Cold Memories

Who would ever forget their firsts? There was always something about them that stood out, some sense of accomplishment or embarrassment.  Brandon could remember a lot of firsts offhand, like the first girl friend he ever made (and maybe, possibly his first kiss? Scandalous, for a first grader!), the first pot of macaroni and cheese he made without mom and dad’s help (from a box, at least), and definitely the first play he put his heart into, overdramatically saving the dragon from a wicked princess instead of the other way around.

He was pretty embarrassed afterwards, but somehow, the actors made due with his flub and turned it into a spectacle to behold.

Still, in all of life, no first would ever match the first time he saw snow.

It was in the middle of one of the many boring family trips he took with his family in winter, back when he was five. They were visiting Salisbury, Maryland, to see some fancy people in suits (which, little Brandon found out much later in life, were the big bad spooky businessmen). He was left with his elder brother at some fancy hotel, doing nothing but watching cartoons on TV and finishing up $1 activity books his parents bought him to stop him from asking, “Are we there yet?”

There was only so much TV and books could do for a five year old, though. After watching what felt like the 100^th episode of Looney Toons so far, Brandon tugged on his elder brother’s sleeve, hoping that he would do something with him.

“Bug off; I’m studying.”

Those were the only bits of conversation Brandon had bothered to remember, if only because it hurt. His brother was always sticking his nose in a book and working on something. They weren’t even cool books, like comics or fantasy books. They were just those thick schoolbooks about math and money. Who really wants to read anything about math?

After pouting in the corner and hoping that would help, Brandon escaped the prison of a boring hotel room, wandering the hotel’s halls for anything interesting to do. He did find some solace in taking a million brochures about mountains and caves and restaurants and reading them from top to bottom. He enjoyed dipping his toes in the super-hot tub that his parents would never, ever, ever let him use, giggling at all the bubbles that popped up. He even caught the attention of an employee there as he showed them all the coloring pages he had finished that day and tore a page out as a gift to a super nice bellhop!

Yet, even those didn’t really help him feel… Right? Was right the right word? He was definitely happy, but it wasn’t… fulfilling? It didn’t last, and when those feelings faded away, all he was left with was a pit of loneliness. His mom wasn’t there, his dad wasn’t there, and his brother didn’t feel like doing anything with him at all… there were only strangers, mostly grown-ups, who wouldn’t stay friends with a five year old longer than a few minutes.

So he sat on the couch on the first floor, watching people come in the hotel doors in-between watching news reports on the big TV they had. It was something to pass the time, at least. It didn’t make him feel any better, but it was something, right?

And then, he saw it. He saw the clouds roll in like someone was covering the earth in a weird, gray blanket. Every time the hotel door opened, there was a cold gust of wind that brushed against his face, sending a shiver down his spine. He wondered if it was going to rain again, like it did in all their visits to Florida and Georgia.

But to his eternal amazement, what came from the skies was not rain, but something white, brilliant, and gentle.

Brandon’s face was nearly glued to the window as the snow fell from the sky, piling up and covering the ground in soft pillows of white. He wasn’t sure how much time passed between him leaving his room up til the snow was just high enough to reach his ankles. Honestly, it didn’t even matter. He simply bolted out the door and rolled in it like a pig in mud, ignoring all attempts to keep him inside by hotel personnel. It didn’t matter how cold it was. In fact, he forgot the cold altogether as he laughed and played and frolicked in the snow for the first time, his tiny little heart swelling with a joy matched only by the one that comes with telling someone ‘I love you!’ for the first time.

It was the same feeling that overcame him when he found himself in the middle of a snowstorm, four years later, that same wish for it to keep snowing and snowing so he could make all the snow friends he could ever need that would never, ever leave him, ever. The snow made him happy, made him laugh, made him feel like he wasn’t alone anymore.

Maybe it was those same feelings that awakened his powers, after his mother found him sleeping soundly on their doorstep after the storm, all the snow cleared away and reformed as one big snow kitten protecting him from the elements.

It was 6 AM in the morning, too early for the sun to shine brightly on the world. Pookums was sound asleep, her cage covered with a thick blanket to remind her that it was sleepy time, not ‘whine at Brandon until he plays with you’ time. Much to his disappointment, the weather app on his phone reported that not a speck of snow would be falling on the streets today, barring a freak accident from a Yukionna scorned.

Now was definitely not the time to be calling anyone, nor working on any scripts. It was too early to head to Judo, and it was not a smart idea to jog in Manhattan when it was this dark outside. It was, however, a great time to sit on the couch and just stare at nothing at particular.

It was weird, having this peaceful, quiet moment in the mornings. Nobody was bothering him, there was nothing demanding his attention…

Why in the world did you even accept a dog you can’t afford to take care of?!? Why’d you go out to eat when there was perfectly good food at home? Why aren’t you doing MORE to make your dumb dream of being with Kobbers actually come true, huh?!?

The worries creeped into his mind, one by one. Each one felt like a heavy burden, an extra weight to carry on his cart.

Yet, Brandon closed his eyes and concentrated. He noted how cold he was, all those worries pent up in his heart and trying to escape as something, anything. He took a deep breath and let his worries flow out from his heart, down his shoulders, through his arm, down to his hands, and right out of his fingertips as small flurries. Each time he breathed in, he let his mind be consumed with worrisome thoughts. Every time he breathed out, he simply focused that energy into making something happen, like forming snowballs in his hands or icicles outside of his window.

It just came so naturally to him, up until he thought of Justin and Josh. It was harder to control his anger, his frustration with them. Even after kicking them out of his life, there never seemed to be a moment where he hadn’t felt the effects of their stupidity. Whether it was the budget issues left from paying off Josh’s debt or the fear of even his best friends turning out to be gigantic assholes, Josh left an impact Brandon couldn’t forget so easily.

Focus, he kept thinking to himself, breaking into a sweat as he tried to make some good out of his anger. It’s over. He’s no longer there. You’re in control; don’t let it control-

But it wasn’t the first time.

A bead of sweat rolled down Brandon’s face before it promptly froze over, Brandon struggling to keep his emotions in check.

Maybe it wasn’t, but it’s over now. I have to move on. It’s time to look forward, not-

But it keeps happening. It keeps happening, over and over and over. It happened in high school, it happened in college, and it’s happening even AFTER that!

Focus. Let it go… Let it go…

But…!

His hands clutched at his pajama pants tightly as he tried to regulate his breathing. Deep breaths, deeep breaths…

BUT…!

Then, like a monster from the depths, it rose. A memory of a man, a man he once considered perfect. Someone who gave him his utmost attention, someone who trailed kisses up and down his body and whispered sweet nothings in his ear, someone who told him countless times those same three words: I love you. A man who, once upon a time, made him feel whole.

That same man, whom he clung to as his only support in a world pressuring him from all angles, that just as easily said those same words to another person and used him only when they couldn’t give him what he needed.  The same man who would tease him with temptations of getting back together, only to reveal that those three words? He never meant them at all.

All at once, the energy exploded outward, frost covering everything close to Brandon as he broke down and sobbed in his hands. God, he felt so pathetic, even after coming so damn far since then. All of his accomplishments, all of his efforts… it meant absolutely nothing to him right now. They couldn’t make him happy the same way a good friend or someone who meant something to him would.

In a feeble effort to stop himself from crying a river, Brandon thought back to the first snow he ever saw, closing his eyes to think. The present world melted away as he became a child again, so eager and happy to see snow fall before his very eyes and catch flakes on his tongue.

And as he felt the flakes fall on his head of black hair and on his face, he smiled gently and laid on the couch, enjoying the moment while it lasts.