A Head Start, Part 1

Another day, another time for clouds to sew themselves up and hide the sun’s warm rays.  Rain poured down from the heavens as if one had angered a weather goddess. People rushed on their way to work with umbrellas in one hand and phones in the other, cars racing by and splashing some with streams of water.

Brandon drummed his pen on his desk idly as he totaled up his budget for the month. His desk wasn’t as messy as it was last time, papers neatly organized in separate piles as his laptop sat in the middle. Pookums laid her fluffy head on his lap as he totaled up his spending and compared it to his income.

When it was all calculated using the magic of math, his eyes widened. The number was not anywhere near the negatives. In fact, it was a nice, fat positive.

Pookums yelped and backed off as Brandon stood up and shouted, “WOO, I DID IT!” Although, his cheers quickly turned into a torrent of “Sorry, sorry, I’m so sorry Pookums, sorryyyy” when Pookums whined at him. He sat back down and gave her plenty of ear scritches as he planned out next month’s budget.

Needless to say, budgeting for the Kuwahawi trip was at the top of his ‘To-Do’ list.

His phone beeped a few times as he worked, catching Pookum’s attention every time. Most of them was Emily talking to him about plans, sharing her frustration over a twenty page paper (“it’s fucking bullshit”), and several pictures of Hannah being cute. Some were just Jacob gushing about his latest crush on a 1958 Plymouth Fury (“isn’t she beautiful?!?”), while others were just David inviting him to DnD.

Of course, Julie had sent him texts, too! “Plz do the needful!” she said. “We still need the cryptid club logo!” she said.

Brandon stopped working on budget issues just to draw some rather elaborate, beautiful flowers growing around the word, “NO” before initialing it and sending the picture over to her.

Aside from her pleading, this day was turning out great-

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Brandon checked his phone again, curious to see what it was this time. Jacob sent him and Emily something… a video?

He tapped on it to watch, and immediately he heard screaming and wailing. There was smoke rising from some of the cars, scorch marks visible on the side of a local auto repair shop. People hid behind cars and buildings, but a beam shot out and phased partway through them, melting whatever material it touched.

After a few seconds of the camera panning everywhere, Brandon heard Jacob say, “Shit’s bad here, really bad! Some fuck decided to pick a fight outside and got this shithead” – the camera panned over to a man in a black hoodie, the tattoos on his hands visible as he fired off lasers with wild abandon – “all riled up. I don’t know what the fuck it was about, but people are getting hurt out here! Already called the crew; they’re working on getting people outta here. Police is on their way, too, but- Shit!” Brandon’s heart seized saw a laser fly out, Jacob raising a hand to block it but getting a nasty burn for his trouble. “Fuck! I’ll… I’ll hold him off, you guys just get over here and do your Kobber thing! We’re counting on you, bros!”

As the video stopped, Brandon stood up and kneeled by Pookums, patting her fluffy head for a bit before standing up and hurrying to get dressed in something other than a crop top and pajamas. It took him about five minutes to get out the door and on his way to the auto shop.

God, his heart was pounding. It was too soon for this Kobber thing to start! He only spoke to a Kobber a grand total of once! His friend’s hurt and other people are getting hurt and oh god why?

Still, though… there was just a hint of excitement in his heart, though.

If this was going to be his life from May to October… then it was better to get some practice here while he still could… right?

Aqua Princess Rita, Issue 1

Welcome to Tara City, a place where dreams come true! Where the air is fresh and the water is clear! The roads are all paved and most of the buildings look like they were inspired by the middle ages. Definitely more chic and modern, but there’s no getting away from their roots of sovereignty! There’s many things do to: biking, window shopping, sleeping, fighting a giant mechanical lizard…

Yep. Even fire-breathing mecha dragons live here in Tara City! Or, at least, this particular one was extra feisty, trying to eat passersby and chow down on an entire convenience store. Oh, who could possibly save Tara City from this menace?

Not Rita Shepard, that’s for sure. She was far too busy making sure a customer didn’t kill her for putting only a single shot of white chocolate in her White Chocolate Mocha and being ESPECIALLY sure to use extra whipped cream and caramel sauce for someone’s Caramel Macchiato. In fact, she was trying to avoid dying altogether, which was rather hard when you are simply one person working as a barista in Tara City of all places.

Fortunately, the line wasn’t too long, and she had all the time in the world now to watch the news as some super handsome Kamen Rider hero swooped in to kick the mechanical fiend. The way they kept their cool in the heat of battle, the way they tanked that fire breath, the way they delivered their one-liner… It just took her breath away. It also didn’t help that they were probably ripped underneath that goofy outfit. How many villains did they bench press to look that good? Ten? Twenty?!

Yes, the masked, handsome, cool, and sexy Kamen Rider was absolutely stunning compared to tall, fat, mousy-looking, dweeby Rita Shepard. The only thing she had going for her was her lovely streaks of gray in her brown hair, and even then, that was more from her job stressing her out than good genes.

One day, though, she wished that maybe, just maybe, she could be a Kamen Rider. Then suddenly she’d become absolutely stunning and deliver one-liners with ease and learn to flirt with men and women alike! But alas, she settled for serving up a nice old lady a cup of lemon ginger tea. That’s a heroic deed, right?

Later that day, Rita returned home to some disturbing news: her cat had gone unfed for the last eight hours, in spite of dry food just sitting there, waiting to be devoured! And when Mr. Kitty was hungry, he was sure to let Rita know.

“BUT YOUR FOOD IS RIGHT THEEEEEEERE” she protested to her master, who merely meowed angrily at her. He would simply not relent, so it was time to open up some wet food. Chicken and gravy flavored mush, Mr. Kitty’s favorite!

After feeding her kind and generous master, Rita poured herself a big bowl of cereal, dumped milk in it, and munched away as she turned on the TV just in time to see… Kamen Rider talking to an interviewer?

“Fighting monsters all alone is a real hassle,” they said in a tone that reminded Rita vaguely of smooth, velvety chocolate. “And honestly, I could use a little… help. So I’m looking for a sidekick to help me out, help lessen the burden a little!”

A fire burned in Rita’s heart. A chance to work with THE Kamen Rider? Like, actually work beside him? And do heroic stuff and maybe scream out “WHAT?!” a couple of times? It was the perfect opportunity, the greatest chance she’d ever get!

…But wait, she needed something. Some magic power or Kamen Belt or something. Did they sell those on Amazon?

So Rita spent most of the night hunting down these secrets on the internet before passing out in a heap on the couch, Mr. Kitty jumping on top of her and making sure his favorite butler was okay.

The next day, Rita’s scouring Tara City in the hopes of finding some ancient artifact to give her ultimate power. Amazon has yielded nothing, and the auditions are tonight! Or at least, that’s what her reliable sources told her. She bumbled into hat shops and tried on a million hats. She stumbled into antique stores and grabbed a pocket watch that she thought would let her control time, but that $5k price tag was not something she was going to afford, ever. She even went to a javalina farm!

Fucker bit her finger, and she didn’t even get javalina powers from it. What a ripoff!

Her last stop was at a mysterious store named “Oracle’s Cranny”. She always passed this place on the way to work, and it always smelled of patchouli. Inside were a definite wealth of crystals advertised to heal ailments, essential oil cocktails said to soothe the soul, and maybe a mantis or two. They certainly looked magical to Rita’s untrained eye, so it was all a matter of touching everything and saying magic words under her breath.

After grabbing her fifth crystal and yelling out, “I SUMMON YOU, WHITE DRAGON!” the owner came out from behind the counter, staring at her with icy blue eyes. Rita quickly put the crystal down and smiled meekly, shuffling towards the door.

Then, the elderly owner asked, “You desire power?”

Rita stared back into those icy blue eyes and shivered. “Yeah?”

“For what purpose?” Rita could see the silvery hairs behind that mysterious purple robe, and wondered if she was actually speaking to a wizard.

“Because I want to be a hero like Kamen Rider! Why else?”

“Hm.”

Rita stared at the owner as she headed back behind the counter and opened a drawer. She pulled out a necklace, a brilliant blue gem hanging off one end in the shape of a teardrop. The owner walked back towards her and slipped it around Rita’s neck, then stared right back at her.

“Should your intentions be pure,” she said slowly, holding up a finger and pointing at Rita’s heart, “you will find the power you seek. Heroism merely for the sake of playing hero, however, is hardly heroism at all. You would do best to remember that.”

Honestly, Rita wasn’t sure what she meant by all that, but she said, “Thanks!” Then, after a moment’s deliberation, she asked, “So, uh, I owe you how much?”

The woman smiled and replied, “Your companionship alone would be enough, if you would not mind.”

Visiting some weird lady instead of paying thousands of dollars for a magical artifact? Sold! After promising to visit her on a regular basis, Rita rushed off to the sidekick auditions, ready to kick ass and take names!

The auditions were held in the beautiful Grand Tara Park, the sidekicks already posing under cherry blossom trees for the camera people. They were absolutely eating this up, taking more photos and video than they could ever need in the hopes that they’ll get a fantastic shot. Even Kamen Rider was posing along, the flash reflecting off his bug-like red eyes.

Rita stood in a looong line of people trying to apply, watching as each one before her showed off their moves. Kamen Rider nodded his head and watched them carefully before waving them off. Rita was surprised he didn’t seem to like Mr. Stretchyarms Mcgee with his goofy antics, or Mr. Sparkleman and his roar as he charged up an energy ball and threw it up in the air. It exploded into the shape of a giraffe, too! Honestly, she’d work under Mr. Sparkleman. He’s good people.

One by one, the line went down, and sure enough… it was Rita’s turn. She rubbed her hands together and prepared to unleash the most wondrous thing ever done! Sure, she forgot to actually ask the lady how to work this thing, but if she wished really, really hard, it’d work! Right?

She held up her hands for just two seconds before Kamen Rider shook their head and said, “Mmmmmnah, no, you’re not really fit for this sort of thing.”

Rita was taken off-guard, taking a step back as she said, “But I didn’t even do anything yet!”

“And I can already tell you’re going to be a disaster for my publicity.” Kamen Rider yawned as they added, “I mean, I can’t be seen with anyone who doesn’t know what they’re doing. The public would start questioning my abilities as a hero and a mentor, and I simply can’t let that happen.”

“Again, I didn’t even do anythi-“

Kamen Rider sighed. “Exactly! I don’t even know you! At least with the others, they have some sort of profile, some sort of presence in the city! They can actually do something! Meanwhile, you are known by how many people? Have YOU done anything to protect the city recently? Hm? Have you?”

Rita clenched her fist and growled, ignoring the loud thumping coming from far away. “As a matter of fact, yes!” she said. “I saved college students from the deep dark depths of despair! I’ve spared others from the wrath of caffeine-deprived businessmen! I serve coffee, which saves the lives of many from… from… from all sorts of things! So THERE!”

“Oh, boo hoo, you serve coffee to grandma every morning,” Kamen Rider said after yawning again. Rita’s cheeks were burning red as they continued, “Listen, we’re talking about actual heroics! Like saving a princess from an evil wizard! Like fighting off an army of demons! And you have done absolutely NOT-“

A large shadow was cast on the two of them, prompting both to look up out of curiosity. And there it was: another giant, mechanical dragon, now with twice the anger that the other one had!

Kamen Rider dived out of the way as the fiend launched a fireball, setting the grass around them on fire. Rita backed off and waved her arms, hoping her new necklace would do something. Unfortunately, it didn’t, so she backed off before the flames decided to leap at her and set her favorite dress on fire. She could only watch as Kamen Rider smashed their fist into the dragon’s nostrils once, twice, three times in succession, then deliver their trademark RIDER KIIIIICK!

The dragon was hardly impressed and smacked him away with one hand. Kamen Rider landed on their feet before jumping high into the air and delivering an uppercut to the dragon’s jaw, forcing it to stagger back. He dodged fireballs and claws with ease now as the crowds of people cheered him on. His fists glowed a bright yellow as they fired off an energy blast right into the dragon’s nose, then jumped up to punch it in one of its eyes. Of course, the explosion was cool enough for Kamen to take advantage and pose for a picture. They were being just too cool.

Meanwhile, here Rita was, doing absolutely nothing but waving her arms and muttering incantations to no avail. She frowned as each and every attempt failed to make the crystal do anything, anything at all, until she simply stopped trying and pouted near a tree. She wondered- no, she knew that Kamen was right. She wasn’t much of anything, and she didn’t do any heroics, no matter how much she wanted to. All she was… all she’d ever be was some coffee barista. Just big, fat, stupid ol’ Rita, compared to strong, handsome, heroic Kamen Rider.

In the chaos of the fight, the fire spread outwards around the park. She could already hear the sound of a firetruck headed their way, but it’d be hard for them to get here safely with a mechadragon in the way. It got close to a bystander, a cute little girl no older than 9 who was recording Kamen Rider from afar. She backed away from the fire, trying not to get burned but also trying to take the perfect video of Kamen Rider, up until she tripped backwards on a rock. She crawled back, but the fire was advancing faster and faster…

Rita saw that she might not escape. The fire was almost on top of her. Kamen Rider was too busy fighting this dragon to save this girl.

She didn’t have anything on her resume about heroics… but there was no better time than now.

“I’VE GOT YOU!” she shouted as she dived right in, grabbing the girl and running to a safer place from the flames. She could feel the girl shiver in her arms, clutching her phone tightly to her chest and sniffling loudly. She set the girl down and patted her on the head as she asked, “Hey, are you okay? You didn’t hurt yourself too bad?” The girl shook her head. “Good! I’ll keep you safe, then! No fire’s going to hurt you on my watch, okay?”

The girl looked up at her, then down at her phone. Then back to her before she nodded and hid behind her. The flames haven’t stopped, but Rita was determined to find a way out of it. There must be a safer place to wait for the firemen. The sidekicks didn’t seem to have anyone among them that could put out fires. And of course, she couldn’t do anything. So maybe they had to rely on Kamen Rider?

Damn it. If only she could do something…!

Then, the crystal began to glow a brilliant blue. Rita wondered if she was about to get some new duds in a second… but alas, that was too much to ask for. She did feel more powerful, somehow. Curious, she held up her arms and muttered an incantation…

Much to her surprise, she shot out jets of water, dousing the flames closest to her. She heard the girl gasp in delight, and she knew… She knew exactly what to do. She waggled a finger, conjuring a small orb of water. It grew and grew in size as she focused harder and harder, then it launched itself at the flames and burst like a bubble, dousing all the fires at once and making it rain just a little bit.

Rita smirked, proud of her accomplishment for a few minutes before she heard a loud THUNK and the sound of cheers. Kamen Rider defeated yet another mechanical dragon and was probably about to deliver another cool one-liner, as per usual. All attention was on him now as he posed dramatically for all the cameras.

The crowd would never notice her accomplishment. They were all gobbling up whatever nonsense Kamen Rider was putting out there. At least she had her first fan: a little girl who recorded all the cool things she did! And for now, that was enough.

When she returned home, Rita remembered Kamen’s words…

Then, she said, “Well, if I haven’t done enough for them, I’m just gonna have to do enough to catch their attention! I’ll save more little girls from fires and cats from trees and all that other good heroic stuff! And then… and then I’ll be just like him! Except without the nasty attitude. I think.”

Full of hope, Rita went to bed, ready to brainstorm how to get recognition from Kamen Rider…

…Step number one, though? Make up a cool hero name.

 -------------------------------------------

(At the end of the chapter, there is a small comic about Rita wondering what her power could be. She wondered if she could get magnetism, if only to face another magnetism guy and shout, 'Hi there, I'm Rita Repulsa! > :D '

There is a comment below from the author, thanking everyone for their support. 

"Look forward to the next installment, guys~!

With love, 

B.C.")

Striking Gold

Waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Time ticked by as Brandon waited in a nice, cushy waiting room in the middle of a hotel. It was noisy, full of tourists and businesspeople coming in and out of the doors and trying to talk over the TVs blaring SNN and CNN at the same time. He fidgeted with a bottle cap as some of them passed him by, trying to keep from staring at them like a deer in headlights. It wasn’t too hot at all, but he pulled out a handkerchief just to wipe down the sweat forming on his brow.

As his hand began to tremble, he took a deep breath and tried to hold it in. One, two, three, four... and out. Again, and again, and again. After the fifth time, he dug into his messenger bag and pulled out a notepad, labeled “To-Do Lists”, before flipping to today’s list.

Fed and walked Pookums? Check. Paid back Pyrokinetic guy? Check. Got milk and eggs for cookies later? Oh, hell yes! Took his meds?

Oh.

All the idle chatter and talk suddenly became louder and more irritating as Brandon frantically searched his bag for his meds. God, I KNEW I forgot something! he thought, sweat dripping down his brow. Of course it had to be my meds, of course! No wonder I’m a goddamn mess before a meeting goddamn it why do I even bother I can’t even-

Fortunately, he found his pill case rather quickly, so all there was left to do was get some water and voila! Another task, completed!

Brandon sat back down, just a little less anxious now that he remembered something and pulled out a copy of Kamen Rider Hime to pass the time. The noises slowly became softer and softer as each and every page entranced him, until the world around him meant nothing.

“Um, Mr. Carter?”

Just as he reached the last riveting page, a voice called out to him, startling him right out of his trance. Brandon turned towards the voice, embarrassed as he hid the comic back in his messenger bag and said, “U-um, yes, that’s me! C-can I help you?”

The lanky secretary adjusted his hoodie and stared at Brandon for a moment before he said, “Well, Sam- I mean, Ms. Goddard would like to see you now.”

“Oh, thank you! Lead the way!”

Not that there was much way TO lead. It was just a straight shot to the hotel conference room, complete with super cushy chairs that were calling out to Brandon like a siren song. The room was big enough to fit an entire football team and then some. So it was more than a little awkward, sitting at one end of the table with only one other person here. Oh, and the secretary, but he was kind of standing there. Awkwardly.

The chair at the end was turned away from him. All that anxiety came rushing back all at once. This was exactly how all the business meetings his parents dragged him to start: chair facing away, man slowly turning towards them, a fake smile plastered on his face. His parents, staring right at him and hiding all their unreachable expectations behind the same fake smile. All of them, waiting for him to make the first sales pitch, to dive off that fifty feet high diving board into a pool of sharks.

What made it worse was that this was no ordinary businessman. No, this was a Kobber. A hero. A legend. They would no doubt have even higher expectations than any normal businessperson would. God, if he fucked up here…

His heart stopped as the chair turned towards him slowly…

“YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

He stared at the businesswoman waving her arms around and shooting sparks out of her hands like she was celebrating someone’s birthday rather than hosting a business meeting. Even more surprising, he was certain that she was just about his age, rather than a big ol’ stuffy businessman hoarding stocks and watching Wall Street like a hawk.

Ms. Goddard spun her chair around one more before she sat upright and said, “I mean, hi! I heard you have a bit of a problem that I could mmmmaaaybe solve?”

If you can punch out my memories of BAD THINGS like JASON and JOSH, that’d be a GREAT start to our business relationship, was Brandon’s first thought, but instead of blurting that out like a complete dope, he instead settled for, “Ah, yes, of course! J-just a moment…”

“Sure, broski! Take all the time you need!”

Thankful for Ms. Goddard’s generous offer, Brandon took a deep breath and said, “Well, I’ve admired the Kobbers from up close and afar for years now. I’ve been a big fan since they first arrived in 2011, and they’ve done really incredible work since then. They’ve been a big inspiration for me, and well, I just-“

Get to the point, you idiot, he thought. You’re just adding fluff! Just say it!

“I, uh, um…”

He was that child again, struggling to get the words out as his parents and the businessman watched him with growing disappointment. Too scared to make the dive. He wished his meds would kick in now, as the air around him grew cold and his hands clutched at his pant legs tightly.

“I…”

The sighs. The shameful headshake. The unimpressed look. He could remember it all too well how his voice trembled, how his eyes stung with tears, how his heart nearly burst out of his chest. So much bumbling and fluff until he finally got the words out, and somehow managed to live through the encounter. He remembered leaving the room with the tiniest bit of relief-

“Oh, dear. My sweet dear… Why can’t you learn from your brother? He would have been more composed and coherent. You should ask him for help next time.”

The words echoed in his mind. Everything felt so cold now. His throat hurts, his eyes hurt, everything hurt-

Brandon suddenly snapped back to reality as Ms. Goddard shouted, “Oh fuck, shit, are you okay?!”

The room was still the same was it was a few minutes ago. The only difference was that Ms. Goddard was suddenly at his side, a worried look plastered all over her face.

Guilt overtook him as he admitted, “N-no, I’m not. I’m… I’m not good at these sorts of things, so I kind of… I need a moment, Miss… uh…”

“Bro, just call me Sammy!” Sammy said, waving off Brandon’s attempts at formality. “I’m not some guy on Wall Street! That’s Draco’s- No, wait, that’s more Parsee’s job! Don’t think of this like some business meeting, think of it as… Uh…” She turned towards the secretary, sparks flying from her ponytail as she asked, “Yo, Mikey, what CAN we call this?”

Mikey flinched and held out his hands as he replied, “Hey, don’t ask me! You’re the college grad!”

“Just because I graduated doesn’t mean I don’t fuckin’ suck at words!” Sammy retorted before she turned towards Brandon and said, “Well, whatever! Fuck formality, you’re my friend now! And we’re gonna do the frandly things and talk about things and…” She paused for a moment and turned to Mikey as she asked, “Hey, give our new dufe some water! He needs some.”

“On it!”

Brandon barely squeaked out a “Thank you” as Mikey got a glass and filled it with water. Water that came out of his hands and was kind of lukewarm, but water, nonetheless. He took a couple of sips and set it aside, then looked at Sammy’s and Mikey’s smiling faces.

This wasn’t anything like those old meetings. That truth alone gave Brandon the courage to speak up again.

“Weird, super awkward panic attack aside,” Brandon continued as Sammy took a seat beside him and nodded, “The main issue is that the Kobbers, well, they’re moving to Kuwahawi. They’re moving to a resort town IN Kuwahawi. It’s going to be expensive, and I just wanted to ask… could you somehow pull some strings and maybe, maybe get me some discounts for all-inclusive stuff? I’m willing to do just about anything to make it happen. Even if that means sacrificing myself to a volcano god at the end.”

Brandon watched as Sammy adjusted her glasses and rubbed her chin, squinting her eyes hard as she thought. It probably wasn’t the first time someone asked about something like this. Hell, how many Kobber fans were just harassing Jonesy and Sine for a chance to see their heroes in action? Certainly, some average shmuck like him didn’t even stand a chance… right?

After a few minutes, she gave him a serious look and asked, “Why do you want to visit the Kobbers? It isn’t most people’s idea of a vacation, ‘especially with the shit they see. But you’re dead set on it. Why?”

There wasn’t a hint in hesitation nor a hint of anxiety as he replied, “To change.” Sammy raised an eyebrow, curious. Brandon took a deep breath and continued, “I’ve noticed something in all the years I’ve watched the Kobbers do their thing. Anyone who gets involves with them always leave a changed person. They always experience some sort of personal growth, find some sort of insight that some people might not even find in a normal life. The experience… it changes them for the better.

And if it can change extraordinary people like Sarah and Shimmer… then I’m sure the experience will change someone like me, too.”

Sammy’s expression didn’t change at all. For a brief moment, Brandon wondered if he had fucked up somewhere before she broke into a smile that could light up the whole room.

“Now THAT’S what I wanna hear!” she said cheerfully. “You already sound like a Kobber, so fuck it, I’ll do it! I’ll get you those discounts. Fuck it, I’ll get you TWO discounts! Bein’ a Kobber ain’t fun without a friend to do shit with, ya know?” Brandon was already starting to scream internally even before she added, “I’m gonna get the best shit ever for you guys and have you set up for life! Or at least for as long as the Kobbers chill in Kuwahawi!”

Brandon wanted to squeal so badly, but he knew as well as anyone that there’s no such thing as a free lunch. “And in exchaaange, you waaaant…?” he asked, praying it wasn’t something like ‘suddenly own an Arcade’ or ‘become a janitor’.

“Bro, dude, man. Carter dudemanbro. Fuck, I don’t even know your first name, what was it again?”

“B-Brandon, Miss Go- I mean Sam.”

“Right, Brandon!” Sammy slid her arm around Brandon’s shoulder, which was a little awkward because her arms were a bit… short. “So I did a little background check, because I don’t give discounts to hardcore criminals and shit. And boy, did I hit some good shit on LinkedIn!”

Brandon broke into a sweat. She didn’t call his old jobs, did she? God, if she heard he got fired from a Toys R Us of all places! She pulled out her phone and pulled up the profile, scrolling through it with a finger.

“Graduated Summa Cum Laude at NYU- holy shit that’s my ol’ romping grounds before I transferred, holy fuck that’s amazing- working as a freelance editor and owner of a knitted goods Etsy shop AND some artsy commission shit… worked pretty much every chance you got, too, with you startin’ at 16! And you’re just a year older than me, too! So lemme tell you what I’m gonna do!” She soon changed the page, then held out her phone when she opened up a new site. “You recognize this, right?”

Brandon had to squint a little, but there was no doubt in his mind about what it was. “That’s the Kobber Blogger! Looks like Dia updated the background a bit and made it mobile friendly, but…” He looked up at Sammy and raised an eyebrow as he asked, “What about it?”

“You know Kuwahawi’s not 100% urban, right? It’s more like, fuckin, I dunno, 10%? The blog ain’t accessible to 90% of the people who even live there!” Sparks flew from Sammy’s hands as she continued, “So, tell me, how do you get Kobbery news over to people who don’t have an internet connection, aside from word of mouth?”

“That’s easy, isn’t it?” Brandon said with a chuckle. “You write a newspa-“

The words died in his throat as the realization hit him. It took a minute for him to say anything, not helped by Sammy’s gigantic grin. She was reminding him way too much of Emily. Emily, but all business.

“Y-you’re serious about this?”

Sammy continued to grin as she said, “Damn straight! I gotta pass the idea over to Dia, but knowing her, I bet she’d love having help! It’s tough work, running a news blog all by herself, so a little helping hand’s in order! So what do you say: you in or nah?”

As Sammy held out her hand, Brandon grasped it and gave her a firm handshake, his eyes sparkling with excitement. “I’m all in! Thank you, thank you, thank you so very much for everything! I-I promise I won’t let you down! Gosh, how can I even repay you for all this, this is just a dream come true and-“

Mikey smiled as he chimed in with, “For starters, how about showing us around? Sammy hasn’t been here since 2011 and I’ve been here never. And we could use something to eat.”

“LIKE DONUTS!” Sammy shouted at the top of her lungs. “Oh, man, is that donut place near the NYU still open?! Like, dufe, I could kill for a Boston Crème right now!”

The hype Sammy was emitting was rubbing off on Brandon, especially at the mention of donuts. It took all the effort he could muster NOT to drool on his suit!

“As a matter of fact, it is! I can take you there, if you-“

“MOTHERFUCKIN HEEEELLL YEAAAAAH”

As the three headed out, Brandon’s heart swelled with hope and joy. He took a chance, and god, did he strike gold! There was still two months to go, two more months to save up- after all, even with discounts, a resort trip isn’t cheap for two people. He was sure, though, that he’d get through it just fine, especially with Sammy and Mikey showering him in encouragement.

When it was finally time to hit the hay, all he could do was try to imagine the look on Emily’s face when he could finally share the news.

The Cryptid Club, Finale

World Creature Wars was a comedy of errors from start to finish, a bootleg that tried so hard to copy the magic of Zoofights since their rise to fame. Their tournaments did not nearly bring in enough fans to generate steady profits, nor did their merch catch the attention of tourists. Who would want plushies of pigeons with laser shotguns for heads when they could have a full-sized sculpture of Playing Mantis in their living room? Even after Zoofights had long stopped, it took a change in scenery and leadership for them to become the pinnacle of monster mashes.

So it was no wonder that their Manhattan labs were absolutely abandoned, with no security to guard the secrets hidden in the depths.

As the group entered the facilities, Emily and David switched their phone flashlights on, revealing the grimy, rusting steel walls, the blown out lights, and two signs pointing towards different labs: The Organic Surgoneering Ward to the right, and the Cybernetic Ward to the left. Water dripped from the ceiling, startling David as a single drop touched his nose. The whole place reeked of something foul, something like meat that sat around in the freezer for far too long.

“I-is it okay if I start to have second thoughts?” David asked as he cowered behind Hannah when another drop of water dripped onto his head. “This place is probably full of esoteric stuff BUT it could also be filled with ghosts. And bugs. And ghost bugs. I don’t like ghost bugs.”

Julie shot him a glare and yelled, “Oh, wasn’t it YOUR suggestion that we hunt for the esoteric? What kind of Cryptid hunter are you if you’re afraid of bugs and ghosts?!”

“Not ALL Cryptids are bugs! Like… like Bigfoot! Bigfoot is a nice choice. Why couldn’t we go to Jersey and hunt for that, instead?”

“Yo, man,” Emily said, crossing her arms and frowning at David, “if you didn’t want to come in here, you could have just said no.”

David held up his hands, flustered. “I-I mean, um, I thought it would be less, uh, um…”

“Like a horror movie waiting to happen?” Hannah piped up cheerfully, pulling out another bag of chips to chow down on. “It is pretty creepy, you know! And it even has a branching path!”

“And that’s why I suggest we all stick-“

“-that we all SPLIT UP, right~?” Julie said with glee. “We’ll explore more and find the esoteric little buggers faster! We all have phones for a reason, riiiiight?”

The color drained straight out of David’s face as he replied, “No, that’s a terrible idea. I watched enough horror movies to know where this is going.”

“Aaactually…” If David could turn any whiter, Emily could have sworn he would have become a ghost as Brandon spoke up, a timid smile on his face. “I think it’s a good idea! This place isn’t really too big, and Julie has a point: we do have phones! As for the teams…”

Emily saw Julie scooting slowly over to Brandon with a sly smile that reminded her of a fox before it snags a chicken and runs off with the goods.  She saw Brandon cast a worried look over at her before turning back and forth between Julie, David, and Hannah. Her blood boiled as Julie hardly waited for an answer, reaching out-

Without even thinking, she grabbed Julie by the shoulders, wrapped her arm around her, and grinned like a shark as she said, “Yo, best friend, how ‘bout we go be best friends in the Cyber-somethin’ Ward? Gotta promote that dank best friendliness, best friend.”

Each word was dripping with so much malice, Hannah dropped her chips in surprise. No doubt she could see what Emily was really thinking. She was glad Hannah didn’t blurt it out, because the shocked look Brandon was giving her was already bad enough.

“Uhm, give me twooooo seconds to talk to Emily here for a moment,” he said in-between nervous laughter. “Emily kind of gets ahead of herself sometimes, you know? Ahahaha...” Then, he pried Emily right off of Julie, dragged her to a corner, and whispered in her ear, “A-are you sure that’s okay? You already hate Julia’s guts!”

“Damn right I do.”

That certainly didn’t inspire confidence in the least, judging from Brandon’s panicked expression. “Then why’d you offer?!? Seriously, I can go with her, and you can go be cute with Hannah and David! We’d still have someone who can actually fight on each team, and-“

Emily scowled at him in defiance and hissed, “I offered because she’s clearly stepping in your personal space and making you uncomfortable, bro! You think I’d let her get away with that?!”

Brandon stared at her, opening and closing his mouth several times as the words he wanted to speak simply didn’t come. Finally, he sighed, grasping Emily’s hand tightly in his as he looked at her and said, “If you’re sure, then… I can’t really stop you anyway, can I? Just… don’t get into too much trouble.” Afterwards, he hurried over to David and Hannah and brought them in for a big hug as he said cheerfully, “Looks like we’re touring the Organics Ward together, guys!”

As Hannah cheered and David shuddered at the thought of seeing big battle bugs, Brandon added, “Make sure to keep an eye on your phones, guys. We’ll text if we see anything esoteric, okay?”

 The trio set off for the right side of the labs, Emily giving them a thumbs up as they disappeared into the darkness. When they were out of sight, Em turned her full attention to Julie, who was glowering at her with the fury of a million stars.

“Oh, wonderful, I’m stuck with you,” she said, as bitter as a cup of espresso.

“Feeling’s mutual, best friend,” Emily replied with a shark-like grin as she grabbed Julie and dragged her to the Cybernetics Ward.

 The girls were quiet as they walked down the corridor, passing by desks covered with smudged, illegible notes and enough dust to make Emily sneeze. Faded posters of WCW champions lined the walls around the ward, motivational notes scribbled at the bottom of each one by the mysterious ‘M.C.’. There were several smaller rooms with pods that have been long since abandoned, and a small break room with a coffee pot home to more mold than either girl cared to look at for more than a second.

 After a few minutes, they managed to reach the end of the hallway. There was a giant door, with the words “AUTHORIZED PERSONEL ONLY” written in big, red letters. A keypad was on the left side of the door, most of the buttons worn down and barely readable. As Emily walked over, ready to deal with the door her own way, Julie hurried in front of her and glared.

“Move, bi- best friend,” Emily said through gritted teeth. “I got this.”

“Oh, and have you set off the alarm and make me look like a total dunce?” Julia snapped back. “How about you leave it up to someone like me, hm?” She turned towards the keypad and inspected it from every angle as she continued, “Besides, opening it should be a breeze if I find out the passcode! All I have to do is find out which buttons are the most worn out, just like in the movies!”

All the buttons look worn as hell, you dumbass, Emily thought as she watched Julie press a few numbers and the asterisk key. When the doors didn’t open dramatically and reveal the truth beyond, Julie tried another set of numbers. Then another. And another. Her palms started to sweat as she typed in “2011*”, to no avail.

“If… if it’s not that, then it’s 2012!” Julie declared as she attempted the passcode again. Nothing. “Th-then it’s definitely 2013!” Nothing. “2014? 2015? 2016?!? Those are the most worn numbers, so why isn’t it working?!?”

After watching Julie’s attempts for far too long, Emily yawned and backed up, loosening up her shoulders a bit before she rushed at the door with a shoulder tackle. The door flew wide open, slamming into the wall and scaring Julie out of her wits.

“And that,” Emily said, dusting herself off and putting her hands in her pockets, “is how it’s done.”

She didn’t wait for Julie to stop gawking at her in fear that some alarm was gonna go off. If it hasn’t yet, it never will, Emily figured. She just walked right in, holding up her phone to get a good look at the room. There were several computers lined up in the wall in front of her, all the monitors shut off from disuse. A surgical table sat in the middle of the room, a tray of surgical tools still caked with blood sitting on a stand next to it. Welding and electrical equipment was scattered around the room, although Emily had no clue whether or not they were still working. And on the very far end, there were several chambers lined up, each with a designation like “GBXL-175” or “RC-300-C”.

 Emily walked over to examine the chambers a little more closely when she heard Julie yell, “Oh, break down a door without warning! That gets you everywhere, doesn’t it, you little brute? It’s not like there could have been an alarm or anything!”

 She whirled on Julia and snapped, “And you’re saying you wouldn’t have, with all your pin code fuckups?! Dude, it’s a fucking abandoned lab! Nobody’s payin’ for security anymore! Nobody but fucks like us would even think of coming in here!”

“And you think that excuses just rushing in and being all ‘teehee’ about it?” Julie flicked her black hair back and huffed. “And to think, a nice boy like Brandon has to deal with a brainless brute like you. You must be such a handful with your bad temper.”

In an instant, Emily lunged at Julie and grabbed her by the collar of her gaudy clothes, a vein threatening to pop out of her forehead. “The fuck did you say, you bitch?!” she said. “I didn’t fuckin’ catch that the first time!”

“Oh, there you go, proving my point exactly!” Julie tsked with a sneer. “You get so violent at any moment, just like the old guard Kobbers! It’s a miracle Brandon even hangs out with you. After all, he seems a bit too sweet to be hanging out with a brute like you!”

The urge to break Julie’s face was so strong, but Emily fought against it. Not now. Not today. She gave him her word. To break that trust now…

She grit her teeth and let Julie go as she growled, “Better he hangs out with me than some bitch like you.”

SLAP.

Emily staggered backwards into one of the control panels for the chambers, hand holding her cheek as Julia looked down on her like an ant.

“You actually think for a second that you’re better than me?” she asked coldly. “You don’t even come close. I am the president of a club and a brilliant actress, someone who accomplished so much and leads with confidence! And what are you? You’re nothing, that’s what. You haven’t founded a club. You haven’t starred in a play. You are just a little no-name on campus, nobody worth mentioning. You have no right to say ANYTHING to me, never mind all your disrespect. So how about you shut up and let me handle everything, hm?”

Emily’s blood boiled as Julie sneered at her again. Then, for a moment, Julie had that look of realization. She slapped her forehead and said, “Oh, whoops! Looks like I outright disrespected you! However will I get the logo for my club now?” She laughed it off, then leaned on another control panel casually. “Oh, it’s not like he has to know about this. Then again, you started it… I’m sure he’ll understand why I got so frustrated in dealing with you! Ohohohohoho!”

She held back tears of anger and the urge to scream at Julie and punch the ever-loving shit out of her. And for a moment, she wondered if she could get away with it just like Julie could pretend the conversation never happened. If she just slapped her really, really hard instead of breaking her nose-

Her thoughts were cut off as she heard a loud whirrr, coming from behind the chamber closest to Julia.  The door opened slowly, piquing Julie’s curiosity as she took a peek inside.

Thump. Thump. THUMP.

Julie shrieked and immediately hid behind Emily as a massive chicken squeezed its way through the door, steel bending and walls crumbling as it forced its bulk on through. When it was freed, it towered over the two, looking down on them with one glowing, red laser eye. Its wings were plated with metal, and there was a microwave built into its torso.

All Emily could really think of as Julie cowered behind her were two thing.

One: Dollar Store Murducken. It didn’t even have the muscly arms! WCW fuckin’ skimped out on this one like the losers they really were.

And two?

Thank FUCK I can actually PUNCH this fuck in the face!

“Hold my phone for me,” she said as she handed her phone to Julie, grinning ear to ear. “I got work I gotta do!”

Julie looked at her as if she were ready to jump off the top of the Empire State Building. “What?! You can’t possibly try fighting that thing ALONE!”

“WATCH ME, BITCH!”

The chicken’s laser eye glowed for two seconds before firing off a laser beam at Emily. She rolled out of the way and pulled out the pipe she saved just for this occasion, jumping on top of the surgeoneering table and leaping up to try to smack the beast in the face. It held up a steel-covered wing, her pipe bouncing right off and leaving only a tiny dent. It whirled around and slapped Emily with the other hard enough to send her flying into a computer screen. Undeterred, she got back on her feet and tried again, smashing it harder against the wing’s steel plates and seeing just how much damage she could do.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t doing much. She narrowly dodged another laser beam coming for her, ducking right under it before rolling over towards Julia. She shot her a glare and asked, “Yo, you just gonna stand there or are you gonna B.C. and pals know what the fuck is up?”

“Excuse me?!” Julia snapped. “I don’t even know your passcode! How am I supposed to contact them?”

“Oh.” As the chicken charged up another laser, Emily grabbed Julie and rushed out of the room just before it launched. Where it hit, it left scorch marks, melting bits of wall where it struck. A second later and they would have been toast. Hastily, Emily slammed the door shut, then unlocked her phone, handing it back to Julia as she hissed, “Alright, get typing already! And make it quick; that fuck’s about to chase us any minute now!”

“And whose fault is that?” Julia huffed, typing at speeds Emily could hardly understand. “I’m not the one who stupidly tried to fight a giant chicken with a pipe!”

“You got any better ideas?”

Julia opened her mouth to speak before she closed it and typed even faster on Emily’s phone. Did she even hit the send button yet? There wasn’t much time to deliberate, though, as something THUMP, THUMPed on the door separating them from certain death. One last THUMP, and the chicken’s beak pecked right through the door, screeching loud enough to make Emily’s ears ring. That breath was something awful, too; smelled like Death’s doorstep with a side of sewage.

Emily seized the moment to smash its beak in with her pipe, the beast reeling back and clucking in pain. If nothing else, it bought her some time to drag Julia into the break room they passed and shut the door. She could hear the sound of a laser beam melting right through something, and the thunderous footsteps of the feathered fiend.

She cursed under her breath, damning her inability to do much of anything at the moment. Damn thing was huge and had those weird metal plates on its wings. If it kept using those as shields, then she’d have a hard time doing damage. The microwave looked like a good weak point, but if it was anything like Murducken, that microwave could activate and melt her pipe and arm right off. The eye? Maybe?! Then again, it could blast her just as easily as the microwave could melt her.

After deliberating on something far too long for her liking, she heard a ding. She looked over at Julie expectantly and asked, “The message went through, didn’t it? Did B.C. send something?”

Julie raised an eyebrow and replied, “No, he didn’t! Not YET at least!”

“Wait, if that wasn’t B.C…. Then what the fuck was that noise?”

“It sounded like a microwa-“

The two girls exchanged looks before looking at the door, feeling an angry gaze upon them. Emily swore under her breath as she flipped over a steel table and hid behind it with Julie as several fireballs burned through the door and soared above their heads. Emily swore as the table endured the onslaught, steadily melting into a pile of goop until the fires stopped. The chicken stuck its head inside, trying to reach in and peck at the duo. Fortunately for them, its neck just wasn’t long enough to reach in completely.

Annoyed, Emily grabbed a steel folding chair and slammed it on its face over and over until it pulled its head back and charged another beam, focused on the remnants of the table that Julie was still cowering behind.

“THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU IDIOT?” she yelled as Julie stared death right in the face. “RUN!”

When it was all too obvious that Julie was paralyzed with fear, Emily dived in, grabbed her, and then tossed her out of range before the laser fired out. It ripped through Emily’s right shoulder, Emily cringing as the smell of burnt flesh hit her harder than a monster truck. She wasn’t going to let that curb her anger, though, as she grabbed another steel chair and hurled it at its face.

Unfortunately, it grew tired of Emily’s face-smashing antics and smacked the chair away with a wing. Well, it was worth a shot! Emily glared daggers at the chicken, standing in front of it like a knight facing off with a gargantuan dragon. Julie was absolutely useless with her wailing and crying, and it would be a bit before the others got here. So it was time to do what Emily did best.

Whack it with a pipe.

She swung and swung and swung as much as her arms would let her, ignoring the searing pain in her right shoulder and how her blows weren’t doing much of anything. This thing was several times her own size, shooting lasers from its eyes, stomping around with its stupid chicken feet, and launching barrages of fireballs from its microwave torso. But damn it, she was not going to let this thing kill her, or David, or Hannah, and not little crybaby Julie over here, either.

Once, she thought she couldn’t be a Kobber. She wasn’t strong enough. She didn’t have any special powers. She had no ties to any different universes, she wasn’t a robot, she wasn’t anything. Just like Julie said, she was nobody, nothing but a plain girl who did punk girl things.

But…

“You think there’s nothing special enough to make you like the Kobbers, but there is! There is something, I know it! The way you keep trying over and over, even when you’ve failed so many times, even when things look impossible to overcome… That determination is what makes you JUST like the Kobbers, Em!”

She remembered his voice. It was wobbly, cracking a lot in spots it shouldn’t have back then. But those words gave her confidence in a darker, uncertain time. They bust open a door of possibilities she thought had closed on her forever.

That’s right, Emily thought as she slammed her pipe right into the chicken’s toes. I’ve got determination in spades! Who the fuck does THIS chickenshit think he is, thinking they can stop ME?!?

A fire lit up in Emily’s heart, even as flames seared her skin and powerful wing slaps bruised her body. No matter how hard this monster tried to push her down, she got back up and kept swinging. It wasn’t nearly enough to take it down, but even Julie could see what used to be a small dent on its wing the size of her palm become one bigger than her torso, ready to cave in. Emily was an absolute mess with burns and bruises Julie could hardly keep track of, exhausted from all the acrobatics she had to do to avoid getting outright killed. But even exhaustion wasn’t stopping her.

As the chicken reared back, Emily stood steadfast as she glared at it and yelled, “Is that all you got, chickenshit?!? Is that it? You think that’s enough to stop me?! Now I can see why you didn’t even get seeded in their Vegas Tournament: You fucking SUCK!”

If Julie wasn’t worried already, she was now as the chicken screeched, its laser eye pointed right at Emily.

“YEAH, THAT’S IT! COME AT ME, BRO!  COME AT ME!”

 Her voice was trembling. Her body was shaking, ready to collapse. She might actually die. But she refused to show that fear.

No. She took that fear, told it to shut the fuck up, stuffed it in a corner, and shielded Julie as that laser came for her.

She closed her eyes, waiting. Huh, she thought after a couple of seconds. Thought I woulda felt something…

Then she heard something SCREECHING in pain, and realized that definitely didn’t sound like her. She opened her eyes and saw a thick wall of ice standing between her and the monster. As the wall melted away, she could clearly see the hole in the microwave, smoke belching out from it.

“EM!”

Emily turned back and saw Brandon sweating and panting, arm lowering to his side. David and Hannah were behind him, Hannah waving at her while David was gawking at the monstrosity in front of them.

“Jesus Christ, what the fuck is THAT?!” he asked nobody in particular, pointing a shaky finger at the chicken. “And why in the world does it have a fucking EZ Bake Oven in its chest?!?”

Julie scrambled over and hid behind David as she screeched, “What the fuck does it matter?! That thing’s been trying to KILL us, so shut the hell up and DO SOMETHING!”

“With WHAT?! I didn’t bring my tennis ball launcher! Do you know how expensive those things are?!?”

“You idiot! You actually came here without a weapon?! At least Emily had the sense to bring a pipe!”

“You didn’t bring anything, either, aside from your gaudy fashion sense!”

“Um, guys?” Hannah asked, looking towards the feathered fiend before turning back to her friends. “Mr. George here isn’t very happy, so um, we should definitely do a thing?”

While the trio bickered, Brandon rushed to Emily’s side as he asked, “Em, are you okay?!? Y-you’re not too banged up, are you?!” After glancing at her for a moment, he corrected, “N-nevermind, you look like a hot mess. Sorry I’m late, but now that we’re here…”

Emily smirked and slapped Brandon on his shoulder as she said, “Don’t worry about it, homie! We’ve got this! With your brains and my brawn, we’ll kick this guy’s ass to the curb!”

As ‘Mr. George’ stood upright and clucked angrily, Brandon held out his hands and formed an ice sword, grabbing it and handing it over to Emily. As she held it in her hands, he whispered, “Honestly, I’m not sure if brute forcing a wannabe Zoofighter is a great idea, so I’m gonna see if we can freeze it in place. You know where to aim, don’t you?”

Emily felt as if her teacher just sprung a pop quiz on her. She was tempted to say ‘Everywhere’, but obviously that answer was shit. If that worked, then she wouldn’t be so banged up. She thought hard as Brandon held the chicken back with ice and snow, even piercing its laser eye with an ice spear when it tried to fire another laser. Where should she aim? There’s a fucking microwave in-between her and that fuck’s heart, so where…?

“And to think, a nice boy like Brandon has to deal with a brainless brute like you.”

I’m not fucking brainless, you dumbass bitch, she thought back at the memory. I got this! I… I…

“Brainless brute.”

FUCK YOU! I’M NOT-

“Brainless”

Wait. Brains? Does this thing even have a brain? Just about everything had some brain, right?

Brandon must have noticed her look of realization, given his smile in spite of the chicken breaking through ice walls with its beak. “You know exactly where to aim now, don’t you?” he asked again, this time with a lot more certainty.

“Damn right I do!”  Emily replied with a grin.

“Great! Now, we’re gonna need a water source…” he said as he brought one hand to his head. “All this conjuring out of nowhere thing is really starting to make my head hurt.”

“That, B.C., I don’t fuckin’ know about.”

The chicken’s microwave was turned on now, charging up for another barrage of fireballs in spite of all the smoke bellowing within. Brandon broke into a sweat as he turned to Emily and said, “Uh, guess it’s time for a tactical retreat?”

Emily didn’t bother answering; she took off running with her friend, the other three following suit soon as those fireballs started flying.  They flew haphazardly, most of them flying over their heads or down at the floor, while one grazed Brandon’s neck and another landed squarely on Emily’s already scorched shoulder. It wasn’t long before they were back at the entrance, considerably less enthusiastic than they were when they entered.

“Mmmmaaaybe it’s time to get the fuck out of here,” David said in-between gasps of breath. “We had fun! We saw things! We found a bloodthirsty cock with a microwave in its body! More than enough excitement for one day, rig- AAAH!” He yelped as another drop of water landed on his nose, jumping back and hiding behind Hannah.

Julie glared at David as she put her hands on her hips and snapped, “I get chased by a fucking chicken and nearly DIED, and you get scared by a tiny drop of water? Really?!? Pull yourself together! Besides, do YOU want this thing in your backyard trying to eat you?!?”

Hannah was about to chime in before she saw David look up at the ceiling where the water was dripping. She squinted at him a little bit, focusing everything she had before she turned to Brandon and said cheerfully, “Maybe you should aim up here!”

Brandon looked up, watching where the water dripped before his eyes lit up in delight. “Might want to back up a little,” he said as he held up a hand, “because things might get a little wet and wild!”

Julie barely held back a giggle before David and Hannah dragged her into the Organic Ward’s hallway. Good thing, too, because the moment Brandon fired off an ice spear at the pipe, it burst wide open. Water sprayed everywhere: on the floor, on the walls, right over the chicken-beast as it busted right in. It screeched in pain as water got into its microwave, sparks flying from its chest. Once it was soaked from the neck on down, Brandon focused all his energy into freezing it solid. The chicken struggled as ice climbed up from its toes to its wings, angrily clucking as it tried to heat up the microwave one last time to melt it away.

“NOW OR NEVER, EM!” Brandon shouted, grabbing Emily by the shirt and throwing her up at the chicken’s face.

Emily focused all her anger, gripping the hilt of the ice sword tightly as she imagined the chicken’s face as someone. Someone who used her best friend and didn’t even give a shit about his feelings. Someone who saw him only as a means to an end. All those people who didn’t even bother trying to be a good friend as much as they should have.

“ONE, TWO, FUCK YOU!” she boomed as she drove the blade right through the chicken’s skull with all the anger she could muster. She landed behind it with a thud, watching it spasm and cough a mix of blood and oil all over. The world was a blur now, all the strength she had fading away.

As everything went dark and silent, she smiled, clinging on to the pride of a battle well-fought.

She woke up to the smell of chicken noodle soup wafting into her nostrils, a pillow soaked in drool. For a split second, she thought she was back home, what with all the commotion around her. Her brother was probably having a big stupid party and blaring reggae all over the place-

“Hey, hey, she’s awake!”

“After THOSE injuries? How is she even alive?”

“Shut up, David! Stop being so loud!”

“What?! You’re being louder than I am!”

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEM!”

Emily barely opened up her eyes when Brandon pulled her into a hug tight enough to break a bear’s back. God, it stung, but she wasn’t about to tell her friend off. Especially not when tears were rolling down his cheeks like waterfalls.

“Oh god, Em, thank goodness you’re okay I was just so worried when you passed out and for a moment I thought you were dead and oh thank goodness you’re alive!” he said, burying his face in Emily’s shirt as he cried. “I’m just so glad you’re okay!”

From the corner of her eye, she saw Hannah smile. “He’s been like that ever since we got here! We were all pretty worried, really. The nurse said most people wouldn’t handle being burned like that very well, and Julie thought you were actually-“

“AHEM.”

Hannah stopped as Julie gave her an icy stare. It didn’t wipe the smile off her face, though!

Emily looked around, noticing the white, sterile walls and the not-really-cozy bed she was laying on. Must be at the hospital, if Hannah was speaking to a nurse earlier. She tried to think of something to say, but the only thing she could think of was, “Well, uh, thanks.” After a moment, she added, “Though it takes more than some stupid dollar store Murducken to take ME out.”

“Considering you nearly died,” David pointed out, “I don’t think that’s the best thing to say. Though I have to admit, how you toughed it out is a mystery to me. That’s some Kobber-level survivability, man.”

“W-well, she is a big fan.” Brandon stood back up, wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his hoodie. “A-anyway, um, how are you feeling?”

“Like I need another dose of morphine or something,” Emily said, feeling every pain and ache come back to her in an instant. “How long was I out?”

“About… four, five hours?” David said, pulling out his phone and checking the time. “Yeah, five hours! It’s 9 now, and our little trip ended around 4. Which, I have to say, was pretty damn exciting!”

“Of course it was exciting!” Julie said with a huff, putting her hands on her hips and puffing up her chest. “We defeated a monster worthy of Zoofights fame by ourselves when no one else could! Or, shall we say that we gave that cock a good KOBBERING?!?”

David groaned, holding his head in his hands as if Julie murdered his first born baby. Emily snorted, hiding her smile behind the blanket while Brandon giggled like a little schoolgirl.

“Anyway,” Julie continued, “our trip was a great success! We should do more of these! Especially if you’re going to be staying~!” She fluttered her eyes at Brandon, although he was hardly giving her the time of day. “You’ll stay, won’t you?”

“I’ll be stayin’!”

Julie opened her mouth to snap at Emily, but instead, she smiled and said, “Of course you will! After all, we are best friends, riiiight?! Best friends that save each other from imminent death! But right now, I’m asking Brandon, bestie.”

Brandon glanced over at Emily with a look that said, The fuck did you two do while my back was turned? Then, he turned back to Julia and said sweetly, “Oh, I don’t know… I don’t think I could be a full-time member, buuut I could be moral support! I’m a busy man, you know?”

“Right, right, of course you are! Silly me!” Julie fanned herself wildly and laughed like a noblewoman. Emily could tell she was hiding her disappointment, just from how wobbly her voice was. “But you are mooore than welcome to attend wheeneeeever you want!”

“It’s not like we’re getting any other members yet,” David admitted before he was swiftly conked on the head by Julie’s fist.

“And everything’s better with friends!” Hannah said gleefully as, to no one’s surprise, she brought in a bag of chips to munch on. She did look over at the bowl of soup before she asked, “Are you gonna eat that? You must be pretty hungry by now!”

Emily looked over at the bowl of soup for a moment before she shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t feel up to it, bro. My appetite’s thrown all outta wack, yo.”

“Awww, but now it’s getting cold!”

“Hannah, it’s nothing that can’t be resolved with a little love and a microwave,” David said as he patted Hannah on the back.

“But…”

The room door creaked open, a nurse peeking her head in with a frown. “I’m sorry to ruin your fun, guys,” she said, “but visitation’s nearly over. Miss Alvarez needs her beauty rest!”

“Well, darn!” Hannah sighed as the Cryptid Club trio packed their things. She turned over to Emily and said cheerfully, “Well, we’ll definitely visit you tomorrow, or whenever you feel better, okay? You’re one of us now!”

“And we’d feel bad if we didn’t visit our newest member!” David added with a thumbs up. “Have a good night, alright?”

 Julie said nothing, simply handing Emily her phone back, then leaving with the rest of her friends. Emily blew a raspberry at her before she laid back and said, “Well, I had my fun being a Kobber for two seconds. That was some good shit, yo.”

“Gee, I wonder why?” Brandon asked with a smile. “It’s not like you’ve looked up to them for, oh, I don’t know, the last six years?”

“Same went for you too though, B.C.”

“Well, you knoooow…” He laughed it off for a bit before he gently took Emily’s hand in his. “Anyway, is there anything you want to do tomorrow? You know, before your Cryptid Club meeting?”

Emily placed a finger on her chin for a second before a grin spread across her face. “We gotta watch Kamen Rider, bro! The one with the video games! I think that’s… OOO?”

“That’s the tokens; Ex-Aid’s the games. I’m not sure if I’d be too into it, buuut I’ll give it a shot! Until then, though…” Brandon leaned in and gave her another firm hug before turning towards the door and waving goodbye. “Have a good night, Em! Take care, okay?”

As he left, Emily waved back and sank back into bed. She certainly wasn’t bored anymore. There was a lot more ahead for her than she realized, even if that meant dealing with a snob for the rest of the semester. She really did have the potential to be a Kobber, and do all those Kobbery things with the Cryptid Club.

But as she laid there in bed, she wondered…

Maybe I should finally get to work on becoming a Kobber?

The Cryptid Club, Part 3

  Emily strolled down the sidewalk, jamming loudly to the music blasting in her earbuds as she passed by many worn down, abandoned buildings. The quiet street was a stark contrast to the rest of Manhattan, never mind the rest of New York City as a whole. There was the occasional corner store open for business for the locals, a few bars, and one particularly gaudy store hawking bootlegged action figures and dolls of monstrous beings that once fought in these very streets.  The one thing that stood out the most, however, was the big, boarded down bar three blocks down. The pool beside it was covered with a tarp, the lights that once lit up the signs long since blown out.

 As she gazed upon the shameful state of the old King of Beasts, she frowned, pulling her earbuds out just enough to hear the wind rushing past. The Zoofights Quarter had seen much, much better days. The glitz, the glamour, and the massive bloodbath between heavily modified animals… those were gone. And so, too, were the ragtag team of ZF fans-turned-vigilantes. She remembered watching an eight-headed dragon get absolutely wrecked with glee, cheering on various Kobbers as her brother watched with mild bemusement.

“I’m going to become a Kobber!” she remembered saying with glee. “I’m gonna become a Kobber and kick so much ass, nobody’s gonna forget about me! I’ll make you guys proud for sure!”

And yet, by the time October rolled around that fateful year, there was no one to welcome her into the fold. 2012 came, and she was already busy studying for the GREs, too focused to join them. By the time she was done, there was no one left.

 After staring wistfully at a place she never had the chance to visit, she heard someone say, “Hey, Em! Figured I might find you here!”

Emily turned towards the source with little doubt as to who it could be: Brandon, sitting on a bench near the King of Beasts as he waved at her happily. A surge of excitement rushed through her as she bolted over to the bench and sat beside him. She only wished she had sparks flying out from her hands right now from how hyped she was, just like Sammy.

“Dude, I didn’t even expect you to be here!” she said. “I thought I’d have to go over to your house but broooo, listen to this!”

She pulled out a crumpled flyer from her pocket and held it up. Several cryptids were doodled on the borders in crayon, surrounding the words “Get ready for the GREAT CRYPTID HUNTING TRIP! Today at 2 PM in the Zoofights Quarter!”

“Can you fucking believe it?!?” she shouted, grabbing Brandon by the shoulders and shaking him. “We’re actually gonna be hunting these guys and kicking ass! We’re actually doing KOBBER things before we even MEET Kobbers! How fucking awesome is that shit?!”

“What?! Here?”

Emily backed off when she heard to worry in Brandon’s voice, although now she was puzzled. “What do you mean, ‘What’, bro? You see anywhere else we could find giant bugmen and shit?! Where’s the hype, bro?!”

Brandon turned away, laying his hands on his lap as he replied, “Sorry, but… The Zoofights Quarter is pretty dangerous. I know you could handle yourself well here, and Hannah has her Telepathy, but Julie and David? I don’t know what they can do to defend themselves against any kind of monster.”

“That’s why we’re here, B.C.!” Emily punched her open palm with an eager grin. “With your brains and my brawn, we’ll kick ass before they even think of touchin’ H.D.’s pretty face! Or D.M.’s!” She paused for a moment, then added reluctantly, “And Julia too, even though she’s a bitch.”

“Em.” Brandon looked at her, worry still plastered on his face. “Could you do me a favor, just this once?”

Emily suddenly got a terrible feeling in her gut, as if someone unleashed a mongoose and a cobra to duke it out inside her. “Y-yeah, what’s up, B.C.?” she asked, grabbing one pink curl of hair and playing around with it with one finger.

“This is probably a bit much, but for now, could you not try to pick a fight with Julia?”

 Emily stood up straight and shot Brandon a glare as she yelled, “What, and let her walk all over you again?! Not a chance in hell, B.C.! Next time, I’m going to knock her into next week, I swear!”

“That’s exactly what I DON’T want you to do!” Brandon clutched at his pant legs, his hands shaking as he looked Emily right in her face. “I don’t expect you two to be buddy-buddy- hell, I already get bad vibes from her – but I just want you to resist the urge to sock her or even threaten to sock her.” Emily opened her mouth to retort, but Brandon continued, “You’ve worked hard to get where you are before, and if you decide to fight her… You’d be suspended, even expelled from school! And… and…” Emily’s heart twisted as she heard his voice break. “I-I’m just worried about you, Em! I don’t want you to get in trouble again, and…”

 “Brandon.” Emily placed a hand on his shoulder, her look softening just a little as she saw Brandon’s eyes watering. “I can’t promise you anything. I don’t want a shitstain like her fucking with your head the same way your other shitstain friends did.” Brandon flinched, looking away from her in shame. “But at the very least,” she said softly, “I won’t start shit with Julia while we go hunting.”

“Sorry… I, I know it’s a lot to ask for...” Brandon said, taking off his glasses for a moment to wipe the tears out of his eyes. “And… thank you. For looking out for me, I mean.”

Emily shrugged it off and turned towards the sky as she took a seat next to her friend. “I’m just doin’ what friends should be doin’, bro.”

The two basked in the soft light of the sun for a while, Emily listening as Brandon hummed a song off-tune and scrolled through blogs idly on his phone. It wasn’t too long before Emily spotted David and Hannah waving at them as they rushed over.

“Hey, you guys are here early!” David said with a grin. “Thought you guys might be a bit late; the subways were a mess today! That, and-”

“-And most people start running away when they hear ‘Zoofights’!” Hannah finished pulling out a big bag of chips and happily chomping away.

Emily crossed her arms and glared at nothing in particular as she grumbled, “Those are the kinds of people with shit tastes, yo. They don’t know what the hell they missed out on.”

“There, there, Em,” Brandon said, giving Emily a pat on the head. “Anyway, you two are here; now where’s Julia? I need to ask about-“

“HeeelllOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, my beautiful frieeeends!”

Bursting onto the scene with aplomb was Julie, dressed exactly in the same way that Emily thought a peacock would. All those loud colors made her eyes hurt. She had to admit, if this was some grand plan to blind a monster with ugly clothing, then it was already working its magic.

Julie strutted over to the group with an award winning smile and waved cutely as she said, “Hellooo! I’m here, ready to take on the esoteric!” Hannah was the only one waving at her back with a smile of her own; David was gawking at her as if she decided to walk in public in a meat dress, Emily was unimpressed, and Brandon was most definitely concerned. “What’s with all those looks?” she asked as she narrowed her eyes. “It’s as if you’ve never seen a beautiful lady before!”

“Uh, yeah, beautiful beyond my wildest imaginations!” said David, putting his hands up and faking a pleasant smile. “Truly the epitome of beauty!”

“I’ve seen cuter,” Emily said bluntly, looking over at Hannah and smiling as if to prove a point.

“Um, aren’t you a little cold in those heels?” Brandon asked, pointing down at her feet.

Julie ignored David and Emily as she leaned over and put her face on his shoulder as she said, “Ooh, you’re too sweet! I’ll be perfectly fine, but thank you for asking~!” Emily shot her a dirty look as Brandon flinched and scooted away from her. Julie frowned for a moment, but she quickly found it in her to smile and say, “Well then, what are we waiting for? Aren’t we going to go hunt for beautiful, beautiful Cryptids? It’d be a shame to keep them waiting!”

Without waiting for an answer, she rushed off with a hearty ‘Ohohohohoho!’ David and Hannah exchanged glances and followed after her with a mix of glee and worry. Emily stood up, stretching as far as she could go before grinning at Brandon.

“We can’t let them have all the fun, B.C.! Let’s get going!”

“A-already? I didn’t even ask them how they’re going to defend themselves against-“

“Ask them later, bro! They’re already heading into the FYM Arena!”

The group searched all sorts of places in their hunt for even a single cryptid. The FYM Arena was the obvious first place to search, given the many fites between unusual people and things that took place here. David shuddered as Hannah gave her best impression of the giant, mutated Widow Maker that fought in the Big Bar Brawl, while Julie searched every nook and cranny of the arena in between giving Brandon lovey-dovey eyes.

Next up was the junkyard, Emily digging in and finding a nice, sturdy pipe to use as a weapon just in case something hostile arrived. Julie commanded David to dig through the piles to find something cool, but instead of something like Mothman, David ran the hell away from what Hannah lovingly called “Roachmass”. Brandon managed to freeze the mass before they decided to crawl up anyone’s legs, Julia seizing the moment to swoon and say, “Oh, my heroooo~!”

Emily briefly wondered if she could toss her pipe right in Julie’s face and get away with it before banishing that thought. Now wasn’t the time. She gave her word to Brandon and goddamn it, she needed to stick to it. Damn if Julie didn’t make it hard for her, with her kissing up to Brandon and making him more than a little uncomfortable.

After searching the alleyways, the supermarkets, and the burger joint on the corner for any sign of a cryptid, the group wandered the streets, no closer to exposing the esoteric but definitely closer to a full stomach. As they hung out around the closest bench with burgers in their hands, the group sighed in unison and stared out into space.

“One full hour and we haven’t found a damn thing,” David groaned, pulling out the pickles he never ordered out of his burger. “I thought it would be easier to find something here, but…”

Julie huffed and crossed her arms after taking a bite of her burger. “Don’t they know we’re trying to help them?” she asked between bites. “All we’re trying to do is show that they exist and what do they do? They hide and act like they don’t want all the attention! It doesn’t make any sense!”

“They wouldn’t be called Cryptids if they weren’t Cryptic, too!” Hannah pointed out, dumping as much ketchup and mustard on her burger before taking one giant chomp. “They’re probably not very photogenic, either!”

Emily shrugged and stared at her bucket of fries for a moment before looking back up at the sky. “Least we got to see more of the Quarter while we were at it. And B.C. beat up some roaches!”

Brandon’s thousand-yard stare sent shivers down Emily’s spine. “You never truly beat roaches,” he said. “You can only halt their advance.” After a bite or two of his four-patty burger, he smiled and said, “Anyway, I’m sure we’ll find something! If not, there’s always another day!”

“But then I’d have wasted all my time for nothing!” Julie said dramatically, clutching at her heart and pretending to faint. “We need to find something, anything! Even if it’s just another stag beetle!”

“It’s still not a cryptid, Julie,” David said bluntly. “And why a goddamn beetle? Seriously? Why not a swamp man?”

Emily scrunched her face, thinking about where to search next. The actual King of Beasts bar? No, it was already boarded up and probably didn’t have anything like Gezora trapped inside of it. Zoofights HQ? No, wait, they were still actually using that place, and the last thing she needed was to fight their newborn monstrosity. (Not that it stopped her from dreaming about it.) The sewers?! Brandon would pitch a fit if he had to go anywhere near there while he was wearing his favorite pink and purple hoodie. Think: where would there be something exotic, something crazy to fight?

Wait. There was one place. She looked over at Hannah and raised an eyebrow, trying to see if she’d read her mind. Hannah squinted for a moment before giving her a big ol’ thumbs up, bolstering her confidence.

“Listen up, homies, cuz I’m only gonna say this once… How about we take a trip through WCW Labs? Bet they have some leftovers from all those failed shows they got!”

Emily was surprised to see even Julie’s face light up with excitement at the suggestion.

“Of course! Why didn’t I think of it before?!” Julie said, slapping her forehead. “It was so OBVIOUS! There’s no time to waste dilly-dallying on burgers! We must go onward! ONWAAARD!”

All five of them pumped their hands in the air before Julie took off without them, the rest struggling to keep up with her pace and her, “OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO”s.