Sunday, November 22, 2015

The Dreadful King

(Just some offseason thing I got way too hype about and decided "you know what, fuck it, let's put this on my blog". I will finish up Sammy's and Carlos's fun in the mall when I return from Rhode Island. So sometime around December 8th or 9th. In the meantime, enjoy!)

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“Halt, foul king! Face us in combat! Or are you too cowardly to face true heroes?”

 Yet again, a ragtag band of men, wearing chainmail and holding swords, axes, and spears in their hands, came to deal with him. Infiltrated the white, steely walls of his castle, annoyed his servants enough to point them in the right direction, and, judging from their swollen gold bags, looted some of the treasure rooms he explicitly asked his advisors to patrol better.  “You’ll just get the money back off their corpses!” they said. “Just splatter them against the walls!” they said.

Clearly, they didn’t remember how long it took to clean the gore off the walls and carpet, as well as the utter guilt that came even before he wrote condolences to that poor group’s families.

As the heroes pointed blades towards him, the king slowly stood up from his golden throne, light reflecting off of his shining, crimson armor. He adjusted his crown helmet, making sure his long horns actually fit through the holes on top. After a moment’s worth of stretching, the mighty king said, “Fifth time I’ve heard that this week alone. All of you heroes are starting to sound like a broken record, and it’s quite disappointing. But sure, I will humor your attempts, as I have for several heroes before you. I have to be fair, at least.”

 One man spat out, “Are you making a mockery of the Yules?! You have no clue how truly powerful we are, Dread Warlock Deathflame! We have trained for this VERY MOMENT, so we can end your reign of terror!”

“As have several others like you,” Deathflame replied with a bored look. “I am at least willing to see just how powerful you are as a group, but I will warn you… There is a very good reason I’m still here, and others are recovering from the injuries I inflicted upon them. So pardon me if I don’t have much faith in you, even if I wish you the best of luck.”

The men clenched their teeth and gripped their weapons tightly as they charged towards Deathflame, who made nary an effort to avoid them. They roared in unison, their weapons clashing against the king’s armor. Swords and axes left scratches where they left, but the king did not budge, nor did he flinch as a spear struck his face. They were mere pinpricks to him, hardly the horrible pain the heroes thought they would inflict upon him.

Deathflame sighed as he pulled the spear out of his face and tossed it aside, ducking underneath the longswords and greatswords and kicking an axe out of one Yule’s hand. It flew up and lodged itself deep in the ceiling, much to the astonishment of its wielder. Deathflame backed away as the Yules regrouped, whispering things to one another as the king dusted himself off.

 “And that is the result of your training?” Deathflame asked, a tinge of worry in his voice. “If so, it would take a week for me to feel remotely sore from your blows. Do you have any sort of magic at your disposal?”

The group shook their heads as one scrawny man yelled out, “Magic’s fer witches! Real warriors let their weapons do the talkin, instead of this fancy hocus-pocus!”

“Do kindly tell that to the one man long ago who used Spellswords against me and actually stood a chance. I’m sure he will have quite the speech prepared for you.” Deathflame let out another sigh as he placed a hand on his chin. “Okay. I am afraid to say this, but… as you are now, you may be better off with more training and a more open mind towards magic. Again, one week to even make me remotely sore. That, and your armor is woefully inadequate. Usually, the cream of the crop wears Mythril to withstand physical and magical forces better.”

They didn’t take the advice too well, judging from the Yules’ growling and gritted teeth. “Is that how you look upon us?!” a Yule snapped. “Thinking that we’re not good enough for you?!? We don’t need your advice, and we don’t need any fancy-shmancy stuff to defeat you!”

“The last time someone said that, they had their ribs broken from one of my punches.”

“Oh, quit bluffin' and just show us your power already!”

Deathflame groaned as the men steeled themselves for his blows. They thought he was bluffing? That’s no good. Nobody worth their salt would underestimate their opponent. He couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt as he conjured an ethereal greatsword and held it in his hands. With one swing and all the restraint he could muster, Deathflame unleashed a shockwave that blew the Yules off their feet and flying in several directions. Most left dents in the wall, while a few managed to tumble down a staircase or crash right into a crowd of servants. One glance told Deathflame all he needed to know: they were out cold, and they weren’t going to wake up anytime soon.

With yet another hollow victory under his belt, the so-called Dread Warlock Deathflame looked down at his hands as if he were ready to sob.

“They didn’t stand a chance.”


Deathflame was not impressed by the gaggle of advisors that visited him hours after that poor excuse of a battle, especially when they were all crowding him at once. At least the heroes were removed from the walls and sent to the nearest hospital with haste. The last thing he needed was to see his advisors making sure they never got up again… or worse, use them as their little pets to torture.

“Fantastic work on defeating those pathetic worms who defy your rule, Your Majesty!” one advisor, a stout, fluffy eagle, said with glee. He placed a talon on his king’s shoulder as he squawked, “Honestly, I don’t know why they bother trying to dethrone you!”

“Never mind that,” said a slimy, worm-like creature, an odd fluid dripping onto the King’s armor as he spoke in his ear. “Why do you keep sparing them?! What you should be doing is a public execution! Like quartering! I love quartering, you see, your father used to do that all the time-“

Another advisor chimed, “I don’t know; burning them alive is more fun! All those useless attempts to scream and put out the fires-“

Yet another huffed, “Please. Where I am from, we used traitors as… lab rats, let’s say. It had very interesting results, seeing those so-called heroes turn into something they despised.”

 More and more advisors talked about their favorite forms of torture, Deathflame clenching a fist and growling until he finally snapped, “ENOUGH!” The entire room fell silent as he cast a glare upon them all. “I will not sink to such lows for your amusement. Honestly, I hardly understand why you relish in the misery of men.”

“We hardly understand why you felt the need to send condolences to the families of some heroes you killed!” retorted the eagle, puffing up to three times his size. “Lord Terrorhate would cringe at the thought-“

“Much like I cringe at the fact that my father actually kept that title, then. And if you must ask, it was because they wouldn’t have a body to bury, due to my lack of restraint in the face of inexperienced heroes. Some death is necessary, like in war, but those deaths? No. Restrained blows alone would have sufficed.”

If the worm had any eyes to roll, all of them would be rolled to the back of his head. “Such softheartedness will bring about the end of our era of terror! The peasants NEED to be put in their place, and shown that their heroes are NOTHING! That no one could save them now, and the sooner they accept your rule, the less they will suffer!”

As the advisors chimed in and added their opinions on Deathflame’s rule, he looked away from them and grunted.

“Alright, I have two points to address. One: you say that as if the end of an era of terror is a bad thing. You merely wish to use it as an excuse to inflict misery upon the people and show complete and utter dominance. Last I checked, dominating the world does not require you to be a tyrant to do it right. Yes, I do a few things the people dislike… Some for the better, others arguably for the worse. But a ruler does not have to be liked; they have to be competent enough to maintain everything. And not bring the entire ire of their people by slaughtering them by the dozens for absolutely no good reason. “

The advisors looked at him, dumbfounded. “Okay, since that is apparently going over your heads,” Deathflame said, “let me put this into simpler terms: A ruler doesn’t have to be nice, but they also have to have enough sense not to kill people senselessly and make a spectacle of it!” As one advisor opened his mouth, Deathflame added with a growl, “Just because my father did things like that doesn’t mean I have to, before you even try to compare me to him! With how terrible he was at ruling and how many people he slaughtered just because of, ahem, ‘stress relief’, no wonder so many people have tried to take my head because of stuff HE did!”

Still ogling. He wasn’t sure if the message got through to these idiots, but he could try it again some other time. Deathflame took a deep breath and continued, “The second point I wanted to make… Why does everyone here insist on calling me Dread Warlock Deathflame?”

The eagle advisor squawked with a smile, “Because it makes you sound absolutely vicious, Your Majesty! And it’s what your father would have wanted!”

Face, meet palm. “Forget what my father wanted! I made that title up when I was twelve! TWELVE! It’s embarrassing that you thought it was good enough to use! Now, I just wish I be called by my true name: Etrohus! King Etrohus sounds much better than King Dread Warlock Deathflame.” After a moment’s thought, he added meekly, “I don’t even remember the last time I used actual warlock skills, never mind fire spells. It’s a misnomer now, more than anything.”

“I still think it fits!” the eagle said. “You know the spells! No, you know the spells of our entire world! You know all the skills, and are the strongest on the planet! You are invincible and all-powerful, Your Majesty, and the fact that you humble yourself amongst those who would slay you is absolutely disgusting! You mustn’t hold back against your opponents, especially not traitors!”

Etrohus took off his helmet and ran a gauntleted hand through his long, black hair before he slumped in his chair and rested his cheek on his hand. “Thank you for reminding me of a third point,” he said with a frown. “With all the power I’ve acquired through intensive training and learning through others… Fights are trivial now. Boring. Nobody stands a chance. It just annoys me to no end that the thrill and excitement and utter happiness I once got from fighting people on par with me, or even stronger than me, is gone. I am the strongest there is, and quite frankly, the excitement of being able to beat everyone I know wears off pretty quickly.” He sighed, sinking into the soft velvet of his seat with a sorrowful expression on his face. “I just want that joy again, that excitement of striving for something, the thrill of a challenging fight! I want to travel the world and experience it for everything its worth! I want… I want…”

The advisors gasped in unison as the last few words escaped their kings’ lips.

“I don’t wish to follow in my father’s footsteps and crush all in my wake, nor do I want to spend the rest of my life stuck in this castle, wanting for nothing. I want to feel as vulnerable as the people who face me every day, struggle like the lower class, and lead my own path instead of pretending that the way my family ruled and gained this throne was right.” 

Quiet. Murmurs amongst the advisors. Etrohus raised an eyebrow, although he knew the question that would rise.

“But WHY?!”

“Live like the lower class?! Are you crazy?!?”

“Vulnerable, when you have all the power at your disposal?!? When you are the supreme ruler of this world?!?”

Etrohus rolled his eyes before he slammed his fist down, startling the advisors into silence. “Yes, it would be a stupid idea by your standards,” he said. “There is nothing better than ruling over people and feeling on top of the world and so on and so on. But it seems, to me at least, that those unlike us… the lower, the middle class, even some of the knights, that they enjoy life fuller. They have something to strive for, and they make the most of every moment, while we waste all the moments we have throwing luxurious parties and-“ When it was clear that the advisors were still in disbelief and hardly listening, Etrohus groaned, “Why do I even bother explaining? I don’t even enjoy the villainous aspects of ruling! I simply want a fresh, new start!”

“BUT YOUR MAJESTY!” the advisors all yelled at once, Etrohus hurrying to cover his ears lest they bleed. One advisor said, “Couldn’t you just, you know, make the heroes stronger, if there’s a challenge you seek?”

Another added, “Or you could strive to conquer another planet! And get more riches!”

“Making heroes stronger just to satisfy my need for a challenge… I feel sick just thinking about it. Especially if they lose anyway. And I have no desire to conquer another planet or become richer. It’s better if I start over at level 1 again, so to speak.”

“Turn yourself into a child aga-“

Etrohus shot his advisor a glare. “Not that. I mean weaken myself to before I became the person I am now, lose all the knowledge of powerful spells… Start from scratch, you see. I’d retain most of my memories and basic knowledge, while those pertaining to my strength, both physical and magical, are… poof. Gone.” A smile crossed his face as he added, “And then, I’d set off for a different planet, after having some hero pretend to kill me and allowing a new rule to rise. I need to get out more anyway, learn so much more about the galaxy at hand… and I’ve been gaining in pounds since I took over, anyway.” The king pointed to his bulging gut. “I need exercise more than anything, and what better way to handle that than to explore an entirely new planet?”

He grinned now, in spite of the advisors’ worried looks. The worm spoke up and asked, “You would give up all of what your father toiled to attain through several hundreds of years just to satisfy your selfish desire for a challenge?! He slew countless heroes without mercy and actually got the Genie’s Lamp to make his wish for domination come true! You would throw away your father’s legacy just because you dislike what you are given?!?”

The king looked at his advisor with a stern look.

“I would, because he’s a liar and a fraud. I want nothing to do with a legacy that involved lying to your family about how and why you did the things you did and making them stain their hands for you.”

And with his advisors left in shock, he stood up and left for his bedroom to think of just how he could get what he wanted… and not have the kingdom collapse with his disappearance.

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