Sunday, November 3, 2019

Special Deliveries

Ding!

"Order up!"

The diner was bustling with activity: families chatting as they dig into big meals, friends laughing and telling stories over a strong cup of coffee, and the string of bells ringing as plates of food slide up, ready to be served. It smelled strongly of beef all around, with hamburgers and steaks and pot roasts delivered at several tables.

It only got beefier, however, as  a huge burger was slapped down into the biggest container that could handle such a thing and stuffed in a bag. The waitress struggled to carry this over to the To-Go section, where a girl with light-up skates and an equally dazzling set of headphones bobbed her head to tunes. Honestly, the waitress wasn't sure what the girl was going to do with it. Could a burg even fit in her body?

"Order up for..." the waitress started as she squinted at the name. "Troy?"

The girl snapped her head up and grabbed the bag with an ease that terrified the waitress. Not that she'd show such terror. A smile spread on the girl's face as she says, "Yep, that's for me! Thanks bunches~!"

"Make sure ya leave a tip," the waitress calls out as the girl zooms out, checking her phone and pressing a button to reveal her to-do list.

"Aaaand... Boop!" A tap, and 'Big Daddy Burger' was marked off this list. "Now we gotta get-" she blanched a little bit as she saw just how many Dr. Peppers were on her list. "...He's really making me do this," she grumbles as she pulls out her Sifter. "Well, he already paid, might as well go grab it real quick!"

There was an insanely loud VROP that startled some customers as the girl activated the sifter and went on her merry way.

----------------------

The cashier gave the girl a very unimpressed look.

"...That's everything, is it?" he asked, deadpan, much like most cashiers still working in the middle of the night.

The girl smiled apologetically at him as she replied, "I'd get more, but only because it's part of an order."

"...Someone ordered this." He looked down at the shopping cart. "2-liter Dr. Peppers."

"Yuh huh."

"Twelve of them."

Another nod from the girl. "Yep. Think I'm gonna need to borrow the shopping cart just to bring it to him!"

The cashier gets the handheld scanner and works on this as he comments, "Hope he pays you back with a spot in his will, because his heart's going  to explode from all of this. Hell, I'd be surprised if he survived without getting diabetes."

"I'm pretty sure he's actually just an eldrich being fueled only by Dr. Pepper, actually," the girl replies with a small smirk. "He'll only stay benevolent as long as the elixir stays in his blood."

"One helluva customer you've got, then."

The cashier finishes scanning things up and gives a price, the gal quickly grabbing her card to swipe and taking off with the cart at breakneck speeds. She glides across the road for a bit, enjoying the thrill, the night breeze, before realizing that maybe that's not the greatest idea to do with twelve Dr. Peppers in her cart. She marks off another thing on her checklist before her eyes widened.

"Oh, that's it!"

She looks down at the cart with a frown.

"...I think I'd kill him if he added anything more," she mutters under her breath, digging out her sifter from her pocket, fidgeting with it as she sets the coordinates. "I'm already about to set off store alarms because I'm borrowing a cart. Who does he think I am, Godzilla?"

As she was grousing, she hardly noticed the figure creeping behind her in the cover of night. Slowly, surely sneaking up on her, until they were quick to get the jump on her and put a knife to her neck.

"Nice toy ya got there, kid," she heard the figure say before she saw his eyes looking down at her sifter. "Hand it over, or-"

A large yelp echoed through the night as she blatantly headbutted him, whirling around and activating the rockets on her skates to put more OOMPH in her kick. Her assailant skid across the ground but was back on her tail, persistent enough that she couldn't focus on teleporting herself AND the cart away to her destination. So she needed to make this fight quick, fast enough that the burg didn't get cold and her client didn't get mad that his order was late.

"You're going to regret that!" he shouts before she waggles a finger  and launches a glob of hot, molten cheese. If it weren't for the ski mask he was wearing, his whole face would be dealing with second and third degree burns. Maybe that would have been better than his eyes getting the brunt of it. He dropped his knife, screaming in pain, clutching at his face as the girl zoomed in and grabbed his weapon and put it in her pocket. She turns off the rocket power and quickly sets up her sifter, grabbing the cart just as the assailant finally managed to open their eyes and get up in a rage.

"Bye, bitch!" was the last words he heard as she VROPPED out of existence.

if only she could see the look on his face.

----------------------

VROP

"Iiiii'm heeeeeeeeeeeere~" the girl says, her cheer dying in her throat as she found the room empty. It was lit up, showing her client's rig and the mini fridge she wasn't sure was capable of holding twelve entire 2-liters of anything. She broke into a sweat, peering through corners and pushing open doors she didn't feel comfortable opening otherwise.

"Hellooooooooooooooo...?" she said as she opened the door to the bathroom before slowly closing it.

"Trooooy, where aaare youuu?" she asks again as she opens up a closet full of Planeswarden uniforms and hideous looking shirts she thought should burn in a fire.

Exasperated, she opened the last and final door and shouted, "Hey, buttface, I brought the foo-"

This room was full of bolts and gears, floor absolutely littered with robot parts as Phreak tweaked away at a sifter right beside his bed, carefully removing parts with as much dexterity as he could with rubber gloves. The delivery girl coughed awkwardly, but Phreak didn't even turn his head towards her, too absorbed in his work to answer.

"Guess I'll just take these Dr. Pepper's back-"

That got his attention. "Geez, Mel, can't you wait two seconds?!" he shouts as he finally puts the sifter down, glaring at her. "I'm trying not to teleport my hand into The Bleed and watch it come back as some eldrich being stuck to me like a puppet!"

"No, because then your burg's gonna get cold and hard as a rock because SOMEONE didn't invest in a microwave!" Mel snapped back. "The sifter can wait, can't it?"

That nervous glance from the sifter back to her was not a good sign. Neither was him saying, "Well, I got a job from Outside, so I need to fix this sooner rather than later. And make sure it works, to boot."

Mel's eyes widened before she took a deep breath, carefully deactivated her skates so they could be normal sneakers, and navigated through the mess to set Phreak's burger beside him. "Well, you won't be any good on an empty stomach, Troy, so at least take a break! Your Dr. Peppers are in the main room, though..." She narrowed her eyes into a glare. "Why twelve?"

Troy looked at her as if the answer was obvious. "Because I don't know if this dimension even has Dr. Pepper, and I'm not taking any risks!"

Her glare intensified. "I had to steal a shopping cart to get them all in here."

"...M-maybe I overdid it a little," Troy admits, wilting under such a look as he opened up and revealed his big ol burger meal. "...Definitely overdid it," he repeated as he slowly lifted up his mask enough to reveal his mouth. Mel flinched at the sight of scar tissue around it, gnarled as it was, looking away as he took a big bite of his burg.

Mel sighed before taking a seat on the bed, glancing over at the sifter as she asked, "Outside asked for help, huh? That's new. What's the occasion?"

"Ladeca."

She felt her whole stomach sink like a rock at the mere mention of the name. Visions of friends, forms twisted to the point of nigh recognition, their memories warped and weaponized, raining hell upon this dimension's Planeswardens flooded her mind.

"D-did they find her or something? D-did she attack them, too?" Mel asked, clutching at her skirt tightly, breaking into a cold sweat. "Don't tell me they were lost, too-"

Troy held up a hand to stop her panic as he responded, "No." After swallowing down another bite of burg, he continued, "I got into contact with one of their Councilmembers to get more details after he contacted me. Ladeca's been influencing their dimension more subtly from what they could tell, though her followers were being more blatant in one part of it. After dealing with some dimensional sheenanigans, they managed to kill one of her followers and locate the dimension she's probably lurking in."

Mel's eyes widened again before she got in Troy's face and asked, "Are they going to storm the place? Go all gung-ho? Avenge the fallen like they're superher-"

He flinched and pushed Mel away with a free hand, a frown forming on his face. "They know as well as we do that trying to storm it without a plan in mind would be a disaster. She's a powerful sorceress who manipulated many of our own friends to turn against each other. She's got a following and has ruled for long enough that there might not be many people open to rebel against her, since she might be doing them a favor. Either that or they're too scared to speak up." He paused a moment, putting his burger away for the moment before putting his mask down, a serious look peering through the goggles. "He also mentioned that they're going through an upheaval after their founder was killed and the right hand man went crazy and killed several of his own friends for some stupid ideal. They might have more people in general and more resources, but they know that if they just go in there willy nilly, they're going to have a bad time."

After a moment of awkward silence, Mel sat back on the bed and crossed her legs, slumping a little. "So then, why you? Why now? They could have waited until they were ready to investigate, couldn't they?"

"Probably, but they probably have more problems than just her, from the sound of it. Something that needs some more researching so they can figure out a game plan." Phreak turned his attention back to the sifter and tweaking, tweaking, tweaking. "They said they want me to help the Earth Sect, too, so something tells me they're in a pretty bad situation. Either that or a niche needs filling that nobody else is filling."

The silence lingered longer, the delivery girl content to watch her friend and teammate keep working. Thoughts were lurking in her head, wondering what that particular Outside dimension was like, if they were really in as bad shape as Troy said, if they really had found out where their greatest enemy might be lurking. A mix of worry, anger, and excitement bubbled under the surface, Mel fidgeting more and more with her fingers and eventually grabbing a pillow to squeeze to try to get that energy out.

Then, all of a sudden, she shouted, "Then we should both go! Two's better than one, and I'm sure everyone would appreciate some speeedy delivery, eeeeh~? And more missions, more money! We could then get you an actual kitchen in here! And you can get out of here and actually do things and wecanactuallybeawesomeand-"

She stopped herself, her energy deflating as quickly as it came as she added, "Or maybe I'll be useless-"

Troy stopped his work, stared Mel right in the eyes, and said sternly, "Don't start putting yourself down before I even get a chance to say something, Mel." After taking a deep breath, he continued more cheerfully, "You're right, you WOULD be a good addition and moral support! Hell, you can even put those powers to good use! When was the last time you even faught something, anyway?"

"A few minutes ago. I threw hot fondue in some asshole's eyes."

He blinked, and he quickly corrected, "When was the last time you faught the typical Planeswarden enemy?"

A timid look formed on Mel's face as she pressed her fingers together and thought. "It's been years, I think."

"Exactly!" Troy beamed with joy, which caught Mel a bit off guard. "It'll be practice for both of us, and they'll give us pleeeenty to do. With me as mission control and you kicking ass, we'll be the solution the Outside needs~! So I'll hit up the councilman again and see if he could use a few extra hands. You, Rita, maybe Sparklehands-"

"What about Miss Bearington?"

Mel wished she could see the wicked grin underneath the mask. "Ooooh, you are an absolute genius! Miss Bearington is a MUST. Mr. Kitty is also a must, because he's a goddamn cat! Who DOESN'T want a cat? We'll just have to see!" A bit more fiddling and calibrating later, and Troy triumphantly shows Mel the repaired sifter. "Alrighty, I think I fixed it! Mind testing it out for me?"

"Couldn't you test it?" was the question she was going to ask, right before she promptly remembered the last time he sifted. Just one planet over to meet some of the gang for lunch, and he was trembling, mask off, hurling his lunch and then some for what felt like a half hour. So instead, she asked, "Am I allowed to kick your ass if I get the Cthulhu puppet on my hand instead?"

"You are allowed to rip me one new asshole, though I'd prefer if you didn't!"

Mel grinned, taking the sifter in her hands. "I'll do you a favor and rip out two-"

"Just the one, please," Troy pleads as Mel laughed, adjusting the coordinates to someplace simple. Like to the Custard Cat Dimension.

VROP.

VRIP. It was hardly a minute when Mel returned with a Custard Cat  trying to bite her shoulder. She doesn't look too fazed, though, tossing the sifter back to Phreak as she says, "Works like a charm! Got a hanger on, but he didn't turn into a godbeast so I think that's a win!"

"Woo, still got it!" he cheered. "Well, it's ready for when Outside calls aga-"

Bad timing. He found his iPad vibrating on his nightstand, Troy nearly tripping over himself to get to it. A bombardment of text messages from Aurelis showed up, and as he read them... Well, given from that shocked look he had on his face, it didn't take much for Mel to figure out whatever news he got, it's not good.

"They need my help with an incident already?!?" Troy shouted, breaking into a nervous sweat that rolled down his neck. "I just barely talked to them and they're begging for me!"

Mel nearly snorted as Troy continued to trip over himself, gathering his army of ladybug bots and his beloved TENTOMUSHI in a panic. "Hey, that just shows they trust you! Go and give 'em a good first impression, wontcha?"

"MY FIRST IMPRESSION IS GOING TO BE ME BARFING INTO A BUCKET, MELISSA!"

"I meant everything that comes after that, you dumbass," Mel countered as he adjusted the coordinates and slapped the sifter onto himself once he had his armful of bug bots. "I'll watch over your 12 million Dr. Poppos while you go sway the others." She also sees the burger and stacks that on top of the bugs as she adds, "Make sure to warm that up once you're done, too! Have a good trip~"

Troy looked at her like a kitten forced to accept that bathtimes were always going to be a horrible, awful thing they'd have to deal with.

"I won't," was his only answer before he VROPPED to his destination.

Silence reigned again, Melissa taking time to talk out to the main room and bask in the light. She fidgeted a little, concerned that maybe she wouldn't be able to help. God, she wanted to help now, but she didn't know where he was going. She couldn't go out and make more deliveries to distract herself and earn more money, given that Troy told her about the recent invasion. She couldn't risk losing his trust by ditching his home and letting it possibly get under some asshole's control. All she could really do is wait...

...Well, he wouldn't mind if she used his rig and watched Netflix. Surely he'd be back with answers after an entire season of Aqualiss vs Nightmare Bottling Company.... riiiight?

...After she guesses his password right. God damn it.

Saturday, October 26, 2019

Freak

Clack, clack, clack.

Keyboard typing noises filled the room, the only light illuminating it was from the monitor against the wall. Images of happy, normal people flashed by in an instant, swiftly replaced by pictures of desolate wastelands and polluted waters. Words upon words upon words sped by, no single page lingering for longer than a few seconds.

All this information  was reflected in the gas mask's eye, a heavy sigh breaking the monotony of keys being pressed.

"All this, and I'm no closer to an answer," said the man as he crossed his legs across his chair. slumping forward as he glared at the screen with one good eye. "Just a bunch of pictures of the aftermath. No solutions, nothing. Again."

He stood up, walking through the darkness, navigating it as easily as a raccoon as he opened a small fridge. A look of disgust crept on his  obscured face: hardly a can of Dr. Pepper was in sight, lost in a sea of protein drinks and meal replacements. He reached for it and popped it open,  moving his mask slightly upward as he drunk deeply of the elixir that sustained him for so long.

Before he could take a seat back at his computer, alarms blared, two monitors turning on to reveal camera footage. His eye widened a bit as the computer stated, "Intruder Alert," in a loud monotone. It was hard to believe, but as he watched several men bundled up from head to toe avoiding the many traps inherent in his little hideout, he knew this little gaggle of goons were serious. Or at least, they were competent enough that he didn't have to come up there and scrape their squashed remains off the floor from the pulverising machinery, or deal with the smell of burnt flesh permeating the air.

He did, however, have to deal with said goons busting open his door, the whole room illuminated by the factory's light and revealing the man's ominous looking form. Or a form that would look more ominous, if the man didn't look like a giant dork with Dr. Pepper for blood. And if he didn't just immediately hold up his hands at the sight of guns.

"Freeze!" one goon said, even though the man already complied and everything. "Good, someone with sense. Now, hand over the controls to the factory and get out of here-"

The man snorted. "You barge into my home and want to negotiate getting the keys? No thanks."

There was a click as he saw the safeties were disengaged, another goon snarling, "We have better reasons to use this place than a shitty squatter like you. Pack your things and get out, or die."

They weren't sure why he did this. It wasn't exactly a smart move in any regard. But all the man did was shrug and say, "Guess I'll die!"

The guns fired on him all at once, leaving bullet wounds where they hit. The fact that he was still standing afterwards with wounds slowly stitching themselves up made the goons hesitate as the man let out a laugh.

"Well, guess you guys are more bark than bite. Good thing, too: I'm a bit... out of practice."

He moved quickly, hands suddenly charged with lightning as he jabbed a goon in the throat. The goon collapsed, convulsing  and gurgling nonsense as the other intruders converged on the masked man. He quickly drew a machete that burst with electric power as he channeled it into his weapon and stabbed another intruder in the gut, whirling around and slicing another one in their arm. They desperately tried to riddle him with more bullets, but going for headshots was useless, the bullets bouncing off his mask and their efforts rewarded with an electric knife in unpleasant places.

There was one left after the fighting, all his companions either dead or paralyzed at the hands of some dork in a gas mask and a sparking knife. He whimpered, falling to his knees, scrambling back towards the wall before the man dispelled the enchantment on his knife, put it away, and grabbed the man by the collar with relative ease.

"You want to live, don't you?" the masked man said in a harsh whisper. "You want to live and get away from this nightmarish hell of a planet, don't you? Then here's my ultimatum: grab your buddies, take them to whoever sent you here, and warn them that if they send another crew to try to take over this place, they'll have a worse fate than any of you.

Or you can die. But then more people would have to die because they didn't get a warning, and I'd have to clean the conveyor belts of all the idiots who traipse in here again. But that's up to you: do you want to be the messenger, or do you want to be the corpse?"

He didn't understand what gibberish came out of this goon's mouth, but he was nodding along, so the man released him, heading over to his computer and disabling the factory's functions for the time being. He watched the goon try to carry as many of his comrades as he could, running on pure adrenaline and leaving this god forsaken place alone.

Soon as he left, the man closed the door, heading over to his computer and quickly researching people who would have interest in a factory. Several people cropped up: Brad "Smithy" Dorson of Mechkai, of course, given his penchant of selling mass produced weapons to war-riddled planets. There was Queen Eliza, who believed that a strong country needed a strong military presence, but didn't have the means to mass produce weaponry, as they haven't the means to make factories and experience the age of an Industrial Revolution. (How the sources found that out and relayed it to the internet was beyond him.) And of course, there was the coalition of Santas, wishing to produce more presents for good boys and girls, though the man doubted they would send a bunch of goons to try to seize it forcefully.

That was all excluding interference from 'outside'. Heaven only knew how many Outsiders would want a factory, though how many would be so determined to get one in the middle of a winter hellscape was a different story.

Still, though, he wasn't going to just let anyone have it. Besides, it was a good defense system. Kept the idiots out and him in. Was a giant pain in the ass to get food delivered here normally, though. Sifting was the only way he was going to get bulk shipments of food and drink, and sometimes the sifting process made his pizza into an eldrich monster that made eating it more of an epic battle than it needed to be. The only way he was going to move out is if a better place presented itself to him, one that didn't have any fees attached aside from internet bills.

As he got back into his research, his Discord buzzed to life, blaring at him with a call from Outside. Quickly, he picked it up, putting on his headset as Aurelis's face popped up on screen.

"Idenfification, please," the masked man said. Aurelis was way ahead of him, holding up his Planeswarden Badge with a feathered hand. The man's eye widened as he quickly straightened up and asked, "What's the occasion? HQ usually doesn't ask much of anything from me, nevermind one from Outside."

"Many, many things," Aurelis replied as he tucks away his badge. "I've heard many things about you, and I wish to borrow your abilities, in light of recent events. Though, ultimately, I would have to consult the higher ups, no?"

The man shook his head. "There are no higher ups here. We're kind of a scattered band of dopes doing what we can... which, sadly enough, isn't much. So you're fine, just wondering what kind of events are happening on your end that needs me over there."

"Ladeca, for one."

The masked man flinched at the name. There have been rumors, so many rumors, about Ladeca. That some Planeswardens were manipulated and turned into Ba'als to wipe the remaining ones out. That others just joined her team when theirs was clearly losing. That those on the brink of despair joined her not out of fear, but out of a sick, twisted hope than she would make everything better. The more he heard, the more it made his stomach twist into knots.

"You had me at Ladeca," he says with glee, imagining how good it would feel to punch her in her stupid face.  "If it means stopping her from manipulating my friends and coworkers, I'd love to help! Just make sure my new home's nice and cozy and I'm not in any immediate danger, and we're good~"

"If you mean 'staying near the local superheroes', then of course. Though you must be willing to put yourself in some danger: they tend to attract the sort of trouble you can't simply avoid all the time."

Aurelis witnessed him flinch as he grumbled, "Fiiiine, I'll live with it. I'd rather be not disturbed, buuut juuust for you guys, I'll do it."

"Excellent. We don't need your services as of quite yet, but when you are ready, here are the coordinates to one of our HQs. You will be aiding the Earth Sect, as they are in dire need of a hacker and researcher such as yourself.

Good luck, and I hope to see you soon, Phreak."

As the communications shut off and he got the coordinates in a separate DM that he hastily scribbled before the message deleted itself, Phreak stared at the monitors and groaned.

"Oh, I'm going to regret this codename by the end of this," he says as he makes a mental to-do list. Secure factory to make sure nobody can take control of it while he's gone, maybe ask someone else to watch over it, actually fix his sifter after procrastinating and dreading the feeling of VROPing places again, meet Outside Coworkers... and actually live a little. Maybe. If the air isn't literal poison over there. Hopefully.

This next year was going to be quuiiite interesting.

Sunday, April 28, 2019

Dino Report


April 15th:

The big bosses apparently have money to spend, because now we have a bunch of dinosaurs. 10, to be precise. I'm not sure what need we have for five (inaccurate) raptors, two triceratops, a Carnotaurus, a Ceratosaurus, and a big fat lazy Spinosaurus, but I'm not the one calling the shots. The raptors keep chittering at each other while a coworker offers a goat to the Carno like he's a god or something.

I'm sure this won't backfire or anything. Yep.

April 16th:

They injected the dinosaurs with... something. "To enhance their abilities," a coworker said. Do dinos need steroids? Are we trying to win the Olympia Olympics or something? Either way, nothing happened. Oh, Bob nearly got his arm bitten off by Carno, but that's nothing new. I'm sure someone has a habit of biting someone when they stick a huge fucking needle in them.

Raptors have already created a clique and seem to backtalk anyone who comes by. Snobs. The tris don't give a shit long as they get their fair share of grass and roaming about in some random, isolated island near the Kuwahawi Archipelago for like... a bit. Carno, as expected, wants to eat everybody. Won't stop rattling his cage and roaring at everybody. He roared at me and tried to bite me, but I just tranq'd him and went about my day. Spino's... he's something, alright. He's just a lazy bum who waddles in water and humbly accepts fish. I thought this thing was supposed to be terrifying?

But the real weirdo here is Cerato. He's... kinda runty for a Cerato. A juvenile, maybe? Only about 8 feet tall, maybe less. Not only that, instead of trying to eat anyone, he just sniffs us and backs away like we're going to taze him or something. Did see some markings on him, some pretty nasty bite marks. And not the "I got bit by a thousand campies" kinda nasty, but a "something big and nasty bit him like he was a burger" kinda nasty. If they clamped down... This guy wouldn't have survived. Or maybe he didn't, and we revived him with white magic after putting his body back together.

Whatever the case, he's not eating as much as the others. Hell, doesn't seem to eat while anybody's here. Can't put a finger on why.

Maybe because that fucker keeps scaring him or something.

April 18th:

Raptor Clique must have had one helluva time hunting on Big Fucking Monster island, because they won't fucking shut up. Not only that, one of them sparks up and chitters the loudest like he's a hype generator or something. Literal sparks.

That's not something a dinosaur should have.

If that's not a big enough deal, the triceratops are making their own grass and are just bamboozled. They can feed themselves! Sadly that means they're growing grass on walls and not understanding that shouldn't really be happening. Spino doesn't seem to realize much of anything, just still floating around like a big dope and continuing to eat fish, and Carno is Carno and actually ate Bob this time. Carno got put in the "time out" corner. Cerato heard those tazing noises and scampered into his corner in a heartbeat as the massive asshole got what was coming.

Cerato doesn't seem to be showing much, either, but lately, when I've been goofing off and watching youtube instead of being an actual scientist, he gets real curious. Just rolls up and sniffs in my direction like he's trying to watch with me. He also gets like that whenever he hears someone unwrapping something. I wondered why...

...Up until I saw Kana giving him a Russel Stover bar. Do we even know if chocolate hurts dinos? Do they even have taste buds like we do? Either way, Cerato ate that as if it was his birthday and nearly took Kana's hand with it. This is a carnivore and here we are, feeding it chocolate. For "science". We're not completely stupid, though: someone followed that up by giving him a burger, too. And raw steaks.

What next, we're gonna be feeding him the dry-aged shit? Iberico ham? Caviar? Either way, least he's eating better.

...Wonder what he'd say if he could talk, though.

April 20th:

I hate being outdoors. Mosquitos are the bane of my existence, and yet here I am, the fuckers feasting on me as I play dinosaur babysitter on dino island.. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

Raptor Clique are a bunch of magicians now, making sparks, icicles, fire, wind, and... party favors. The mage Raptors have shunned their party friend in favor of being wizards. Party Raptor doots on... by herself. She seems a bit happier that way, dooting in the general direction of the triceratops, who really just want to mind their own business. Carno got too close to them and they tag teamed him, just slamming him down and covering him with rocks and moss before strugging off. Bastard's angry as hell but he can't do shit about it.

Spino alert: he is the happiest, just eating fish and occasionally getting into it with a shark. RIP that shark. Currently suntanning on the beach like a model and screeching at Carno whenever he gets too close. Doesn't seem to mind Cerato, since Cerato's using him as a shield against Carno. He still seems afraid, though, so even though he's not really much of a fish guy, he catches fish and gives 'em to spino like its an offering. Paying him for his services, maybe?

Speaking of Cerato, he's had his eye on Lewis's dinosaur diorama. Just can't pry his eyes away. Meanwhile, I was just glaring at the Spinosaur toy he got before me. Bastard ordered one and didn't even tell me. Sold out just before I got there.

Lewis, if you ever read this, you're dead to me.

April 21st:

Shit.

Shit shit shit shit

Okay. Calm down, I can get through this.

Carno... Carno got powers. He got 'em, alright. First noticed it when the bars of his cage were a little bent. Put it back in place and thought it was all alright. But every night, they seem to get bent wider and wider. And Carno's always staring intently at it...

We put him in a different cage for now, but I feel like it might not be enough. Especially if he figures out how to work it. I swear, he's got raptor blood in him. Hell, all of them do. Especially the raptors, but that's to be expected.

Speaking of, Party Raptor is in her own cage now, dooting it up and having the time of her life. I gave her a kazoo for laughs, and now she won't stop. I've created a monster. Soon she will have the kazoo skills to win musical competitions and I'll be awarded 20 gold trophies for my efforts.

Tris are Tris, Spino is Spino, Cerato is trying to learn how to lockpick and actually broke out. We didn't need to tranq him though, we just saw him attempting to do what no dino could possibly do and sit in a chair. Chair-sama has died for our sins. Also ate Lewis's burger like a champion. Take THAT Lewis, serves you right.

Everyone's pretending everything's alright, but the raptors are sensing something wrong. Already coming up with attack plans, I guess? Cerato's definitely on edge, hugging that corner like its gonna protect it. Gave him a safety blanket, and he just hid under that instead. A good replacement for when Spino can't comfort him.

--------------------

April 22nd:

Cerato broke out with Party Raptor and had their own little party. Had to escort them back into their cages, but Party Raptor continues to doot in protest. Her fellow raptors are annoyed and probably told her to shut up, but she doots on.

There's slamming noises somewhere. Already packed my bags and have several tranqs ready to go.

------------------

April 23rd:

Spino's growling and getting aggressive. The slamming noises are getting louder. "There is nothing to fear," higher ups say.

Nothing to fear, my ass. They said something about administering another injection. I think I might know what it is... and I don't want to be here for it.

---------------------

April 25th

FUCK-

*Blood is splattered all over the pages.*

---------------------

April 29th:

Never enough morphine for this shit

"There's nothing to fear" they said

Yeah tell that to the people who got smeared and eaten you dumbasses

Press is hush hush. Head Honcho bought their silence. Bought mine, too, but only for so long.

Tris are dead. Fire Raptor's alive. Dunno about his other wizard friends. Party Raptor and Cerato's with me. Spino's... somewhere. With a trusted friend. Can't trust bigwigs to not fuck up everything.

Fucker bit Cerato. Instant trauma, wild flailing. Didn't even fight back. Spino broke out and came to his rescue and nearly snapped fucker's neck. If those idiots didn't tranq him, their favorite would have gotten thrashed.

Don't know what they're planning with him now.

All I know is that they won't learn. They'll never learn.

If they get their hands on the rest... There's no telling what they'll do.

Cerato's on the bed, clutching onto Lewis's Spino toy tightly. Won't come from under the blankets. Party Raptor trying her best to comfort him with the song of her people. It’s not working.

God, if only the Kobbers were here already.

It Begins... Again

"You've gotta be shitting me!"

Prier glared at the mail in her hand so hard, one would think lasers would come out of her eyes to pierce through that and the ugly green couch she was sitting on. Brandon watched with a frown, fiddling with his fingers as Pookums put her head in Prier's lap.

The nun balled it up and tossed it away, grumbling, "Damn it, couldn't they tell me before I got here? And what took them so long getting this to me, anyway?"

"I don't think you told them that we found a cheap place in Olympia, Prier," Brandon answered weakly, shrinking away as Prier turned her gaze towards him. "That, and isn't your home pretty far away? And maybe they didn't have this until now?"

"Mmmrg." The nun slumped back into the couch until it looked like the couch was absorbing her. "And its gonna be a pain in the ass, ain't it."

"A mission, then?"

"Something like that." Prier stretched a bit and yawned as she continued, "Something about some people going missing. Some in Paprika, so I can't help with that, but..." She rolled over and sighed now as she added, "Heard some followed me here, or tried to. "

Brandon smiled just a tad, though he still fiddled around with his fingers as he said, "Guess they were impressed with your Brawl stuff last year, huh?"

"Maybe? Its not like I really talked much to everybody aside from my brother. Maybe chatted a bit, but I was mostly doing my own thing." Prier finally sat up, head propped up in her hand, drumming against the couch arm with her free one. "But whatever their reason for coming here, they either never made it... or their stay was cut short or something." Another grumpy sigh, Prier ignoring a door creaking nearby. "And without a lead, can't really DO much about it!"

More grumbling would have ensued, had a third voice hadn't chimed in with a, "Well, for one, you could ask whoever's in charge to put a tracker on 'em." Prier and Brandon turned their heads towards the source: Nikki, with a detective hat on and what looked like a pipe. A pipe that she was blowing bubbles out of.

"Nikki, where on earth did you get that?" was probably not the response the aspiring detective wanted to get, especially not from Brandon. "Did you go to Party Hardy without me?!?"

She stared at him for a second before she said, "I plead the 5th." She then turned her attention to Prier before Brandon could guilt her with the look of sheer betrayal on his face. "Now, about tracking..."

Prier looked up at her and shrugged. "Don't know about that. Paprika isn't exactly technologically advanced yet. Working on it, but it's taking time. We got computers and phones, but nothing like trackers."

"How about magic spells for tracking?"

"Don't think anyone was smart enough for that."

"Then send your pet bat with them as an escort."

Prier opened her mouth to retort, then put a finger on her chin. "That might actually work, but I have no idea when the fuck someone else is coming. Getting in contact with them's gonna take a bit."

Nikki shrugged and said, "Well, something's better than nothing. In the meantime, I can keep an eye out for any missing nuns and priests in the area, any witnesses. They wear the same shit you do, right?"

Prier looked up at her with a shocked look. "...I thought I was the only one wearing this. And if I'm not..." That weird look was quickly into anger. "Then that old man's gonna need a proper kick to the crotch to fix it."

"Okaaay, I'll take that as a no until proven otherwise." Nikki blew a few bubbles from her pipe before she started to walk off. "Well, off to work. I'll pass the word on to Brownie and pals..." She paused for a second before she added reluctantly, "Oh, and Team FBI Kissasses, too, I guess. You haven't died until you've listened to them give the most BORING reports. Watching paint dry would be more entertaining than listening them." Halfway out the door, and she just shakes her head as she adds, "They don't even fucking spin on the chairs when nobody's looking. No fun."

Brandon got over his betrayal long enough to be concerned. "Oooh boy, have fun with that? Maybe don't go out to whatever their idea of a good time is?"

"It'd just be an invite to watching a police documentary or some shit!" Nikki called out when she was out the door, before she swiftly shut the door behind her.

Brando and Prier exchanged glances for a moment.

"Brando, ya think your bud's gonna handle that alright?"

He gave her the thousand yard stare, a stare that saw right through her and sent shivers down her spine.

"Nope."

------------------------

"Aaaand that's that!"

The Planeswardens looked up at their new HQ, eyes glistening with glee. It took work, fixing up a broken down Holiday Inn. It wasn't even their first choice, considering all the damage. But the big bosses got it for cheap because it was such a fixer upper, and so, fixed, they did. With the big ribbon snipped by Halla with dramatic flair, the Nerd Brigade stampeded in like their lives depended on it, Dia and Duer wisely sidestepping the likes of Biscotti and pals in their haste to claim rooms.

"DIBS ON ROOM 169!" Biscotti shouted amongst the crowd, throwing her weight around to get to the front of the pack. "I CALLED DIBS, NOBODY GONNA HAVE IT BUT ME!"

Several nerds complained, but their complaints weren't heard for long as they piled inside, leaving Duer, Kela, Halla, Dia, and Starla out to bask in the glory of the Halla Day Inn.

"Well, one problem solved, 99 more to go," Duer said with a smirk, turning towards Halla. "Thanks for lending a hand. Think I'd lose my goddamned mind if I did this all by myself."

"Thank me by letting me help ya guys more often, then!" Halla replied, chuckling and slapping Duer on the shoulder. Slapping him hard enough that a small chunk chipped off of the rockdog's body. While Duer stared in horror, Halla's expression turned dark as she said, "Really, though, wish I could help more, but my arms are tied. Something feels wrong about the meetings now. Auralis feels it, too: they're a lot more tense, and Ivan's been yapping more and influencing others a lot more often. That includes the whole, uh, Earth Sect budget..." Halla looked down at her feet and slumped. "Kinda... didn't help much there. I'm no good about budget talks, just punching."

Now it was Dia's turn to pat Halla on the shoulder. Or back, since Dia couldn't exactly reach Halla's shoulder. "You did your best. That's all we can really ask for. Although Ivan having more of a say in things is concerning. And still no sign of Magus..."

"Feels like it's leading up to something," Kela said, closing her eyes as she crossed her arms. "With Magus missing, Ivan's getting bold. There's more dissonance in the force than ever. It's getting harder to get things done here in this sect." She furrowed her brows as she turned towards Duer and asked, "You hear anything from your guys yet? You haven't mentioned them in a while."

"I did get reports about Ivan's sect suddenly getting pay raises and one of them being flashy about it," Duer said, "but that was about a month ago. I haven't heard anything from them since. Might be keeping quiet since they're not finding anything indicative of anything concrete, hard evidence of system rigging or anything happening with Magus."

Kela's eyes narrowed further. "Or they could have been captured because they found out something that was."

The crew fell silent, Halla turning furious at the thought, Duer looking away awkwardly like a dog charged with shitting the bed, Dia fiddling with a ribbon on her finger and looking back and forth between everyone.

"Are we really going to play the 'be awkward and say nothing' game? Really?" All attention turned to Starla, the nerd clearly grumpy about the situation. "Really. Okay, we don't know which situation is the right one, but guess what? We can find out by, oh, I don't know, throwing a fucking Kobber at it. They're not tied to our politics or rules and they have full rights to punch whoever is doing obstruction of justice, IF there's any going on. I mean, the kitsune kid's a fucking Kobber, and god help any fucko who hurts her. Dia, how many moms she got?"

"Two. Three if you count Selena, who would probably like her!"

"Yeah, fuck whoever hurts her because hell has no fury like a mother scorned, nevermind three of them." Starla pushed her spectacles up and looks Duer right in the eye as she said, "So, if that radio silence goes on way too long, throw the moms at it and watch the problem die. Horribly."

Duer stared at her before he shrugged. "Fair point. I'll see if I can find info on their last whereabouts, just in case.

By the way, where the fuck is Seles? Thought she'd be here by now!"

Dia and Starla looked him dead in the eye at the same time as they said simultaneously, "Making a biker gang."

"...Making a biker gang?"

"She wants an excuse to ride a motorcycle on slow days," Dia pointed out.

"Also so she can bully the bullies in the area," Starla added with a smirk.  "Because from what I heard, there's a lotta guys that need a lil comeuppance in this area. It'll keep her busy when there's no Ladeca nonsense or Kobber shit to catch her attention."

Duer sighed as he led the group into the Inn, looking over his shoulder for a moment  and seeing someone hide the moment he spotted them. A girl, maybe? Meh, not important. "Well, whatever floats her boat. Just hope she doesn't go overboard.

Speaking of overboard, Halla, we need to talk about Hiroki..."

As the gang went in, Kisha finally stopped hiding behind a trash can and peered over it, staring at the new hotel with a confused look.

"Cripes, looks like a whole gaggle of cosplayers went in there," she said as she straightened herself up. "So many nerds rushed in there... Don't even think there's room.

Ugh, maybe I should just look for a room right next to Valhalla.

...Maybe the bartender'll let me sleep there as I get my whole job thing worked out."

----------------------------------

Resumes. So many resumes. Resumes upon resumes upon resumes.

And here Juan was, sending resumes just about everywhere, eyes nearly burned out by the computer, eyelids drooping as he sends yet another one in someone's direction.

"I don't envy this generation," he said afterwards, slumping in his seat and yawning loud enough to catch the attention of a certain stretchy cat. "Don't know how they have the patience to send all of this and wait for an answer. An answer that'll never come..."

From the corner of his eye, he saw Sonia, who looked pretty baffled by everything, all dressed up in what looked like a chef's suit. "Oooh, you're job hunting now? Thought you were looking for faith!"

"Sadly, faith doesn't have a Tinder equivalent, so a job's the next best thing." More staring, the god awkwardly turning his seat towards Sonia as he explained, "You know, they place their FAITH in you... to do a good job? You know, that sorta thing?

...I mean, I technically have 0 experience in anything aside from management BUT it's worth a shot-"

That curiosity turned to glee as Sonia shouted, "Well, why didn't ya say so? I got a nice job  I start in a few days~ Maybe if I pull a few strings, I can help you get a job there, too!"

"Uh... where DID you get a job, Sonia?"

The witch smiled and snapped her fingers, a letter showing up in Juan's hands. He squinted and read through it, his eyes widening with every word he read, until he finally looked up at Sonia again with absolute shock.

"Sonia, how the fuck did you get a job at VALHALLA?"

----------------------------

"To be remembered, to be known.
Isn't that the wish of all?

But you are forgotten. Rejected. No one.
Too afraid to gain the recognition you deserve.
Trembling in the shadows of those who rose to the heights of fame.
Wishing to gain the attention of your idols.
Yearning for the fame that slipped through your fingers like sand.

For those who desire to be remembered, come now to Olympia. Come, join the Revue of Rejects, and become the blazing star to light the skies, a star to be remembered in the heart of all!"

The biker girl looked up at... well, she wasn't sure what she was looking at, just some weird part dragon dude who looked like he could cry the minute you even stared at him for too long. She looked back down at the letter, then back at him.

"So... you came all the way out of Manhattan to find me and get me to investigate this," she said calmly.

The dragon boy frowned and looked down at his feet. "Well, uh, yes, because um... sounds like Kobbery business and, if I remember, you're, uh... a Kobber fan. And also like one of those shrine maiden girls."

She sat up straight on her motorcycle and glanced at the letter again. "Sure is, and it smells fishy. Sounds like someone caught wind of your brief run in with them... um..." She pulled out the envelope and squinted at the letters. "...I'm not saying that name. We're calling you Bob."

"But that IS my real-"

The girl cut him off and said, "Yeah, no, I'm not saying that, everyone's going to call you unsavory nicknames and I'm not about that life. So, Bob, someone found out about your brief run in with the Kobbers, and think you're seeking fame with them. But obviously, considering the effort you went through to come and find me here to give me this, you don't."

"I wouldn't be a good fit, no. I found that out a while back."

"And so, you want me to find out who sent this and look into their intentions."

"And, uh, do the Kobbery thing if you find out they're up to no good, yes," Bob said, nodding his head along. "I mean, you're kinda famous on forums for resolving incidents and all, so, uh, you can handle it, right?"

Bob flinched a little as the girl smiled a bit and said, "Yeah, got it. You can go home and rest easy, and I'll take care of it."

"Oh, uh... do you want pay-"

"Thrill's all the pay I need." A pause. "Food money's good, though."

"I have a hundred dollars-"

"Deal."

As Bob went on his way, the girl looked down at the letter again, her smile widening.

"Well, well. Who knew moving to Olympia would bring Kobber sheenanigans before the Kobbers get here? Gonna be one helluva job, for sure. For now..."

She heard the roar of motorcycles, their shadows cast on her. She revved up her own, her eyes meeting with the massive, ripped woman challenging her with a wild grin.




"Time to kick some ass."



Monday, March 18, 2019

Pushing Papers

When one hears the word "Planeswarden",  what comes to mind? Most would think of the organization at hand, fighting off the  interdimensional threats at hand. Some might think of individual members, like the suave Ringabel, the hotheaded dog Duer, or cute, cuddly elf Diadem. So many answers may come to mind, the public at hand simply assuming that they're a force much like the Kobbers, ready to pop up and trounce anything that threatens the dimensions.

Unfortunately, they have to deal with one thing that Kobbers don't: paperwork.

Clack, clack, clack, go those keyboards as several members typed away, writing reports on Planeswarden activity and logging important changes to the organization at hand. Some focus on Public Relations, trying their best to find the right words to bolster their image after the scandals of yore. Others, running on naught but the coffee pots brought to them and the thought that maybe one day, Dia-senpai will notice them, go through and rank each and every recurring enemy that hasn't been dealt with, in order of priority.

Not all of them had to deal with relatively pleasant stuff. They didn't know the pain of cutting through all the red tape for other people.

Least, thats what one chimera secretary thought, as she stared a hole into all of these budget proposals. It was a miracle she didn't need glasses, given how hard she was squinting at every word. Sorting through them was a pain, and marking down questionable requests with red ink.

"Mmm, more money to recruit more memberss and sstart them with a higher ssalary? That'ss... not very sspecific." Circled. 'Specific amount, please?' " $1 million dollarss for a high-end Planesswarden wedding? We don't budget for perssonal thingss... Though that ssoundss fun." Crossed out. 'Personal, Council would not approve.' "$25k for the annual Ssportss Party?" The chimera's tail slithered in, its beady snake eyes  pressed onto the paper before flopping on top of it. "...Iss that even mandatory for normal operationss?"

From the bowels of paperwork hell, a voice bellowed, "HOW CAN WE OPERATE WITHOUT SPORTS, REESE?!? HOW WILL WE LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING WHICH LOCAL TEAM BEAT WHO?!?"

"Fair, but after lasst party, Maguss demanded you guyss clean up after yoursselvess," Reese replied, writing a note reflecting that. "That whole banquet room wass a pain in the assss to clean, I heard." She stood up, taking an elegant pose, tone changing into something more eloquent as she said, "We musstn't have one of our few janitorss sstuck cleaning one room for hourss merely becausse the partygoerss were too lazy to clean up after themsselvess."

The tower of papers shuddered. "Oof, that... you think it was worse than the Omnisoda Incident of 2018?"

Reese pulled out her phone, careful to retract her  claws as best as she could, lest she add another big scratch on the heavy-duty case enclosing it. Quick as a flash, she pulled out before and after pictures, holding the phone up so that they could see. The whole office turned to peek, a mousy nerd peeking out from behind paperwork hell to look and shrink back into the paperwork.

"Yep, definitely worse."

"You bet it iss."

The marking continued on for hours, at least until a pink wing rested on her shoulders. Reese looked up, absentmindedly crossing out an entire paragraph listing food expenses, eyes half opened. "Huh? Wassup? Iss it nap time?"

Above her towered the flamingo Councilman, Aurelis, in all his pink glory. "I feel as if you're long overdue sleep in general, yes," he said quietly, before he turned his head towards one other secretary, who was jittering and mumbling something or other. "And so is Tasha, from the look of it."

"She'ss been up for three dayss straight." Aurelis quickly snapped back to look at her with shock. "We've told her to go, but she refussed. Ssaid something about needing to make Dia proud."

"Well, I suppose Dia's intervention's is required," Aurelis sighed. "Not only that, I'll have to approve a week long vacation for her. Three days without rest is far too much. You can aid me with that, can you not?"

"You're the counssilman, not me," Reese said with a shrug, before a grin spread across her face. "Though I can certainly expidite the processs for ya, IF you  approve mine~"

The bird started at her as her grin grew ever wider. "Your paid vacation proposal is a half-year tenure in one of Olympia's finest hotels, which, upon further research, I noticed had a highly rated buffet at a price that's actually reasonable."

"Yep!"

"And conveniently located in the restaurant quarter of Olympia."

"Yep!"

"And nine subway stops away from the Olympia Mall, which, from what I heard, now has an arcade."

Her grin never waivered, her tail wagging like a dog's, much to the snake's discontent. "Nothing wrong with that, right? I haven't been to an arcade in DECADES!"

"You know full well that only the likes of Halla would even approve of this, correct?"

"Only because most of you guys forgot the meaning of fun."

Aurelis opened his beak, only for a long, exasperated sigh to escape. "I higly doubt they'll even consider it, but I'll see what I can do, at least for a month's worth . In the meantime, do get some rest. You may need it, given some of the more outrageous proposals we've seen."

Reese took that chance, heading down towards the elevators and wishing they were just a wee bit closer. The halls lights illuminated her path with each step, a welcome sight when there was nary a window to look out of. She yawned as she reached it, her tail smacking the up button for her as she wished she could magically change into her PJs and conjure pillows to sleep right here and now. Never had she been so happy when the elevator doors slid open, rushing right in-

And never did her enthusiasm drain along with the color in her face as a sleasy voice said, "Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in! Just the person I wanted to see!"

Her eyes locked onto the rail-thin man she rode with, flinching as his breath reeked of alcohol and doritos. She tried to get out, but a long finger pressed the "close doors" button faster than she can even turn around. A cold sweat broke out on her face as the man leaned into her ear, his voice a bare whisper.

"Now, now, Reese. That ain't the way to greet a friend, ain't it?"

"You're no friend of mine, greaseball," Reese hissed. "How long were you waiting-"

He tapped his chin for a little bit and frowned. "Far too long for you, honeybuns. Figured you'd be leaving out sooner to say hi to your fluffy fox friend. Can't let her new 'friend' hog all her attention, can ya?"

Reese started pressing any ol' button to get the hell out of here, utterly revolted by his mere presence alone. "You fucking creep, can't you bug someone ELSE?" God, she'd punch him right now, but with the camera in the corner... it wouldn't have been a good look. She needed this job... and that meant dealing with THIS asshole.

"Aw, but you're just the best!" he teased, patting all that ruffled hair down. "Who better than you to ask for all those budget increases for our sect? It's been SO annoying to deal with the paperwork, even when Ivan's just so eager to make sure his sect thrives!"

"Only to make sure Jane actually lives through this," Reese spat. "Most of your sect just sits there and give out violation tickets to whoever happens to vacation there from another dimension. And when a threat DOES come, you're the first one to hide and let Jane handle them while you go party!"

Greaseball snorted and shrugged. "Well, it's a pretty easy life. We don't have to worry too much, and that ain't bad, is it? A bigger budget would make our lives a lot easier. Maybe one to the tune of a trillion dollars..."

"The Council would never approve it." Her voice was cold, her gaze more like a Medusa's, threatening to turn Greaseball into stone. "That would require budget cuts to literally every other sect! The whole council would riot at the very thought! Hell, even if they did, Magus would disapprove and void it upon reading it! You have an easy enough time as it is!"

That grin that threatened to split the man's face sent shivers down Reese's spine. "Oh, I know. I know VERY well they wouldn't approve it. Which is why I need a favor from you: you've seen enough of the bigwig signatures, haven't you? So why not just do me a favor and, when our lil sect's proposal comes your way, do a lil fancy forgery? Slap Magus's name on there and everybody on the Council's bound to agree without even taking a second glance!"

"Not on your life." God, why was this elevator being so slow? They should have reached the next floor by now!

A long, drawn out sigh escaped his lips. "Oh, what a shame," he said with a shrug. "I thought a nice lil' heart to heart woulda swayed ya, but I guess life ain't all that easy... So, how 'bout I... sweeten the pot a little?" His slimy grin widened as he pulled out his phone, the chimera leaning over to see what was on there. She turned white as a sheet, eyes widening as he continued, "You get this 'approval' for us, and I won't have to air your dirty laundry to everyone. Heavens know what your parents'll think of their precious widdle daughter if they heard about this, nevermind the High Council!"

Reese drew a sharp breath and hissed, "You wouldn't DARE."

"Please, honeybun, don't start underestimating me now!" he replied with a chuckle, putting his phone away and wrapping a bony arm around her shoulders. "It just ain't cozy enough for me. The paycheck's gotta match the danger, y'see! All these big bads, they'd kill me in an instant! It ain't worth riskin' my life if I don't get the money to back it up. 'Sides, I could use a vacation... Maybe in one of those fancy hotels in... what did they call that city again? Cyber City? Olympus? Apollo?" He waved it off and snorted. "Whatever, doesn't matter. So either you get with the program... Or you can see every one of your dirty lil secrets get posted on every corner of the web and then some, capishe?"

Finally the elevator stopped and opened, Reese scrambling out, shuddering, shivering, glaring hatefully at the man who was still smiling, blowing her a kiss and waving good bye.

"Give it some time, babe. You got plenty of it... for now~!"

Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Was she too careless? How did he get them? Why her?!? God, she could die right about now. She scampered her way through the hallways, heading towards the stairs up to the dorms.

That night was the least restful nap she ever had, as she set up several layers of security and scanned her computer for keyloggers and viruses. The only friend she saw was the ceiling, eyes wide open for hours on end until the time for work had come.

If only it didn't.

Friday, February 8, 2019

Dischord in Discord 2: Electric Boogaloo

DISCHORD IN DISCORD 28: I Have No Spino And I Must Scream
--------------

DurianDinosaur: dinosaur status
DurianDinosaur: there is no spinos
DurianDinosaur: MATTEL HAS GIVEN UP ON HUMANITY FOR OUR SINS
DurianDinosaur: I HAVE NO SPINO AND I'M SCREAMING
FoolishFool: wait its over?
MiraculousMaiden: checked target's site, got greeted with "Sold Out"
RaymooFan: Would have snagged it but someone had faster fingers than I had.
RaymooFan: They never did restock the next few days. :/
DurianDinosaur: MY LIFE IS OVER
DurianDinosaur: I WILL BE DISCREDITED FROM THE DINO COLLECTORS CLUB
TheDorkKnight: I'm sure Reddit will forgive you for missing one dinosaur
DurianDinosaur: who said I was looking at reddit?
TheDorkKnight: WELL... fuck.
BraveCommander: Last I saw, they had some in a toy store in Scotland?
DurianDinosaur: I saw that- waitaminute
DurianDinosaur: Dia's friends with Maria, right?
BraveCommander: I don't like where this is going, but yes
DurianDinosaur: is it possible
DurianDinosaur: that you could ask Dia
DurianDinosaur: to ask Maria
DurianDinosaur: to buy me a spino in scotland and i'll pay her back
BraveCommander: I DON'T think Maria would do that.
BraveCommander: 1. she doesn't know you and 2. MARIA GOES WHERE SHE PLEASES. NOT EVEN DIA HERSELF CAN PREDICT HER TRAVELING PATTERNS OR CHANGE HER COURSE
DurianDinosaur: ...welp, guess i'll die
RaymooFan: JUST like the dinosaurs.

------------------------------------------

WhiteTortoise: hello i-

*WT does not respond for a grand total of 30 minutes*

MiraculousMaiden: UH TORT U K?
TheDorkKnight: I hope nobody hurt her otherwise someone's dying tonight
RaymooFan: smells like an incident
FoolishFool: just like in my dragon grandpas!
DurianDinosaur: she abandoned us to be with her cooler, newer friends
BraveCommander: Or she could be copypasting that "WHATDIDYOUSAYABOUTMEYOULITTLESHIT" meme
RaymooFan: We did nothing to deserve that.
TheDorkKnight: And I plead the fifth! :B

WhiteTortoise: oops my keyboard died midsentence and i had to go buy some more batteries
WhiteTortoise: thanks for your concern, though! :3
TheDorkKnight: T-tortoise-sama....~!
RaymooFan: Dork, please.

--------------------------

TheDorkKnight: Valentine's Day is around the corner!
TheDorkKnight: And you know what that means~
RaymooFan: My New Years Resolution will be thoroughly shattered again?
MiraculousMaiden: You're taking us out to dinner? :D
DurianDinosaur: i thought he was going to send us all valentine's cards
DurianDinosaur: like the ones you get in school
DurianDinosaur: ...the ones I never got.
DurianDinosaur: ;;
TheDorkKnight: They don't know a good person when they see one :I
TheDorkKnight: BUT NO TO ALL OF THOSE! ...Except Raymoo's, but we already know it's been fucked up by now.
RaymooFan: I admit nothing.
TheDorkKnight: No, it means Attack of  Bridezilla is making its rounds again and I will hate everyone who forces me into it.
TheDorkKnight: On the other hand, I get to also do plays where I be cute with the troupe and we all be goofy friends on stage!
TheDorkKnight: There's not nearly enough friendship-oriented valentine's plays and that sucks.
BraveCommander: Least its not some play where you barely avoid XXX ratings?
TheDorkKnight: I don't get those roles, ever.
TheDorkKnight: Which is a shame because I am  by far the sexiest man alive
RaymooFan: says Narsissus, just moments away before he drowns himself in a lake
TheDorkKnight: bold of you to assume i drown in a lake
MiraculousMaiden: Yeah!
MiraculousMaiden: He'd drown in his sink instead.
TheDorkKnight: D:

---------------------------

MiraculousMaiden: bored
MiraculousMaiden: and I'm out of anime to watch
MiraculousMaiden: wat do
WhiteTortoise: ...you watched all the anime?
MiraculousMaiden: All the ones I care about!
TheDorkKnight: clearly you should watch the godzilla anim-
MiraculousMaiden: NO.
RaymooFan: Could pay a visit to Gensokyo-
MiraculousMaiden: You just want that Reimu autograph.
RaymooFan: Yes.
RaymooFan: DO IT.
MiraculousMaiden: NO
MiraculousMaiden: fuck man i'm gonna browse this show catalogue and fuckin
MiraculousMaiden: click on a random show and watch it
BraveCommander: RIP maiden in advance
TheDorkKnight: Oh, she'll end up watching Godzilla anyway~

*LATER*

MiraculousMaiden: suddenly a magical girl show
WhiteTortoise: IS IT MGM?!?!?!?
MiraculousMaiden: No, its like
MiraculousMaiden: Dino Guardian
MiraculousMaiden: this girl has a cool dino ribbon
MiraculousMaiden: ...those dinos look too good to be CGI
MiraculousMaiden: how much did they budget for those REAL AS FUCK DINOSAURS
RaymooFan: Wait hold up, screenshare this. I need to see.

*A BIT LATERER*

RaymooFan: My Little Dinosaur: Friendship is Jurassic is an actual magical girl show?!?
MiraculousMaiden: RIGHT?
MiraculousMaiden: this is a bit surreal and
RaymooFan: The dinosaur went full moe
BraveCommander: what's going on in THIS thr-
BraveCommander: ...I want in on this

*A BIT MORE LATER*

BraveCommander: THOSE ACROBATICS
RaymooFan: hot damn what kind of fuckin gym classes was she taking
MiraculousMaiden: FUCK THESE BADDIES, LEAVE THE DINOS ALONE
BraveCommander: WE GOTTA MAKE... M O N E Y
MiraculousMaiden: NO FUCK YOU THESE DINOS ARE NOT HERE FOR YOU TO GAWK AT THEM
MiraculousMaiden: YOU'RE TEARING THIS DINO FAMILY APART
BraveCommander: i-is Diana going to be okay?
RaymooFan: These odds suck.
RaymooFan: And I'm actually scared?
MiraculousMaiden: help

*and a bit more...*

MiraculousMaiden: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
RaymooFan: That's fucking dope as fuck
BraveCommander: SHE'S A FUCKIN TRICERATOPS
MiraculousMaiden: GET FUCKED
RaymooFan: :sumihype:
MiraculousMaiden: and now she has the power to become dinosaurs to protect dinokind
MiraculousMaiden: hope she doesn't go mad with power
BraveCommander: AAAAAAAAAAA WHAT A GOOD EP
RaymooFan: Well, I'm hooked. When's the binge?
DurianDinosaur: hoi
DurianDinosaur: oh, looks like you guys found Dino Guardian!
DurianDinosaur: And liked it from the look of it~
RaymooFan: Tell me right now: is this a show where its hype all the way through, or does it just START great and finish off terrible?
RaymooFan: Because you sound like a guy who watched this series like 20 times.
DurianDinosaur: I'm a big fan, but it's pretty indie compared to Kogasa
DurianDinosaur: And it aired during the peak of DinoHype
DurianDinosaur: But I promise it's good, and you'll learn more facts about dinosaurs than you ever thought
MiraculousMaiden: BINGEWATCH STARTS THIS WEEKEND
RaymooFan: Fuck yeah! I'll bring the snacks
BraveCommander: And I'll bring... uh, dang, I don't know
MiraculousMaiden: Bring yourself and your dog. Dog must know the secrets to Dinosaurdom
BraveCommander: Don't give her ideas.
DurianDinosaur: :3 I hope you guys enjoy~


-------------------------

DurianDinosaur: dino update
DurianDinosaur: i search in vain for spino
DurianDinosaur: they're demanding a hundred dollars
DurianDinosaur: I cried a bit before instead buying ALBERTO DE DINOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
*DurianDino proceeds to show several pictures of a toy Albertosaurus in a bowtie, holding a tiny microphone taped to his hand and some sort of Wheel of Fortune, with various other dinos standing in front of cardboard desks*

WhiteTortoise: : o
TheDorkKnight: Ooooh, a new hit show on the game channel?
TheDorkKnight: Sign me up!
RaymooFan: This is by far the stupidest shit you've ever done
RaymooFan: And it's amazing.
RaymooFan: How long did it take to set it up?
DurianDinosaur: several trips through the grief cycle and about an hour of my life
FoolishFool: :< the spino incident hit you hard
DurianDinosaur: i had to put that energy somewhere
DurianDinosaur: shit like this is why i don't have a job
TheDorkKnight: brb setting up something so you could make a career out of putting dinos in stupid scenes-
MiraculousMaiden: JUST THROW MONEY AT HIM ALREADY
DurianDinosaur: NO

----------------------

WhiteTortoise: Do you guys ever wonder why you're friends with someone?
WhiteTortoise: Because I just did after my best friend told me there was coffee
WhiteTortoise: AND SHE DRANK IT ALL.
BraveCommander: #Top10AnimeBetrayals
WhiteTortoise: ;;

-------------------------------------------

FoolishFool: i dunno what to have for lunch
FoolishFool: I know, I'll ask chatzy-
FoolishFool: ...
TheDorkKnight: We're going to chatzy just to ask whaty ou want for lunch?
RaymooFan: you know there's a bot for that
FoolishFool: ... i... I meant to type bot...
MiraculousMaiden: FoolishFool just jumps into a random chatzy just to ask people waht to have for lunch
TheDorkKnight: And then he's swarmed by people begging him to PLEASE GO TO THIS SUPER COOL REIGEN CHATZY WHERE  HE CAN SOLVE ALL UR PROBLEMZ
FoolishFool: that sounds liek a good idea
MiraculousMaiden: NO YOU FOOL

----------------

MiraculousMaiden: Man
MiraculousMaiden: The more I research about Olympia, the more I'm overwhelmed by how much shit is in there
MiraculousMaiden: there's like a fuckton of maid cafes and video game cafes and internet cafes
MiraculousMaiden: a metric fuckton of restaurants
MiraculousMaiden: and those skyscrapers, for juan's sake, god damn
MiraculousMaiden: its like vegas but in the air
RaymooFan: Wouldn't say that. It's not exactly a tourist trap in the same way Vegas is.
MiraculousMaiden: True...
MiraculousMaiden: Oh yeah, I checked out their mall and I got a flyer for some sort of arcade that's opening later this month
WhiteTortoise: ARCADE?!?
FoolishFool: Wow they're making an arcade? that's kinda bold
MiraculousMaiden: Yeah, its not like they want any CYBERPUNK PINBALL or something but apparently it got the permits and they're scheduled to open later sooo
MiraculousMaiden: nostalgia never dies
TheDorkKnight: Somewhere, out there... Odyssey is intensifying.
RaymooFan: Bold of you to assume he wouldn't be the first in line for that.
TheDorkKnight: I AM bold.
TheDorkKnight: Because Odyssey would already be running the place :V
MiraculousMaiden: I dunno... would he name an arcade "Zap Tap Arcade"?
TheDorkKnight: ...I redact everything. D:

-----------------------

DurianDinosaur: I... I got a package?
MiraculousMaiden: You sound so confused
DurianDinosaur: You would be, too, if you suddenly got a package that wasn't from Amazon and had fancy handwriting on there
DurianDinosaur: It's big, too
DurianDinosaur: I'm kinda scared, not sure who sent this and why they'd send it to me but here goes nothing!
WhiteTortoise: BOX OPENING YAY
DurianDinosaur: Lots of chocolate... Oh no, is it valentine's day already?
DurianDinosaur: Well, either way, that's good
DurianDinosaur: And something wrapped up tight
DurianDinosaur: And I-
DurianDinosaur: ...h-holy shit
DurianDinosaur: HOLY SHIT
RaymooFan: He just got a whole block of gold or something.
MiraculousMaiden: GOLD CHOCOLATE BARS YEAH
DurianDinosaur: ITLSJGKLJ ITS A FUGGIN
DurianDinosaur: SPINO
DurianDinosaur: and there's a note-
DurianDinosaur: ...no way
DurianDinosaur: NOWAYNOWAYNOWAYHOLYSHIT
TheDorkKnight: You're killing us, WHAT IS IT
DurianDinosaur: I got a personal letter from DIADEM FUCKIGN DESPONIA
DurianDinosaur: SHE BOUGTH TEH SPINO JLSGJKLGJLgjf
DurianDinosaur: BUT HOW DID SHE-
BraveCommander: :3c
DurianDinosaur: ...YOU.
BraveCommander: Merry belated Christmas~
DurianDinosaur: fldkjlkjhiogfhjo jTHANK I WILL TREASURE IT FOREVER
DurianDinosaur: BRB SETTING UP A SHRINE TO DIA-
MiraculousMaiden: holy fuck thank dia
RaymooFan: hot fuckin diggity damn
TheDorkKnight: I love it when a good miracle comes together :3

*a flood of Spinosaurus pictures ensue*