The BRILLIANCE of Lord Valor! (Subtitled: Recruiting the Undefeated Samurai of the East)

 He wished he wasn't here.

Lord Valor hated it. Hated the stench of alcohol in the air, hated the unrefined atmosphere, hated the drunkards singing off-tune to Happy Hour Kareoke. He'd rather be on his ship, dining on crab roe and truffles with a glass of Chardonnay instead of this peasant's dumping ground. It was unbecoming of him to even be here, in a place his ex-captain would visit during her off hours. To even be remotely associated with her made his skin crawl.

However much he hated it here in the Golden Blade Tavern, there was one thing of value here. A certain someone in the corner, sitting with a bottle of what he thought was some cheap Grab 'n Go quality booze. There was no mistaking her long, pink hair, the goggle over her left eye, and the missing arm on her right side. Valor grinned, looking back towards his crewmates following behind for just a moment before approaching the rugged woman.

"Ah, if it isn't Baiken, Undefeated Samurai of the East!" Lord Valor said, twirling his pencil-thin moustashe. "A pleasure to see you again after, ah, two years?"

Baiken didn't look back at him, throwing back her drink in one glug. "Cut the crap and spit it out: what do you want?"

"You wound me, to say such cold words when we haven't seen each other in so long!" Valor sighed and shook his head. "Come, now, I'll pay for your, ah-"

"I already paid."

"W-well, then why don't we chat, talk about the past like good friends-"

"You're nobody's friend."

A vein pulsed in Valor's forehead, though he kept it hidden with his purple pirate hat. "Alright, then. I have but a simple request: Join our crew once more! Forget about your little, ah, journey for revenge. No, you can't have revenge if you lack the funds to make it through the week! With your strength and my wits, we can, pil- ah, claim anything we wish!"

The samurai turned her head towards him, her face scrunched up in a scowl. "Like hell I would."

Valor's crew glared and took a few menacing steps before Valor held up his hand to stop them, though he was half-tempted to let them fight her. "Are you absolutely sure? We could take you anywhere, maybe gather enough forces for your cause and-"

Baiken stood from her seat, the crew cowering a little as she towered over them. "If you had any sense, you would have brought Xiulan with you."

"Wh-what?! That nobody? Some backwater girl with more muscle than  brains? Hah!" Valor snorted and spat at Baiken's feet. "She's barely even worthy to shine my shoes, nevermind captain a ship. We... aided her in an early retirement-"

STOMP. All eyes were on the group now as Baiken slammed one foot onto the floor and shook the ground. "Leave, if you know what's good for you. I'm giving you five seconds."

"B-boss, should we really try to convince her?" asked one of the crewmates as Baiken began her countdown.

Valor was barely listening, seeing red and pointing at the samurai. "You buffoon, don't you know what that means? She won't order you around!"

"Four."

"A-and I would pamper you like a queen-"

"Three."

"And all the riches you want!"

"Two."

"Why wouldn't you want to work under the great and mighty Lord-"

In the blink of an eye, he was truly seeing red as Baiken slammed her sword sheath into his face. He fell over like a bag of potatoes, his crew at his side to attempt to aid him. He opened his mouth to sputter something unintelligble, but the samurai was already out the door, heading out into city streets.

Valor coughed and gurgled out, "Ugh, that absolute wench...! What do I need to do to persuade her to join us?! Must I serve her Xiulan's head on a silver platter?" The crew stared at him, no one daring to interrupt him. "Gah, to think we'd have to go and find her body as proof that she is inferior! Finding it might take aeons! But no matter... Baiken WILL join us, no matter what it takes!"

"C-couldn't we, uh, find... someone else?" asked a crewmate as the gang helped Lord Valor up on his feet and took him outside. "Like, someone who would... or could... do everything we wanted?"

"Pah! I will have none other! I have witnessed Baiken's strength for myself! Even though she was simply RUDE to not even wait until ONE to strike me, her strikes are strong and true! All would respect us with her at our side! To think, even in death, Xiulan would continue to be a thorn at our side. I swear, once we find her...!"

They dared not tell him that it's been months since she jumped off the plank. They dared not to tell him that the body might have been claimed by the sea at this point, if not picked at by starving seagulls. All of them knew he would throw a fit and ignore reality, and rather than deal with Lord Valor's tantrum, they simply dragged him to the ship and nodded along like sycophants.

Somewhere, out there, Xiulan sneezed, looking up at the skies as if a bad omen was on her.

*COMING SOON: LORD VALOR SERVES A DEAD XIULAN HUMBLE PIE! MAYBE. COMING THIS MAY ON ZFRP!*

A Day in the Life of Fortuna Stellaris, Fortune Teller Surpreme

 "Mmmmmm! Aaaaaah~!"

Fortuna Stellaris waved her hands around, her crystal ball swirling with blue and purple fog. Sitting in front of it was none other than Hakra Glittercloud Blacksin, marveling not just at the theatrical handwaving Stellaris was doing, but the utter attention to detail when making the room look like they were in space. Stars shimmered, constellations forming all throughout as Stellaris continued what Hakra assumed to be a powerful divination spell, eyes sparkling as the 12 Zodiac Signs appeared before the witch, glowing brighter and brighter until the whole room was filled with light.

"At last, all becomes clear!"

With that bold proclamation, the lights settled, the fog lifting from within the crystal ball. Hakra leaned in close, watching as starry shapes formed within. Then, and only then, did Stellaris take a seat, smug as a bug.

Hakra leaned in further as she asked, "What do you see? Did you consult the stars for divination, or is your divination similar to maybe tea leaf divination, making sense of the shapes within the ball- OH! Before I forget, I really liked your zodiac spell circle! Will you teach me how to make one? I asked my teacher if she could, but she said that maybe it was a bit too flashy with not enough substance-"

As much as Stellaris wanted to bask in the praise - high praise, at that! - there was a job she needed to do. "We can speak of such things later, O Glittercloud! Wouldn't you want to know your fortune first? Of COURSE you do!" She tapped her nails onto orb, pondering it much like a wizard before she continued to speak. "Mhmhmhm, good tidings are headed your way! More friends, more knowledge, and maybe love is just hanging around the corner! Look at how close they are!" The star-figures within the orb looked vaguely like two girls holding hands before it shifts over to several taller figures cheerfully speaking to one of them. "And look, knowledge will fill your future in no time: it may take a liiiiittle bit, but keep pressing on, and you'll certainly be on par with a Sage!"

The fortune teller allowed herself to smile more as Hakra's eyes shimmered with excitement, all that praise probably getting to her head. "Really?! Do you know how much I'll learn? Or who I'd learn it from? And who likes me that much? Angellica does, but I don't know if she'd call us lovers yet- OH! Are you going to be one of the ones who fills my brain with knowledge?!?"

"E-erm..." Stellaris's eyes widened, unsure of how to respond. Usually, she praises and plays to everyone's ego, making them feel good enough to leave her a good tip. Hakra, on the other hand, was simply... pure in her intentions? Or maybe that enthusiasm was charming? Before she knew it, the fortune teller sputtered out, "Why, uhm, of COURSE! Why wouldn't I? After all, you have SUCH good taste, learning about various constellations and such! Maybe I could take you as my apprentice! Ohohohoho!" She brought a hand up to her  face and gave her best noblewoman's laugh while, on the inside, she screamed in an equal mix of excitement and terror. Yes, this could be her chance to shine brighter than Esme, taking a pupil and elevating her to her level! And a Kobber one, at that! Her name would be back in the papers, and that newt would be begging her to return! On the other hand, though, she'd actually have to teach, and only heaven knew how much was in this mage's noggin already. For all Stellaris knew, Hakra might have already learned all that she knew from some other person. She seemed like a smart cookie, and she's even going to the Magic Academy later.

It was at this point Stellaris realized that she painted herself into a corner, the mage leaping out of her seat with glee. "Really?! Do you have a specific time you can tutor me? I know a bit about Stellar Magic: I can summon Polaris and little dogs and a bear with a pan based on constellations. I just don't know the more intricate parts that make it more... stellar? More cool? I want to make it my way, but in order to do that, I have to learn other people's ways, too, and build upon that!"

Before the fortune teller said something she regret, she spotted something else forming in the crystal ball: a purple fog rolling in, taking a rectangular shape as several dark figures rose from the bottom. Her awkwardness shifted to concern as she peered through, a frown forming on her lips. 

"Oh dear, oh my, what have we here? A strange force, bringing people together, and not all for a good cause. You may have to face several of these people to find the truth, but it will be a difficult trial, if you go without aid!" She paused, sweating a bit as Hakra looked at her expectantly. "Wh-which means, well, you certainly lucked out, for I, the  Great Fortuna Stellaris, will aid you in defeating these people of ill-intent! My astrological powers and knowledge will surely help you in due time, but ah... Hmm..." Okay, how to get this girl out of here so she could think on how to get out of this? "MmmmmMMMMM! Mars' influence is making me, uh, rather rambunctious! And scatterbrained! I am so, so, so sorry, my dear Glittercloud, but the stars tell me I must rest and recouperate!"

"But you haven't told me when you could teach me!" the girl pleaded as Stellaris whisked her towards the door. "You could give me an estimate, or-"

"The stars will pay you a visit when I am ready! Now, go on! Have a pleasant day-"

"What should I expect wh-"

"A calling from the Heavens, Glittercloud! Now HAVE A DAY!" Stellaris said in her most shrill, yet customer-service-y voice she could before shoving Hakra out the door and closing it, hastily puting up each of the 7 latches and locks she had on there to assure that no one gets in. She let out a sigh and flopped onto the floor, staring at the ceiling with a blank look.

Esme will not know the glory of tutoring a Kobber. But by the same token, she would never know how draining that sort of thing could be. Was this a good thing or a bad thing? Stellaris couldn't tell, at least not yet. 

For now, she slunk back to the back, where her less-than-humble abode awaited, all coordinated in colors that bring the night sky to mind. Her heels clacked against hardwood floors, hair bouncing up and down as she went through several halls and doors. Each door was labeled in runic languages to indicate what they were for. Each shimmered and glowed, giving off a mystic aura... but one door at the very end of the hall was not. It was a plain white door, sticking out like a sore thumb amongst the elaborate interior design. Stellaris looked back, then looked towards her sides before she slowly approached the door and whispered something under her breath.

The door creaked open, and within its depths, awaited... the Room.

She didn't know of a good name for it. Nothing that sounded fancy or elegant, at least. Not when everything here looked like it was designed for kids. Who would ever take her seriously again if they knew she had toy trains to push around on tracks she changed every day, that she had a kid's artist easel to make stick figures with finger paint, that she prefered to be on the top bunk of a small bunk bed tucked in under a blanket with colorful dinosaurs on it? They'd laugh her off like a bad joke, ignore her, find her... childish. 

In spite of her fears of anyone finding out about it, this room remained over the years, outliving day-to-day, week-to-week trends. When she sat in a chair with a heart shape on the back at a tiny pink and white tea table with stuffed animals like Mrs.  Bunbuns and Catticus VII, all of her worries flew away, her shoulders relaxing as the tension left them. This was her safe place, where she could do all that she wanted, all the things her teachers and tutors told her wasn't befitting of someone of her status. It was a place where she could be what she thought was a normal kid, doing normal kid stuff instead of studying calculus and star charts for the umpteenth time.

A genuine smile formed on Stellaris's lips as she took a plastic teapot and pretended to pour hot tea into Bunbun's and Catticus's tea cups.

"Oh, you two won't BELIEVE what I've been through today! Soon, I'll be a tutor! Yes, an actual tutor and teacher! I need you two to help me come up with an abbacus- crap, you're right, Mrs. Bunbuns, it's a... a SYLLABUS, right? A syllabus for my new pupil, and maybe some mandatory reading! Yes, Catticus, it is going to be stressful, but if I can do this, then there's no way I won't be #1! Oho! Ohohohoho!"

A Rival Outshining the Stars

 Fortuna Stellaris crumpled newspapers in her hands, her teeth grinding against each other hard enough to give her a headache. She knocked her tarot deck and crystal ball onto the ground in a fit and stomped her feet as if she was capable of causing earthquakes with each step.

"Damn that Esmerelda!" she swore, her long, midnight blue nails digging deep into flesh as she balled her hand up into a fist. "Damn her, damn her, DAMN HER!" Her fist slammed onto her table, her astrology books joining the crystal ball and deck on the floor. She grabbed another newspaper, tossing away the front page and classified, digging until she found the inevitable astrology and advice column. There was no astrology readings, however; they were instead various color fortunes for each birth month, as well as how to interpret certain colors. 

Ripping the paper into shreds, she yelled, "ARGH!!! DAMN HER! How DARE she take away MY spot! How can some nobody like her suddenly gain that dumb newt's attention! His brain must be full of tissue paper and peanuts for him to suddenly oust me from my rightful spot! Or maybe she cast a spell on him, hypnotized him to make her do her bidding!" All the while, Stellaris's hands talked along with her, making big, sweeping motions before wiggling her fingers with scowl. "She's no one! She's irrelevant! Color fortunes? Ha! Why would anyone care for her when they have a superstar such as myself?"

Fortuna Stellaris stomped over to the curtains in the back and opened it up, revealing various pictures of herself in mystical clothing, starring in Mona Lisa paintings in her image, The Girl with the Pearl Earring, and even The Birth of Adam, her finger reaching out for God's. "Ah, look at me!" she cooed as her hands trailed down the painting, feeling every paint stroke. "All this magnificince, ready to deliver their fortunes of a lifetime! Beautiful, intelligent, and wise... What else could they look for? Why bother even going to Katrina's dingy tent when I provide all she does and more?"

"In fact," she said as she puffed up her cheeks in indignation. "What does she have that I don't?! Her hair's the color of snot! Her outfit has no coordination, no sense of style! And... and...!" Her brain faltered, slowed to a crawl in order to find the perfect insult. "Uh, she... is too skinny! She'd break the moment a man touches her, she's that willowy!"

Her thoughts trailed off, consumed with thoughts of Esmerelda dressed up in all the fancy, luxurious clothes she wanted, fitting in perfectly as she strolled down the catwalk. Stellaris's cheeks burned with anger with each and every scenario that flooded her mind. It became too much, her anger bursting forth as she flipped over her entire table with rage.

"I'll have to scout her out and get some dirty details on her life," the fortune teller said as she walked over to the front door and grabbed a pair of shades and a hat that rivaled Marisa's in size and starriness. "Something to ruin her reputation, to mock her for, to embarass her in front of everyone! I will not stand for some random girl from the slums to take my spot, no! I'll find something, even if it's the last thing I do!"

And with her vibrantly blue hair flowing behind her, she went through the door to the outside world and slammed it so hard, one would worry about the hinges.

-----------------------------------

Stellaris slithered like a snake, trailing the green-haired fortune teller's every move. Seeing Esme even pop out from her dingy store filled her with rage, especially as passers by dared to say hello to her like an old friend. 

"Ah, Esme!" said one such person, walking up to her with a warm smile. "How are things? Your store's been getting all the rave!"

Esme blushed and waved it off as she replied, "Oh, it's really not that much. Things are well enough, enough to be comfortable. And how is your wife?"

"Doing much better after your consultation, I'd say! Bursting with energy and tryin' to find whatever crafts she can get her hands on, just explorin' hobbies!" They sighed with happiness and looked Esme in the eyes. "Thank you so much, by the way. I couldn't stand to see her so gloomy and shut in, especially after her business-"

"I did not do the hard work, my friend," Esme interrupted, waggling a gloved finger. "I merely provided advice based on her fortune. She was the one who put in the work to improve herself, not I."

Stellaris leaned in, narrowing her eyes and trying to hear any more of that conversation when a cart passed her by, the loud clacka-clack-clack of Sumalee's mule and the sound of wheels on pavement obscuring what secrets she could divine from eavesdropping. She glared at the pixie for her bad timing, then turned back to where Esme was supposed to be.

Unfortunately for her, Esme had moseyed farther down the road. "Urgh, and I have to follow her in these heels!" Stellaris said as she tried to keep up. Sneakily. Like a Sneak King.

Next was the Grand Agaman Market, Stellaris' thoughts swirling with insults as Esme perused the various shops. Seven Winds Cafe? Pah, their coffee tasted like burnt beans, probably. Saturn and Ravio's Rentals? Ugh, what good was a Sand Rod, anyway? Carrie's Curiosities? T-that antique typewrighter was... a-ancient. Why'd she need one, anyway? Why was she giggling when she sat somewhere with it and just pressed random keys? So, SO weird. Not weird enough to really throw into the gossip magazines, though. 

The next stop, though? Oooh, it could be filled with juicy gossip. Everyone loves to rip on someone's fashion! And here, in Fabulous Fashionistas, Stellaris could silently judge to her heart's content. What ugly robe was Esmerelda going to clothe herself in? Probably that hideous green dress, or that gaudy set of bangles? Oh, and those awful-looking rainbow shirts! Who would wear such a thing? Stellaris leaned in, watching Esme look through racks of clothes, ready to judge.

Much to her disappointment, a retro-80s shirt and sweatpants, while not to Stellaris's taste, was not something worth crowing over. They were ugly, but it was... normal. "I was so SURE she would go for the ugly rainbow one! Isn't that her whole thing? Ugh, whatever, time to-"

Her eyes widened as from the reflection in the glass, she saw the Queen of Rainbows herself. She was minding her own business, but Stellaris sweat buckets in fear of Chimata hearing such blasphemy and throwing her out into the market's dumpster for her crimes. As Esme left for her next destination, Stellaris skittered away before she was met with an unfortunate fate.

Fine. Clearly, Esme would at least have some disgustingly rich food, no? Or some monstrosity of a dessert that would make a fashion model cry. Maybe she even boldly eats those poisonous pufferfish like it's nothing, blech. Stellaris rubbed her hands together and stared as Esme walked over to a colorful food truck.

Ah, yes! It's that elf's food truck, wasn't it? Excellent! Each and every meal there might as well be a calorie bomb. Decadent waffles with whipped cream and chocolate? Cinnamon Swirl Pancakes with cream cheese frosting? Even a simple hot dog would probably clog her arteries! Stellaris could see herself, decrying such acts of gluttony in front of a crowd, embarassing the fortune teller enough to send her packing. Oh, a glorious vision indeed!

Stellaris grinned from ear to ear and watched as Esme put in her order, ready to make her absolute final, devastating judgement...

She blanched as Esme sat at a table nearby with a humble grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Watched as the witch put her hands together in prayer, tears streaming down her eyes, and ate them as if it was her final meal on earth. All that money in the witch's pocket, and she spent it on a grilled cheese.

"Who cries over a grilled cheese, anyway?" Stellaris said to herself, her voice trembling. "That's just ridiculous! It's a cheese sandwich! She could make that at home if she truly dared. It's not like the elf's cooking is god's handiwork!"

As she pouted over the lack of juicy gossip, she overheard the crowd from somewhere nearby. Stellaris turned around and saw a man running through the streets with a bag slung over his shoulder, arrows flying from behind him as an officer shouted, "GET BACK HERE, THIEF!"

Fortuna Stellaris gasped as she glowed with astrological might, or at least with a bunch of glittery stars. If she couldn't find dirt on Esme, then she'll just have to impress with her mighty power!

"Halt, foul demon! You will not esca-" 

Even as lights tried to bind him, he slipped away, knocking over the table Esme was sitting out in the chaos. Her soup spilled over the ground, bowl breaking into shards. For a moment, Stellaris felt bad for her. She was still enjoying that, right? What a waste of food! But she could not let herself get distracted, using light as a whip to carry her away and after the thief.

That thief had legs, she'd give him that. But it was only a matter of time before he would fall, summoning dastardly Gemini twins and angry Leo Lions after him. He ducked into an alleyway, Stellaris skidding to a halt before she tripped over her heels and splatted onto the ground. The twins helped her back on her feet, and she glared as the thief blew a raspberry, running to the other side... And slamming into a massive red octogon sign, big enough to block the entire other side of the alley.

"T-take THAT!" Stellaris said with a laugh. "Surely, you didn't think I was out of tricks, did you?"

Then, she saw her: Esmerelda, walking up into the alleyway towards the thief. Her voice was low, dark, ominous as she said, "You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you." There was no question in her words, stated as bluntly as saying that the sky was blue. As the witch approached him, the thief clawed at the sign before he turned around, drawing a knife from his pocket. Esmerelda kept walking, and snapped her fingers. Stellaris watched as the knife turned a molten red-orange, the metal warping and melting as if it was scrap metal. 

Esmerelda ignored the thief's screams as she approached. "You have one chance: leave your ill-gotten goods with me and turn yourself in. It would be a much kinder fate than what will happen if you resist."

Fear overtook the man's mind as he lashed out and tried to punch Esmerelda in the face. Paint formed around her fingers and swirled in front of her, his fist meeting another red octogon that blocked his blow.

"Your fate is sealed, then."

With another snap, Stellaris watched in terror as white paint shot out like spider silk and wrapped the thief in a sticky white web. She grabbed the bag of goods, the thief restrained to the point where he could barely move. As the officers arrived, she tossed the bag at them and rolled the thief over to them with her foot. The two fortune tellers watched as the police saluted and whisked the thief away: one with shock, the other with gloom.

"Now I have to get another soup," was not what Stellaris was expecting Esme to say. "He made me waste food... And he broke a bowl. A bowl Dia spent money on... a nice looking bowl, too. A criminal to his very core."

Stellaris saw a tear fall onto the pavement as the color witch took her leave, walking straight back to the food truck and geting another bowl of soup, picking up the table and making a napkin out of white paint to clean up the mess. Was... was crying over soup considered gossip? No, not only was it lame, it was relatable. It didn't make Stellaris hate her competitor any less, but she could sympathize with her at least. 

With that massive failure under her belt for undermining the competition, Stellaris huffed and walked off to her shop, trying to devise a plan of attack to gain the upper hand on her eternal rival. One day, she'll take her spot back, and become the star of the show again. One day.