Peppino’s pure adrenaline-fueled wrath was exhausted, leaving him as an anxious pile of flesh clutching his head in sheer fear.

“Oooh, what have I done?” he said to himself, sweating bullets. “Now I’m-a in big trouble… Oh, how will I survive now? Who’s to say he won’t-a bring up the debt out-a spite? Oh, what to do?” While the rest of the night was uneventful, he couldn’t help but chew on his fingers to try to get some anxious energy out. But there was a lot he had to think about with this sticky situation.

Well. At the very least, the idea of going back to Whalestrand was back in his head. Maybe he could see Madeline again, keep an eye on her. Nah, she could take care of herself, better than he could. It’s all a matter of figuring out one thing.

Was the profit and experience going to be worth the effort? Or would the chaos the Kobbers bring make things so much harder?

Winds of Fate

 Marisa looked down below, down at the city she resided in for a whole year now. It was lively enough throughout the year, but the inevitble call for adventures and Kobbers rang out someway, somehow. And where there are Kobbers, there's hustle and bustle.

It was easy enough to spot when activity picked up. In fact, the witch was a little surprised that more and more tourists wearing some youkai fish girl shirt and memorabilia were popping up. Tsubakura complained about this sudden burst of activity when said fish girl made her appearance on stage, claiming she could hear the concert from her bedroom. Certain celebrities made their grand appearance: Dream Defender Doremy (apparently Kevvy's new stage name, just so he wasn't confused with Kogasa) and Frostmaiden Cindy Rozenblair caught the eyes of many a person. She could see now bolts of lightning zipping through the city, presumably people who were really enjoying the fast lane. Heck, she could even see Diadem in her food truck, Hakra and some rather grumpy gal discussing the ways to use the constellation Corvus as a spell. 

As the time of the Kobbers return came ever so closer, the witch's heart beat faster and faster, racing in anticipation.

She landed close to the Silver Tribute, stretching her arms and yawning as she was welcomed by the warm glow of magitech lights. "Maybe I should give Desiree a visit," Marisa said with a small smile. "Start advertisin' the arcade again-"

"Oh? Running a business, are we?"

Marisa snapped her head towards the source, a pair of red eyes looking down at her like a snake who found its prey. 

"Wait, you're here, Kanako?"

The short haired woman flicked her hair back and smirked. "With faith to gather, why wouldn't I be here? So many troubles to resolve, enough to surely gain favor with the locals."

Marisa narrowed her eyes. "Just here for the faith? Ya sure yer not here for Suwako?"

For a split second, she could see Kanako's cheeks flush pink. "W-well, after she inconveniently gave herself radiation poisoning and didn't have the sense to ask Okuu to deal with it, someone had to come and make sure the Mover of Mountains doesn't cripple herself."

"That's a lotta words to try 'n say you wanna keep her safe, Kanny."

Kanako cleared her throat and turned away. "Regardless, seeing how you have become a Champion of sorts and therefore a reliable incident solver in these parts, I thought I would grace  both you and the Kobbers with my presence. They would not deny a goddess her chance to prove herself, not when I can aid them in their endeavors. It would look terrible to see them turn me away on the First of May, after all."

Marisa sighed and shook her head. "All business again, huh. They might not be the same crowd from Vegas, but that ain't the kinda attitude you wanna go in with. They might just call Reimu and Sumi to slap some sense into ya. So why dontcha relax and be a normal gal, for a change?"

The goddess closed her eyes. Marisa what thoughts were brewing in her head before the goddess replied, "Hm, not such a bad idea. If they were to know I were a goddess, it would open the doors for sycophants to bow to my every whim. Easier to gain the trust of the people as an ordinary human with extraordinary powers. I would still gather faith, though in a rather unorthodox way." Kanako smirked as if she had hit the jackpot in a casino. "Yes, that'll do. Perhaps you do get good ideas here and there, Miss Kirisame."

"Always a pleasure, Lady Yasaka, O Heavenly Goddess of Harvests and Rains, One who brought Nuclear Energy to Gensokyo and taught Rinnosuke what a Game Boy was," Marisa said with a smug look of her own.

"Good to know you are more than a scycophant than I remember," Kanako said, unamused. "Now, you've lived here for a while, yes? Would you be so kind as to aid me in finding a suitable place to reside? Or, perhaps we should catch up somewhere. I do believe there is a cafe evoking the Seven Winds, no?"

"Sure thing, but not with that huge rope hangin' 'round yer back." The witch pointed towards the massive shimenawa ring behind Kanako. "If yer gonna be normal for once, might as well start there."

The goddess glared and muttered something under her breath before she said, "Very well... let's head towards your residence. I'm sure you have a big enough closet to hold this, no?"

As the duo flew over to Marisa's new house, the realization that maybe it won't fit in there dawned on the witch. That, and she'd have to live with Kanako until the goddess got her own place, or at least a hotel room.

Oh, the Kobbers could not come soon enough.

The Final Fight

 

Through clear blue skies and the warm rays of the sun, Marisa soared as a trail of explosive orbs followed behind her.

Bobbing and weaving between a curtain of magical bullets, getting close enough to only be grazed and not hit, was a talent that was driven into many Gensokyo residents. The Spell Card fights demanded such reflexes of them. No one wanted to be the one who bumbled into a bullet, or react a second too late to a laser coming right at them. These were elegant fights, a test of skill as beautiful patterns of orbs, kunai, and much more filled the skies with their dazzling splendor. 

As someone who dealt with many youkai showing off their spell cards to distract and befuddle, dodging was like breathing for Marisa Kirisame: instinct, something she barely had to think about due to muscle memory. She felt the heat of those explosives threaten to sear her skin, sweat dripping from her brow down her cheek, but she did not slow down nor panic when the danger was on top of her.

"COWARD! COME BACK AND FIGHT!" boomed a voice high in the sky before another barrage of explosions rained down. "OR ARE YOU TOO CHICKEN TO FACE A FINAL BOSS?"

Marisa rolled her eyes as she just narrowly dodged the barrage. "Nah, you can keep tiring yourself out," she said. "I'm just here for the ride."

"FOOL!!!" Dark thunderbolts rained down, one of them catching Marisa's broom and setting it aflame. Not willing to be either burnt to a crisp nor take a tumble from the skies, the witch flew down towards the ground and landed on her feet before attempting to put out the flames. The skies around her grew dark as the figure descended, looming over her like any proper Final Boss would.

"Not much of a hotshot now, huh?" said the smug woman's face in the middle of the creature. "And here I was, thinking you were worth the effort."

"PATHETIC WHELP! SOME CHAMPION YOU ARE!" boomed the dragon's head at the bottom. "WE'LL KILL YOU, MAIM YOU, PARADE YOUR CORPSE TO ZETTA AS A WARNING! GWAHAHAHA!"

"Sorry," squeaked the timid torso on top, putting his index fingers together and looking all the world like a sad puppy. "It's just that, well, you're really strong, and that's sort of a problem for us. It'd make us look... uh, bad."

Marisa shrugged. "Well, I'm not gonna roll over and die for any of you, thanks. I ain't a champ for nothin'."

"Oh, really?" The woman's sneer grew. "But you don't have any of your little friends helping you. Without them, you're not much of anything!"

"Pretty sure I also showed off that I can handle myself, too. Or did you miss that last bit of the Brawl?"

"LESS TALK, MORE FIGHT!"

The dragon's orb glowed with red hot power  before a flurry of fireballs rained down upon the ground, setting the ground ablaze where they touched. Marisa hopped back onto her doused broom, magic orbs surrounding her as she took off. They hung behind the tail end of her broom, facing the dreaded Final Boss as they fired piercing lasers at them. Not much good for piercing, though: they left burns where they touched, but nothing more. Marisa groaned and turned around, firing magic missiles in attempt to weaken them. No dice: two of them barely even noticed.

"HAHA, THAT TICKLED!"

"You're going to need to hit harder than that to stop us, witch."

"Ow, ow, OWWW! Cut it out, aim for them, not me!"

"Shut up, Micky. We're in this together, whether you like it or not!"

"I wasn't the one who instigated the fight, Ophelia!"

As they argued, Marisa took this chance to think. Lasers weren't working, magic missiles didn't make a dent, and she knew her sword would just bounce off if neither of those options worked. Using Final Spark too early would leave her without her Mini Hakkero for a time, and if that didn't do anything, then it would simply be a waste. As weird as the trio of demons were, they were at least more bite than bark when it came to being a Final Boss.

There wasn't much time before they decided to actually use their brains and barrage her from every angle, though. Much as she didn't like it, Marisa showered them in stars, lighting up the shadows as they swirled around her. It wasn't perfect: they were tanking those hits about as much as she thought. She just needed to play keep-away until she could exploit some sort of weakness.

Ophelia yawned. "Oh, wonderful, stars. Dryzen, show her what a real star looks like, won't you?"

"OF COURSE! YOUR PUNY STAR MAGICKS ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO MINE!"

Dryzen's orb turned an ominous shade of purple, several other points of the final boss's body shining bright. Marisa's heart stopped for a moment as she realized just was going to happen. She quickly took out her Mini Hakkero and fired a massive Final Spark, just as the trio shot their own massive, star-powered beam.

It was then that Marisa noticed the difference in power. Her beam barely budged forward, while theirs was approaching her and threatening to roast her alive. Maybe leaving without Dreamcast in tow to deal with the strange dark signals Tsubakura was picking up was a massive mistake. Her thoughts filled with happy memories after the brawl, roller blading with Dreamcast, just relaxing with Amity... Even with redemption, karma would always come back, one way or another.

All went white.

Then, a scream pierced through the silence. Marisa found herself still breathing, her mini hakkero burnt out. Did she do it? No, she couldn't have. She was strong, but not that strong. What happened?

Clear as day, she saw the gaping wound in Micky's torso as he cried, flesh and bone exposed to the open air as if something tore a part of him right off. The final boss quivered, Ophelia's sneer shifting to a glare, while Dryzen's voice no longer boomed.

"Such strong mana... it can't... it can't be..." Dryzen's voice trembled like a tree in a storm, his orb losing all its luster.

"Ugh, of all the times for her to show up."

Marisa briefly wondered if Reimu decided she had enough of Gensokyo to come kick ass in Agama before her own body began to tremble. There was something in the air, a strong presence. It reminded her of Yukari, but Yukari would never bother lifting a finger just from the kindness of her heart.

Stomp. Stomp. STOMP. The ground quaked as the mystery assailant appeared. Horns peeked out from pink hair, wings folded behind her back, annoyance written all over her face. 

"So you had the dumb idea to show up here of all places, Valvoga?" said the demon as she stepped forward. "I thought you had a bit more sense than that."

Inbetween Micky's pathetic cries, Ophelia hissed, "Priere. So nice of you to join us, but don't you have your own itty bitty Netherworld to run?"

"YEAH, GO BACK AND RUN BACK HOME! LET US HAVE OUR FUN! LET ME KILL THE WITCH!"

Overlord Priere shook her head. "If you had any brains, you'd be trying to take it over." A pause, the demon looking thoughtful until she became the epitome of smuggery. "Oh, wait. You can't. Because you suck."

Marisa swore that if Ophelia had any control of her cohort's hands, she'd be shaking all four fists at Priere. "You...! Bold words for an idiot who pissed off to another dimension!"

"Bold words for a boss who might as well be tissue paper compared to what the Kobbers have faced."

As the two threw insults at each other, Marisa finally took her chance to stow away her mini-hakkero in her broom's storage compartment and pull out a few potions in its place. She slowly floated away, out of the boss's range of vision. As she did, though, she noticed a few strange creatures bumbling their way through, but didn't really think too much of them as she took off high into the skies. She waited... and waited... and waited...

"-and you think you  can beat us after you struggled to beat Ladeca on your own? Pfft. Fat chance."

"I didn't see you trying to upsurp her for being more Final Boss-y than you. But suuuure, keep dissing me. That'll help your case."

Okay, she waited long enough. At the first sign of magic being thrown about (from neither of them, it looked like), Marisa dived like a comet, wreathing herself in light and smashing herself into that wound Priere conveniently opened up for her. Valvoga screamed in a mix of fury and pain, Micky swiping at the witch but missing her by a hair. Screams of pain turned to rage as the skies lit up beams and explosives, Valvoga haphazardly hurling Star magic at everyone who dared to hurt them. It was back to the dodging game for Marisa, magic orbs firing a healthy mix of lasers and magic missiles to open that wound up further.

The Final Boss turned their attention to the pesky little witch, charging up another powerful beam to annihilate her. Nope, she wasn't going to survive that, so how was she going to feint it out? By jerking and zipping away from it mere seconds before it fired off, in true Gensokian fashion. And with them being distracted, Priere unfolded her wings and took to the skies, blowing another huge chunk of Valvoga off with a magical atomic blast. Marisa cringed a little as the flesh turned rancid, color draining from Micky. They didn't move, the blast doing something to them that kept them from budging an inch. A chance to chip away was not a chance Marisa was going to let slide.

"RUUGH, I'LL KILL BOTH OF YOU! YOU'LL BE NOTHING BUT ATOMS!" Dryzen roared, his orb glowing yet again. Before he could manage that, though, Marisa saw from the corner of her eye something speeding through the sky, screaming like a woman possessed. She blinked, and in the next moment, a baton was sticking right out of the orb, cracks spreading like a spiderweb. Dryzen wailed less like an angry dragon and more like a sniveling child who got a big bad boo boo. 

And who did the deed, Marisa wondered? She wondered no longer as the dust cleared, a rather busty nun holding another baton in her hand and spinning it 'round her fingers as confident as could be. She kind of looked like the demon... were they sisters? Twins?

" Took you long enough, Prier," said the Overlord. "I was beginning to wonder if you were ever going to get here!"

The nun's eyes flared with anger as she snapped, "You left me behind, you jackass! You could have at least taken me with you!"

"And risk you dislodging them from your weight alone? No, thank you."

"Rrrgh, why you-"

"Sorry to cut the comedy routine short," Marisa said, "but I think we have bigger problems." She pointed towards Valvoga, who reared back, body beginning to glow as bright as it could.

Lightning crackled throughout the demon's body, Ophelia's face twisted into pure rage. "Fine, I'll take care of all of you in one fell swoop! I'll show you why they call us a Final Boss!"

Priere rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Prier stared blankly at them before she cracked out into a chuckle and said, "You're doing it by blowing yourself up? What a sore loser!"

Marisa pulled out a notepad and pen from her broom's stash and leaned back. "Alright, show me whatcha got! Maybe I can learn from it and make a cool new spell out of it."

"SCREW YOU! SCREW ALL OF YOU!"

Valvoga's body pulsed and grew brighter by the second. Marisa knew she was fast enough to zip away, but what about the other two? Prier whistled as a gaggle of monsters, the very same ones Marisa saw bumbling earlier, teamed up to form a barrier around the demon with their magicks, Priere surrounding that barrier with a square barrier of her very own that glowed with holy-ish power. When the mighty Valvoga exploded like a supernova, the first set of barriers broke, but the second held up thanks to the first absorbing most of the energy. Thus, there was little left of the Final Boss but dust and ash.

As the barrier disappeared, Prier dusted her hands off and stood there with confidence. "Another demon sent to repent!" Her pride made way for disappointment as she added, "though the stupid thing blew itself up before I could do a cool finisher."

"What you should have done was told them you beat Ba'al, first," Priere said with a tsk. "Then they would have pissed themselves and ran."

"At this point, beating Ba'al is like saying you beat god: everyone's done it one time or another!"

"You do realize that's preeetty blasphamous, right?"

"What? Kobbers beat gods plenty of times, you know that!"

"I don't think you get it." The overlord shook her head before turning towards Marisa. "Hey, you! You did great! Who taught you all that, anyway?"

Marisa blinked. "Nevermind all that, did Okuu teach you how to blow up a boss or somethin'? Did ya eat a sun god on the way over here like a hot dog?"

"Nah, I just beat up 1 billion demons."

"Oh, so yer a regular incident solver too, eh?" Marisa landed between the nun and demon and grinned. "Thanks for the help! Felt like I was just throwin' rocks at him and hopin' they'd die from a concussion. Marisa's the name, by the way. What about you?"

The Overlord held out her hand for a handshake and smiled. "Overlord Priere. One of the stronger 'Final Bosses' you'll ever meet!"

"And I'm Prier!" the nun chimed in. "La Pucelle's greatest demon hunter, and soon to be their Maiden of Light!"

Marisa gave that hand a mighty shake like they were brothers-in-arms. "Think I heard of ya! Definitely an incident solver, then! Well, 'nuff standin' round here, lemme treat y'all to a drink! Then we can talk about how ya know that Volvega guy and why you came out here in the first place! There's gotta be a story behind it, eh?"

"Mmmmaaaybe~!"

"Aaaand she's not gonna say anything until you drown her with alcohol," Prier sighed. "You'll pay for food too, right? I'm starving. Can't keep eating rations of hardtack.  Blech, who thought those were a good idea?"

Off the trio went, marching happily over to the Silver Tribute. Thus, a new gang of incident solvers was formed! There was one question that lingered in Marisa's mind, though.

Why did a Final Boss show up now, of all times?

An Amusing Dream

 "Ever wonder just how you get an idea? Maybe a bit of inspiration? Or maybe it's a big ol' 'EUUUUREKA!' moment? What? You thought about that all by yourself? Look at you, all grown up and gettin' thoughts! Really, though, every once in a while, I'll give ya a lil hand and squeeze some of that brain juice out to reaaally get those creative juices flowing!

Who am I? WHO AM I?!? Well, ya heard of Muses, right? Norse- NO, Greek mythology? Sisters? Each had their own shindig that humans at the time thought they were responsible for? Yep, knew that'd ring a bell! WELL... I ain't them. They're long gone, see? Saw how their gods were doin', read all papers about Zeus bangin' everything in sight, and noped on outta there! No, no, no, no, no, I'm like them, but not actually them, capiche? Miss Amanda Muse is the name, and inspiration's my game! Here's my business card, an exclusive t-shirt, and a branded kazoo for ya! No need to thank me, you won't have 'em once you wake up anyway.

I come in your dreams, in your lil sleepy addled thoughts, and give ya ideas! You wouldn't remember me, I look different every time dependin' on the dream! Your dreams goin' wild and crazy? I miiight have been fiddlin' around your noggin. For example, ooonce upon a time, yours truly popped into a dream, some sorta Pokemon battle thing! Decided to transform into a cat thing that can change based on the genre of music its usin', and whaddya know, that same cat was summoned by one of Wize Guy's gang for somethin' or other! Only once, but once is enough for me!

I don't do that all the time, though. All work and no play makes Muse a dull girl and all! Sometimes I just pop in and just turn into whatever and see if I stick out enough for someone to remember that oooone itty bitty detail. Bit of prankstery stuff, not really expectin' that it'd inspire, say, Adeline to paint the Sistine Chapel or somethin'! Just havin' some good ol' fun, y'see? Hey, it's borin' when you're just stuck in the Dream World and can't enjoy the better things in life like maple syrup and waffles! No, I ain't bitter or nothin', no siiirreee.

So maybe every once in a while, say, 'Thanks Miss Muse!' If ya lucid dream, then share a martini with me! Or a Manhattan! Sure, if ya lucid dream we can get down and dirty. I ain't too shy about it- wait, hold HANDS?! Woah, you're movin' at the speed of light on this relationship, buddy! 

Naaah, just joshin' ya, kid! Ya ever met Auntie Anne? Yeah? I'm kinda like her, but I come to you instead of you goin' to her! That, and I ain't here to give advice aside from stop abusing the thesaurus, ya dumbass! Spammin' said's FINE! Ignore whoever said ya always gotta use fancy-schmancy words to spice up your story! Said just rolls off the brain like water off a duck, so use those special words for somethin' that needs a POP!

What, you wanna remember me? Not many people can do that, no sir! Lucid dreamers can maybe figure it out, but most of the time, your dream'll be slippin outta your brain faster than you can think about any enseey-weensie details. Don't give me that look, I know what I'm gettin' myself into! I don't need to be remembered, I just wanna leave some sorta IMPACT! Bring somethin' new to the table so that new ideas get put into action! Everybody remembers the warrior who did all the heavy liftin', but not so much the bard who tags along and give him a helpin' hand, and y'know what?  That's fine by me!

N-no, I don't need company or nothin'. A dream spirit's bound to be forgotten, and if you ain't cozy with that, this ain't the job for ya. Yeah, it gets lonely since ya gotta go through this whole thing of 'are ya worthy of bein' one of us' and lemme tell ya, that application process takes so long, your bod's gonna be half rotted six feet under before they even call ya up for an interview! 'Wait, i have to be DEAD to be one of them?' Well, duh! Things get complicated otherwise. Doubt you'd want to basically be in a coma with your body shrivelin' up like a prune while your brain's stuck on REM sleep mode tryin' to do dream spirit stuff. Naaaasty stuff. They stopped that after a whole controversy centuries ago, but I won't bore ya with the details. 

Whoops, look at the time! You're fadin'! Sorry, seems like we gotta say 'sayonara'! Maybe if ya practice writin' down dreams, maybe you'll remember me a lil better! Don't worry, we'll see each other again, one way or another! Maybe I'll look different! Maybe I won't! Just make sure to take what ya can remember and see  if you can make somethin' out of it! Adios, muchachos!"

Rising Star(s)

 "Ohoohooo, what do we have here?"

Stellaris peeked behind an alley with a mischevious smile as she looked upon Agama's ports with curiosity. There was a bunch of hubbub here all of a sudden without a Kobber in sight, and clearly that meant some sort of celebrity was here? If she could get on their good side, it'd give her a clear advantage to advertise over Esme's business! She could taste success right then and there, creeping up and blending in with the crowds.

She had to admit: the ship that everyone was gawking at was rather impressive. Massive, even. Maybe it was big enough to hold two of everything in there, least in Stellaris's mind. Elegant, yet dangerous with the several cannons she could see on the side. The men coming down from it were hardly anything to talk about. Sure, they looked nice, but she could smell some sort of stink on them. Now, the man in purple, with an outfit fitting for a captain and a pencil-thin, pointy stashe? He was fame material! 

The fortune teller shoved her way through the crowd towards the very front, taking in everything on that man. The many badges, the golden trim around his sleeves, the way he walked with such confidence! 

"Step aside, step aside!" called out one crew member. "Make way for the one and only Captain of the Seven Skies, the wonderous, illustrious, fantabulous Lord Valor!" The crowds parted like the red sea to let Lord Valor through, the man clearly soaking in all the attention. 

Pulling out her phone to look him up, Stellaris found almost nothing about him. A little footnote here and there, but nothing stood out to her that screamed 'Oh, HIM!' Stellaris glared at him now, miffed that he wasn't the superstar she thought he was, before the crowds cheers intensified suddenly. So suddenly, in fact, she had to cover her ears to protect her precious eardrums!

"What on EARTH are you people cheering for? A nobody?!" Stellaris tried to shout, her voice drowned out by the crowd. She fumed for a bit until she saw someone else disembarking the boat, a fishy tail waggling behind her, her hair flowing in the wind.

"YUI!!!!" shouted the crowd, throwing flowers and glitter as the idol trailed behind Lord Valor with a derpy smile. "YUI! YUI! YUI!"

It all clicked... maybe. Stellaris had to make sure by looking her up. Instantly, she was bombarded with site after site after site devoted to this famous fishlady. All of them seemed to have been made within the last couple of months, but that didn't particularly catch her eye. No, it was the Youtube videos of her doing silly, childish things, the photoshoots, the huge amount of effort that went into her Wiki page that wasn't simply a list of traits she has (or had). 

For a moment, the fortune teller frowned as Yui went on her way, skipping as cheerfully as a child. To be that free to do silly things... No. Someone would think she was immature rather than cutesy eventually, right? She's too carefree, with hardly a worry! She hadn't had to work for anything, not even earning the approval of those who tutored her! Here Yui was, prancing about like some sudden superstar while she, the great Stellaris, had to toil for her fame and status for years before she got even close to being a mainstay?!

Such furious thoughts consumed her entirely, to the point where the crowd was gone by the time she snapped out of it. She huffed and crossed her arms. She didn't need this Yui girl to get back into the Astrology game! No, tutoring Hakra would bring even better results! To teach one who mingles upon the Kobbers meant that her name would spread through their circle, and the Kobbers would come pouring into her shop in no time!

Yes, yes, that was the way, she thought as she marched on home. Who needed that weirdo, anyway?

------------------

Yui honestly didn't know much about what was going on. The crowds were nice and pleasant, and she met people she was certain might be important. Like the red bunny girl who asked about the permits. Or the big bird welcoming the Lord to Agama. And the blue dinosaur thing. 

What warranted such attention? All she knew was that the pirates asked her to pose and be cute, so she did so. They gave her food afterwards, which was nice. Then they asked her to act natural and be silly, and she had no idea what that meant, but being clumsy with dishes and singing seemed to make them happy! Five days a week, they did this, and every time she was somewhere new with weird things, like zebras and giraffes in a zoo, or fellow fish trapped within the confines of a cage that kinda looked happier here than in the sea, and some sort of two wheeled thing they called a bike. Each and every one was a learning experience for her, and she figured maybe they wanted to capture the moment.

Then she had all these letters she couldn't read ("Who wrote this in CURSIVE?!?" grumbled a pirate) and pictures of people who somehow looked like her pinned in her room. She liked the drawings they sent the most, because she could understand those the best. They liked her, right? She didn't know who they were, but they liked her!

A fan approached her with a flower in hand, looking at her with bright eyes. "Yui, I'm so glad to meet you! I, uh, brought a gift! Do you like flowers?"

Yui opened her mouth to respond when a pirate interjected with a laugh, stepping inbetween them as he said, "Sorry, kid, she strained her voice singing the other day! Maybe you and her can talk... later, maybe?"

Before she knew it, Yui was pushed ahead, far, far ahead of the crowd. She frowned. That flower looked pretty, and she wanted to practice her Thank Yous. But maybe they wanted to wait until she was fluent in the human tongue? They never did ask her to talk or anything. Even her singing was really just humming! It was so strange, but maybe that was how it was in the human world?

A long, long day waited ahead of her, though. One Lord Valor was more than happy to announce.

"Part 1 of Mascot Mania is complete! They absolutely love her, thanks to my clever and witty ways with the internet! Now, it's time to begin Part 2: win the entire city's trust and love, and milk as much money out of these poor peasants as possible! Then, if Xiulan is still alive, she will come and confront me, but be unable to hurt me while we take her head! And if she ISN'T alive..." Lord Valor stroked his moustashe and chuckled. "Then we'll have enough money to spend fuel to find her miserable, rotting body on the seas! Nyeheheheh!"

"Nyehehehehe!" Yui repeated, not sure what was so funny about the situation but trying to fit in anyway with the pirates that chuckled along. 

The Fishy Mascot

 Ah, to be a fish in the sea! To be surrounded by friends and family in schools, with little worries except where the next meal would be! To swim and be free, and-

SLAP. A school of fish were dazed as a saw pierced through. They scattered best they could, swimming as fast as their fins would allow. Most would live to see another day, but some would meet their end as they were gulped right up.

The sawfish chowed down on them, content as could be. Good thing, too: they might have starved if they didn't find anything! The sawfish lazily drifted away, glancing towards the seabed in case any other tasty morsels were hidden within.

It was the same old thing day after day: hunt, dig, eat, repeat. Maybe they'd find a mate, or hide from a shark, but it was about as thrilling as watching grass grow. Maybe they'd see another one of their number? No. They haven't seen their kin for miles. The last time they did, the hook from the heavens dragged them up above the surface, and they were never seen again. 

They were careful to stay close to the seabed, resisting the temptation of free food from above. They did not want to meet such a fate. No, they would rather keep with their lives, boring as they may be.

The sawfish enjoyed their simple life, up until they were cloaked in blinding light. They flailed violently, thinking maybe they were being attacked. What could possibly do such a thing, when the Lanternfish lived in deeper depths than them? Panic spread, the sawfish continuing to flail until suddenly, all went dark.

---------------------

"-sure this is okay? She looks kind of out of it..."

"Of COURSE it's okay! The spell worked, did it not? Who needs that brutish samurai when we have HER?!?"

The sawfish choked as she awoke, unfamiliar with the power of human lungs. Open air terrified her as she was no longer cloaked in the sea's embrace. She was dying, wasn't she? She would meet the same fate as her breathren, and become someone else's dinner! What a terrible fate she met!

"Oh, Boss, she's awake!"

Words. Words she understood, but she didn't understand why or how. There was no time to comprehend that as she used her "fins" to prop herself up. They felt weird,  segmented. It was no exageration to say that this was the most she felt ever in her life. And her life didn't seem to be fading. She was breathing, wasn't she? Maybe not through gills, but something?

She gawked at the men who stood around her, staring blankly at them and freezing in place. Humans? Here? Where was she? And why was that weird man with the hair above his lips approaching her with a smile? Oh no, he was going to eat her, wasn't he?

"Why, hello, and welcome!" he said. "Oh, I'm sure you're quite startled, but not to worry! None of us will lay a finger on you. Wouldn't do well to hurt our mascot after summoning her, no?"

The 'sawfish' stared at him with confusion. A mascot? What IS that? Was it a different type of fish?  Ugh, she felt something on her back and shook her head to get rid of it, but clumps of wet hair just flopped into her face instead. 

"But now that you are here, I do humbly and sincerely request that you simply look good! Smile, and be merry! You will feast with your newfound family and have a room all your own, and you will be the envy of women everywhere! Ha, even our 'darling' captain would go mad knowing she's no longer the mascot of this crew!"

The weird hairy man just kept talking and talking. She didn't know what to do. Food? Free food was nice. Her eyes glazed over as she imagined eating shrimp and oysters for days on end. Maybe some guppies here and there. A mantis shrimp as a treat, too? The possibilities were endless!

She was jolted out of her thoughts when someone nudged her on the side. 

"Psst. You really not gonna say thank you to him?" She turned towards the pirate, who looked upon her with concern. "You should say something, otherwise Lord Valor might throw a fit."

"Blub?" Even she was startled when the word came out of her mouth. "Blub?!? Blub blub.  Glub." 

The pirate looked over at Lord Valor now, sweat dripping down the side of his cheek. "Uh, Lord Valor, I think the spell messed up somewhere. Did you mess up the words or something?"

Lord Valor turned red as a tomato and stomped his foot down. "Of COURSE not! 'O, Lord of the Sea, bringeth to me a mascot who understands me!' How could I possibly make a mistake?"

"Because she's, you know... not speaking words?"

"Blub?" 

As the pirates exchanged glances, Lord Valor huffed and crossed his arms. "I-I clearly planned for this! Clearly, she understands us, but it is up to us to teach her to speak! Even then, she doesn't NEED to speak to be a mascot for our ship, no?"

"But what if she wanders off somewhere without us?"

"She'll remain on the ship and close to our sides at all times! As if we'd even think about letting her out of our sights!"

"How can we tell she's hungry or thirsty or has to use the bathroom-"

"We feed her on a schedule, you dunce! Isn't that simple?" With a huff and a puff, Lord Valor Now, enough questions! We need a name for her, and quickly! Something cute, something memorable!"

The fish girl sat as they all tossed out suggestions, unsure of how to think of this. She only knew herself as Sawfish. That was the extent of who and what she was. Now she was more, and she couldn't just name herself Human. Who could grasp the concept of a name, when a name was never needed in the world she lived in?

"How about Paimon?"

"I'm going with Fisharina!"

"Gross! We should just call her Saara! With TWO As!"

"The Cooler Xiulan!"

Suggestion after suggestion came out, each one more infuriating than the last. Crimson with anger, Lord Valor shouted, "Stop joking around, you buffoons! Why would we name such a beautiful girl something like 'Paimon?' Does no one have any sense of taste?" Complete and utter silence. The captain grumbled and shook his head. "Fine, we'll worry about her name later! One of you, teach her how to read and write! Can't have her seem illiterate, otherwise we'd become a laughingstock! Now, GO!"

It took some time before the former sawfish became comfortable in her new body. Walking was an experience, almost tripping over herself with each step. The pirates were kind enough to escort her and teach her, at least? She proved to be a fast learner, learning the alphabet and words associated with each letter. She couldn't speak them aside from a few she found interesting: "Y...U... I." Those three letters together felt nice to her, enough that when she finally learned to write, she wrote those down over and over and smiled like a child.

With time, the pirates noticed, and taught her how to pronounce it. And when the sounds came out, it felt pleasant. No, it felt right, somehow.

"Yui. Yui. Yuuuuiiiiii."

As annoying as it was for her to keep saying that, the crew decided that they might as well call her that. She responded to that more consistently, so why not? Now, as for whether the captain would like their 'mascot' to be saying her name all the time was another story. A story they'd prefer to delay as long as possible.

Seeing her smile every time they called her, though? It almost made their hearts melt. Almost. The perfect name for a perfect mascot.

The BRILLIANCE of Lord Valor! (Subtitled: Recruiting the Undefeated Samurai of the East)

 He wished he wasn't here.

Lord Valor hated it. Hated the stench of alcohol in the air, hated the unrefined atmosphere, hated the drunkards singing off-tune to Happy Hour Kareoke. He'd rather be on his ship, dining on crab roe and truffles with a glass of Chardonnay instead of this peasant's dumping ground. It was unbecoming of him to even be here, in a place his ex-captain would visit during her off hours. To even be remotely associated with her made his skin crawl.

However much he hated it here in the Golden Blade Tavern, there was one thing of value here. A certain someone in the corner, sitting with a bottle of what he thought was some cheap Grab 'n Go quality booze. There was no mistaking her long, pink hair, the goggle over her left eye, and the missing arm on her right side. Valor grinned, looking back towards his crewmates following behind for just a moment before approaching the rugged woman.

"Ah, if it isn't Baiken, Undefeated Samurai of the East!" Lord Valor said, twirling his pencil-thin moustashe. "A pleasure to see you again after, ah, two years?"

Baiken didn't look back at him, throwing back her drink in one glug. "Cut the crap and spit it out: what do you want?"

"You wound me, to say such cold words when we haven't seen each other in so long!" Valor sighed and shook his head. "Come, now, I'll pay for your, ah-"

"I already paid."

"W-well, then why don't we chat, talk about the past like good friends-"

"You're nobody's friend."

A vein pulsed in Valor's forehead, though he kept it hidden with his purple pirate hat. "Alright, then. I have but a simple request: Join our crew once more! Forget about your little, ah, journey for revenge. No, you can't have revenge if you lack the funds to make it through the week! With your strength and my wits, we can, pil- ah, claim anything we wish!"

The samurai turned her head towards him, her face scrunched up in a scowl. "Like hell I would."

Valor's crew glared and took a few menacing steps before Valor held up his hand to stop them, though he was half-tempted to let them fight her. "Are you absolutely sure? We could take you anywhere, maybe gather enough forces for your cause and-"

Baiken stood from her seat, the crew cowering a little as she towered over them. "If you had any sense, you would have brought Xiulan with you."

"Wh-what?! That nobody? Some backwater girl with more muscle than  brains? Hah!" Valor snorted and spat at Baiken's feet. "She's barely even worthy to shine my shoes, nevermind captain a ship. We... aided her in an early retirement-"

STOMP. All eyes were on the group now as Baiken slammed one foot onto the floor and shook the ground. "Leave, if you know what's good for you. I'm giving you five seconds."

"B-boss, should we really try to convince her?" asked one of the crewmates as Baiken began her countdown.

Valor was barely listening, seeing red and pointing at the samurai. "You buffoon, don't you know what that means? She won't order you around!"

"Four."

"A-and I would pamper you like a queen-"

"Three."

"And all the riches you want!"

"Two."

"Why wouldn't you want to work under the great and mighty Lord-"

In the blink of an eye, he was truly seeing red as Baiken slammed her sword sheath into his face. He fell over like a bag of potatoes, his crew at his side to attempt to aid him. He opened his mouth to sputter something unintelligble, but the samurai was already out the door, heading out into city streets.

Valor coughed and gurgled out, "Ugh, that absolute wench...! What do I need to do to persuade her to join us?! Must I serve her Xiulan's head on a silver platter?" The crew stared at him, no one daring to interrupt him. "Gah, to think we'd have to go and find her body as proof that she is inferior! Finding it might take aeons! But no matter... Baiken WILL join us, no matter what it takes!"

"C-couldn't we, uh, find... someone else?" asked a crewmate as the gang helped Lord Valor up on his feet and took him outside. "Like, someone who would... or could... do everything we wanted?"

"Pah! I will have none other! I have witnessed Baiken's strength for myself! Even though she was simply RUDE to not even wait until ONE to strike me, her strikes are strong and true! All would respect us with her at our side! To think, even in death, Xiulan would continue to be a thorn at our side. I swear, once we find her...!"

They dared not tell him that it's been months since she jumped off the plank. They dared not to tell him that the body might have been claimed by the sea at this point, if not picked at by starving seagulls. All of them knew he would throw a fit and ignore reality, and rather than deal with Lord Valor's tantrum, they simply dragged him to the ship and nodded along like sycophants.

Somewhere, out there, Xiulan sneezed, looking up at the skies as if a bad omen was on her.

*COMING SOON: LORD VALOR SERVES A DEAD XIULAN HUMBLE PIE! MAYBE. COMING THIS MAY ON ZFRP!*

A Day in the Life of Fortuna Stellaris, Fortune Teller Surpreme

 "Mmmmmm! Aaaaaah~!"

Fortuna Stellaris waved her hands around, her crystal ball swirling with blue and purple fog. Sitting in front of it was none other than Hakra Glittercloud Blacksin, marveling not just at the theatrical handwaving Stellaris was doing, but the utter attention to detail when making the room look like they were in space. Stars shimmered, constellations forming all throughout as Stellaris continued what Hakra assumed to be a powerful divination spell, eyes sparkling as the 12 Zodiac Signs appeared before the witch, glowing brighter and brighter until the whole room was filled with light.

"At last, all becomes clear!"

With that bold proclamation, the lights settled, the fog lifting from within the crystal ball. Hakra leaned in close, watching as starry shapes formed within. Then, and only then, did Stellaris take a seat, smug as a bug.

Hakra leaned in further as she asked, "What do you see? Did you consult the stars for divination, or is your divination similar to maybe tea leaf divination, making sense of the shapes within the ball- OH! Before I forget, I really liked your zodiac spell circle! Will you teach me how to make one? I asked my teacher if she could, but she said that maybe it was a bit too flashy with not enough substance-"

As much as Stellaris wanted to bask in the praise - high praise, at that! - there was a job she needed to do. "We can speak of such things later, O Glittercloud! Wouldn't you want to know your fortune first? Of COURSE you do!" She tapped her nails onto orb, pondering it much like a wizard before she continued to speak. "Mhmhmhm, good tidings are headed your way! More friends, more knowledge, and maybe love is just hanging around the corner! Look at how close they are!" The star-figures within the orb looked vaguely like two girls holding hands before it shifts over to several taller figures cheerfully speaking to one of them. "And look, knowledge will fill your future in no time: it may take a liiiiittle bit, but keep pressing on, and you'll certainly be on par with a Sage!"

The fortune teller allowed herself to smile more as Hakra's eyes shimmered with excitement, all that praise probably getting to her head. "Really?! Do you know how much I'll learn? Or who I'd learn it from? And who likes me that much? Angellica does, but I don't know if she'd call us lovers yet- OH! Are you going to be one of the ones who fills my brain with knowledge?!?"

"E-erm..." Stellaris's eyes widened, unsure of how to respond. Usually, she praises and plays to everyone's ego, making them feel good enough to leave her a good tip. Hakra, on the other hand, was simply... pure in her intentions? Or maybe that enthusiasm was charming? Before she knew it, the fortune teller sputtered out, "Why, uhm, of COURSE! Why wouldn't I? After all, you have SUCH good taste, learning about various constellations and such! Maybe I could take you as my apprentice! Ohohohoho!" She brought a hand up to her  face and gave her best noblewoman's laugh while, on the inside, she screamed in an equal mix of excitement and terror. Yes, this could be her chance to shine brighter than Esme, taking a pupil and elevating her to her level! And a Kobber one, at that! Her name would be back in the papers, and that newt would be begging her to return! On the other hand, though, she'd actually have to teach, and only heaven knew how much was in this mage's noggin already. For all Stellaris knew, Hakra might have already learned all that she knew from some other person. She seemed like a smart cookie, and she's even going to the Magic Academy later.

It was at this point Stellaris realized that she painted herself into a corner, the mage leaping out of her seat with glee. "Really?! Do you have a specific time you can tutor me? I know a bit about Stellar Magic: I can summon Polaris and little dogs and a bear with a pan based on constellations. I just don't know the more intricate parts that make it more... stellar? More cool? I want to make it my way, but in order to do that, I have to learn other people's ways, too, and build upon that!"

Before the fortune teller said something she regret, she spotted something else forming in the crystal ball: a purple fog rolling in, taking a rectangular shape as several dark figures rose from the bottom. Her awkwardness shifted to concern as she peered through, a frown forming on her lips. 

"Oh dear, oh my, what have we here? A strange force, bringing people together, and not all for a good cause. You may have to face several of these people to find the truth, but it will be a difficult trial, if you go without aid!" She paused, sweating a bit as Hakra looked at her expectantly. "Wh-which means, well, you certainly lucked out, for I, the  Great Fortuna Stellaris, will aid you in defeating these people of ill-intent! My astrological powers and knowledge will surely help you in due time, but ah... Hmm..." Okay, how to get this girl out of here so she could think on how to get out of this? "MmmmmMMMMM! Mars' influence is making me, uh, rather rambunctious! And scatterbrained! I am so, so, so sorry, my dear Glittercloud, but the stars tell me I must rest and recouperate!"

"But you haven't told me when you could teach me!" the girl pleaded as Stellaris whisked her towards the door. "You could give me an estimate, or-"

"The stars will pay you a visit when I am ready! Now, go on! Have a pleasant day-"

"What should I expect wh-"

"A calling from the Heavens, Glittercloud! Now HAVE A DAY!" Stellaris said in her most shrill, yet customer-service-y voice she could before shoving Hakra out the door and closing it, hastily puting up each of the 7 latches and locks she had on there to assure that no one gets in. She let out a sigh and flopped onto the floor, staring at the ceiling with a blank look.

Esme will not know the glory of tutoring a Kobber. But by the same token, she would never know how draining that sort of thing could be. Was this a good thing or a bad thing? Stellaris couldn't tell, at least not yet. 

For now, she slunk back to the back, where her less-than-humble abode awaited, all coordinated in colors that bring the night sky to mind. Her heels clacked against hardwood floors, hair bouncing up and down as she went through several halls and doors. Each door was labeled in runic languages to indicate what they were for. Each shimmered and glowed, giving off a mystic aura... but one door at the very end of the hall was not. It was a plain white door, sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the elaborate interior design. Stellaris looked back, then looked towards her sides before she slowly approached the door and whispered something under her breath.

The door creaked open, and within its depths, awaited... the Room.

She didn't know of a good name for it. Nothing that sounded fancy or elegant, at least. Not when everything here looked like it was designed for kids. Who would ever take her seriously again if they knew she had toy trains to push around on tracks she changed every day, that she had a kid's artist easel to make stick figures with finger paint, that she prefered to be on the top bunk of a small bunk bed tucked in under a blanket with colorful dinosaurs on it? They'd laugh her off like a bad joke, ignore her, find her... childish. 

In spite of her fears of anyone finding out about it, this room remained over the years, outliving day-to-day, week-to-week trends. When she sat in a chair with a heart shape on the back at a tiny pink and white tea table with stuffed animals like Mrs.  Bunbuns and Catticus VII, all of her worries flew away, her shoulders relaxing as the tension left them. This was her safe place, where she could do all that she wanted, all the things her teachers and tutors told her wasn't befitting of someone of her status. It was a place where she could be what she thought was a normal kid, doing normal kid stuff instead of studying calculus and star charts for the umpteenth time.

A genuine smile formed on Stellaris's lips as she took a plastic teapot and pretended to pour hot tea into Bunbun's and Catticus's tea cups.

"Oh, you two won't BELIEVE what I've been through today! Soon, I'll be a tutor! Yes, an actual tutor and teacher! I need you two to help me come up with an abbacus- crap, you're right, Mrs. Bunbuns, it's a... a SYLLABUS, right? A syllabus for my new pupil, and maybe some mandatory reading! Yes, Catticus, it is going to be stressful, but if I can do this, then there's no way I won't be #1! Oho! Ohohohoho!"