On the days before Christmas, people were more excited to prep gifts and watch Christmas parades. Maybe take some photos of Christmas trees and be extremely envious of their neighbor’s obnoxiously elaborate nativity scene. The only issue they’d imagine is fighting lines to get those last minute gifts before they were gone.
So imagine everyone’s shock as two dorks and a Santa cosplayer barreled down the sidewalk, one of them firing a flurry of light and dark blasts at some really elaborately-dressed mobster cosplayers. A light show bedazzled all that watched, multicolored danmaku countering those blasts and lighting up the sky like fireworks. Most moved out of the way: there was no way in hell they were going to get caught up in one of these… incidents. Others, well, they certainly had their phones out, ready to brag to their friends that they witnessed something fantastic.
Santa certainly wasn’t having a great time of it, cringing at the sound of magic soaring through the air. She could barely hear herself squeak, “H-he’s somewhere to the east! G-go east!”
“Hard to tell where east is when you’re in the middle of a chase, buns,” Edward pointed out, wincing as stray blasts careened into cars, much to one man’s discontent. “Any way you could be a bit clearer?”
“U-uhm…” Santa tried to think through Edward shoving an unattended hot dog cart at their pursuers, one of the bunny men jumping over it with ease before he tripped and fell, trampled over by his friends. “I-I’m not exactly sure how I could…”
As if nothing ever happened, Edward smiled at her. “Why not pretend we’re playing a game of Hot and Cold? Just tell us if we’re not on the trail or not, and we’ll take it from there!”
Kisha groaned and cast a dirty look towards Edward. “Are we REALLY doing this right now?”
Santa ignored her, focusing even amidst the chaos, and said, “Cold… Kinda cold…”
Wonderful. Kisha now had to run through a city playing a dumb game of Hot and Cold with her best friend and Santa, all while flipping off the bunny mob. Suddenly, traveling the city seemed more like making her way through a maze, only a bunny girl saying, “Warmer… waaarmer…” leading her in the right direction. Gods, she was tired. So tired from all this running, tired of launching spells willy nilly, and definitely tired of bunny men jumping over cars and gliding through their air through magic bullshit. It was times like these where she wished she could drop a big stinkin’ meteor on them, but the satisfaction of outright murdering them would be countered by the sheer amount of jail time she’d spend for destroying part of New York.
The mob was closing in, glaring at the gang through their shades. Kisha was stumbling over herself, panting, sweating, lightheaded. Swearing under her breath, she quickly scanned the area, looking for a place to duck into before she saw a Target and hauled ass.
Edward’s went bug-eyed when he saw where she was going and shouted, “Kish, I know you want to snag that Spino for Double D, but this isn’t the time!”
“A Spino would make for a great weapon against these fucks, actually!” Kisha points out, looking directly at the rabbit mob and muttering something as she cast another spell. Instead of speeding herself up, though, the flow of time slowed around the mob, all of them looking as if they were stuck in slo-mo. Good enough for Kish as the gang put enough distance between them, losing themselves in the crowd as they walked into Target.
Kisha flopped into a chair in the food area, catching her breath and grumbling, “Fuck, those guys are annoying! More persistent than Yursarsh’s cronies!” She turned her head towards Santa, brow furrowed as she frowned. “Why the hell are they after you, anyway?”
Santa sagged like a sack of potatoes, ears drooping as she replied, “I-I actually don’t know. I was preparing for the big day when one of them found me and tried to drag me somewhere. S-sorry…”
If there ever was a time to groan, now was it. “Don’t think they’ll be telling us anytime soon, so guess we’ll just have to kick their asses. Only a matter of time before they find us in here, anyway, so we gotta prepare.” She glanced over at Edward, who took this time to buy everyone coffee with a goofy grin on his face. “Ed, how’s Jaz holding up?”
Edward just set down Santa’s coffee, the bunny girl happily taking sips as he checked his phone. He was baffled for two seconds before the goofy grin returned, goofier than ever. “Well, before that… Hot or Cold, Santa?”
“I like my coffee hot,” Santa replied. She got blank stares in response, grin fading a little from Ed’s face. Only then did she realize what he meant and stammered, “I-I mean, uh, um… uh… he’s close!” Eyes closed, focusing again… “Oooh, he’s actually SUPER close!”
Kisha glared at Edward as he texted something, eyes narrowing as she asked, “Come on, spit it out: what’s up?”
“What the fuck’s up, indeed?”
That was definitely not Edward. Edward was too busy giggling like a schoolboy who told a bad pun to his friends. She looked up at the source and saw a familiar face, dressed like a punk shrine maiden, a reindeer chomping on an apple in her hand.
“Yo,” Jaz said with a smirk, clearly basking in the reactions of her friends and Santa’s look of glee. “Found this jackass trying to eat all the candy canes. He’s not even sorry about it.”
In spite of this reindeer’s new criminal history, Santa leaped out of her chair to hug the reindeer and nuzzle him, tears rolling down her cheers. “Rein! Oh, Rein, I’m so glad you’re okay! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you…!” Rein nuzzled her back with a grunt, almost like an old man reluctant to say he cared for his silly Santa-cosplaying daughter. Almost.
“One issue down at last, and thank fuck for that,” Kisha said with a small smile, taking huge glugs of coffee like her life depended on it. “Think my legs’ll fall off if I kept running trying to find this stupid reindeer.”
Jaz snorted and took a seat beside her as she replied, “Maybe next time, don’t forget about leg day?” One glare from Kisha later, she was all business as she asked, “So, mob’s still after you?”
Edward glanced outside and saw people scattering, bunny men now waving actual guns and breaking down doors. He looked back, all his joy and cheer leaving him as he said, “Yep! And they don’t look too happy.”
“I wouldn’t be happy either if my target decided to pull a disappearing act,” Jaz pointed out before she looked over at Kisha. “There’s no way we could get out of here without those guys seeing us and getting more innocent people roped into this. And from the look of it, these guys would chase us around the globe just to get their hands on Santa. You got a plan for this?”
Kisha’s face twisted into a grimace. As if they hadn’t caused enough chaos already. “Got no choice but to make our stand here, do we?”
“We could slip out the back, where their stock comes in,” Edward said. “Head towards the streets and find a better spot to fight. Like that abandoned district-”
“Oh, HELL no. I’m not running to the other side of Manhattan! I’d be worn down before we even get to the fight part!”
“And that’s assuming the mob’ll give us that chance,” Jaz said, closing one eye while using the other to keep those mobsters in her sights. “This place is as good as any to fight back, if we play our cards right.”
The three friends exchanged looks between each other, then glanced over at Santa in unison. Kisha then turned to Edward, a knowing smile creeping up on her face.
“Say, Ed, ya think the Manager’ll let you use the intercom?”
“Attention, all shoppers! Target will be closing in five minutes! Please make your final selections and bring them to the front for checkout. Thank you!”
It was a little odd for security guards to lock the front doors for the time being and escort the customers out through the emergency door for any reason other than a fire, but once the manager heard this strange story of the mob coming after Kisha and friends because, “Mr. X has a big grudge against them,” he wasn’t willing to take any chances. Nevermind the fact that Mr. X wasn’t much of a big deal in these raging streets anymore… unless Mr. X’s ghost decided to haunt them and possess a rabbit guy. The manager stayed with just a handful of employees, most of them not eager to deal with the aftermath, but diligently watching over Santa and her reindeer pal in the security room as the three friends went to work.
Carrots were all scooped up, tied with string to sticks like lures. Mannequins were brought down from pedestals, stripped of all their clothes before a complete Santa outfit was slipped on in their place. Nerf guns and a plastic sword were taken out of their packaging, a pillow serving as perfect target practice.
All was quiet for a time, after the prep was complete. Nothing stirred within, not even a mouse.
Then the silence shattered with the glass doors that kept normal people out, the rabbit mob marching in and scanning the area. There was one bunny taller than the others, sniffing at the air and glaring at nothing in particular.
“Santa’s in here somewhere,” he said, voice gruff as if he smoked ten packs of cigarettes a day. He didn’t even turn to his henchmen as he pointed forward. “Scour every last inch of this place, and drag her to me. Kicking and screaming, if need be.”
“YES BOSS!” the grunts said in unison, scattering about the store. No stone would be left unturned.
Not that they needed to look far. One group saw a shadow of that floppy eared cosplayer, turning to each other with a grin before following it and pointing guns at the source.
“WE GOT YOU NOW, SANTA-” one said with a devilish grin… one that faded into confusion when they were met with just a mannequin with a Halloween bunny ears and a Santa outfit. They turned to each other, baffled, before a quick flash of light blinded them just long enough for Kisha to leap from her hiding spot and throttle them in their faces, grinning as she heard their noses crack. One tried to grab her, but she just grabed him by the arm and threw him into one of his buddies, gun flying out of his hand. A blast of energy smashed into Kisha, but she gave absolutely no shits as she shoulder checked him right into another mannequin, the mobster passing out and slumping.
The others heard. Of course they heard: they’re weird bunny men! But its not like they could come to their coworkers’ rescue. Some of them saw the carrots and followed them as they were dragged along, hungry after all that running they did. Once they got them, though, a blanket fell on top of them, the mobsters confused until Jaz dove towards them and kicked them right in the head, right into unconsciousness. Others were distracted by an ungodly amount of dinosaur noises, one of the men screaming as he accidentally triggered a grab ‘n growl dinosaur. He knocked it off of him, panting before he sighed in relief… then he saw the shadow of something BIG, and THUMP, THUMP, THUMPs.
Poor bun passed out from sheer fear alone, his allies ashamed until an actual dinosaur roar hit their ears, loud enough for them to cower in the aisle. They were so busy being scared, they hardly noticed when a sword hit them in the back of the head, hard enough to knock them out.
Edward grinned, taking out a remote and putting the volume down on all the TVs as he said, “Looks like even mobsters know not the mess with dinos~” He didn’t bask in his victory for long, especially when a shower of arrow-shaped blasts rained down on him, cringing as they burned skin. A mobster threw themselves at him, ready to punch him out when his fist collided with the sword. Edward stepped back, dodging the next blow with relative ease. From the corner of his eye, he saw another bun about to jump him and ducked as he threw a punch, grinning like a loon when the mobster collided with his ally instead and seizing the chance to knock him out in one fell strike.
One by one, the grunts fell, the gaggle of dorks dragging them all towards the middle of the store and tying them all up in a blanket with rope. Jaz stood on a table, keeping a lookout as Kisha made one more knot for good measure, grinning ear to ear.
“Bitches didn’t see that coming, did they?” she said, excitement coursing through her veins. “That’ll show them to mess with the Santa Defense Force!”
Jaz turned away from her duties to stare blankly at her friend as she asked, “Is that what we’re calling ourselves now?”
“I dunno, it sounds pretty snazzy!”
“Course you’d say that, you dork.”
“It’s something,” Kisha piped up, Edward smiling while Jaz got back to her duties. “Either way, looks like we’re in the clear. All we need to do now is let Santa go and do her thing, then we can celebrate with a big dinner!”
Jaz rolled her eyes, unable to keep a smile off of her face. “Course you’d say that-” That smile quickly faded as she saw something jump and knock her right off the table, smashing her into the floor. Kisha and Edward were taken aback for a second, Jaz glaring hatefully at this last mobster before he grabbed her and tossed her away like last week’s garbage.
The boss bunny towered above the duo, looking down on them like ants as Kisha cried out, “JAZ!”
“...To think, the boys would have so much trouble dealing with you filthy shits,” he said. Kisha glared daggers at him and lunged before she was met with a knee to her chest. She staggered back, rearing back an arm as she prepared to toss a ball of light at him when his leg shot out and kicked her in the throat. She fell over, coughing and gagging on her own spit, trying to get back on her feet before he kicked her again, the force enough to send her careening into a shelf.
He turned his attention to Edward next, the man holding up his plastic sword and watching his movements carefully when Jaz shot back up, lunging towards the mobster and kneeing him in he back. He staggered only a little, but it was enough for Jaz to sweep him and watch him tumble. She grabbed a chair display, ready to end this quick when the boss’s leg shot out again, kicking her squarely in her stomach. She dropped the chair and coughed as he got back up and punched her again and again, only ceasing when Edward smashed and broke his toy sword on his back. The boss whirled around and kicked Ed in the face, glasses flying off and shattering at it hit the ground, but Edward still standing tall in spite of this.
“You call that a kick?” he shouted, dodging the next kick with an ease that took the boss off guard for a second. “C’mon, I’ve seen grandmas hit harder than you!”
Kisha was just starting to get back on her feet when Ed was kicked into a shelf nearby, groaning and wincing in pain. “Ed, you oka-” she started, before she saw the bruises and blood running down his nose.
“N…never… better,” Edward replied with a groan, shaking the stars out of his eyes.
Kisha made a quick mental note to heal him later. Later, because big boss bun was only barely held back by Jaz getting right back into the action, countering his kicks with her own and trying to keep him busy. She tried to get up, cringing as a sharp pain surged in her chest, using the shelving to prop her back up. “The fuck… is your goddamn deal?” she shouted, voice hoarse, hands sparking with magic she can’t seem to muster up. “All this just to get your hands on Santa?!”
Jaz could only counter those kicks for so long when he feinted kicking out with his left foot and instead blasted her with a shower of bullet-shaped danmaku, the punk shrine maiden cursing as she collasped onto the floor. “Should have…fucking brought my talisman,” she muttered, looking up only to get a foot to the face, skidding backwards into pillar.
The boss looked down at each and every one of them before he finally turned his full attention to Kisha. “You wanna know why, huh?” he asked. The way he started to grin made her feel uneasy. “I’ll tell you why: Money.”
Kisha looked at him as if he were a schoolyard bully who beat the hell out of his classmates just for some lunch money. She didn’t dare interrupt him, though. Ed didn’t, either, just nodding along and looking at him as if begging him to continue.
“Y’see… Santa’s got a gift. Not like she goes around buying gifts last minute… Nah, she ain’t like you,” the boss said, eyes flicking between the trio. “She can make all those gifts show up, just like-” SNAP. “that. Knows exactly who’s wishin’ for what, with that reindeer leading the way better than any GPS. She can even summon the rare shit, all those things people would die to get their hands on. She can be a real moneymaker for us: gettin’ all that rare shit and sellin’ it will make us a pretty penny. And I’m sure there’s a market for delivery on Christmas day, for all those last-minute shoppers.” He chuckled, his grin threatening to split his face. “We could squeeze a pretty penny out of those poor, desperate losers, can’t we? Hehehehe…”
The priestess stared at him like he was a Mall Santa who charged kids by the minute to hang out with him and take photos. After a full minute of letting him chuckle, she said, deadpan as could be, “Are you fucking shitting me.” The boss turned his attention on her now with a look that screamed ‘annoyed’. “You’ve gotta be fucking shitting me. I’ve heard some stupid motivations, but that one’s gotta be the STUPIDEST fucking thing!”
Edward’s eyes went wide like dinner plates as Kisha stood up, the boss glaring at her and standing up to face her. “That’s rich, coming from the idiots who started wars for less.”
His shadow twisted as it turned into spears of darkness, shredding his suit and puncturing his legs, but the boss leaping out before it caused any damage. Kisha held out a trembling hand, shadows receding before they reached out to try to grab the boss, who shot them down as easily as he did with Jaz. “You’re stealing kids’ hopes, dreams, and gifts and trying to make bank off of it! We’re haven’t sunk that low, you sleazy piece of shit!”
He didn’t even bother to answer her, even as she lunged towards him. He simply gut punched her and blasted her, knocking her onto the ground before planting his foot into her face, grinding it right in. “That’s enough out of you,” he said. “Only reason I haven’t killed you yet is because you know where Santa is… So…” He pulled a gun from his pocket and aimed it, looking down at Kisha as he growled, “Where is she? Tell me, and maybe, just maybe, we can forget this ever happened.”
“Eat shit.”
BANG. A bullet lodged itself in the floor, close to her face. “I won’t ask again: Tell me where Santa is.”
From the security booth, Santa watched. Watched as Kisha stared in defiance, the boss glaring hatefully back at her. Edward, frantically looking around for something, anything he could use to distract the boss, just for a moment, but finding nothing. Jaz, stirring, pulling something out of her pocket.
All of them, fighting for her safety. Even when their lives were at risk… She clasped her hands together in prayer, Rein at her side as she prayed for a miracle in silence.
A miracle she wasn’t sure would happen as the boss grew tired of Kisha’s stunt. “Maybe your friends’ll loosen those lips if I make an example out of you. You had your chance.”
Even in the very end, Kisha saw fit to spit on him, goading him to get it over with. He pointed the gun at her head, her friends staring in shocked silence as he pulled the trigger-
Click. He stared. She wasn’t dead. Click, click. He looked down at his gun…
…A jam. A jam NOW, of all times. “Piece of-” he started, before Kisha blasted him in his face, standing up with a vigor he thought lost. He saw the aura around her, a power that wasn’t there before, and threw a punch on the whim that maybe he could stop it.
No dice. She caught that punch easily and grinned as if someone delivered her birthday present right to her door. “So much for making an example outta me, huh?” she shot back before pulling him in and ramming her first into his gut. Spittle flew from his mouth, the boss staggering back and moving in to punch back when a shower of nerf gun darts smacked his face. Reflexively, he put his hands up to protect himself from Jaz’s vicious assault, but it wasn’t enough to protect him from gravity suddenly intensifying around him, bringing him to his knees and putting him in just the right position to get drop kicked. He crashed into a shelf, several potted plants crashing onto him as he staggered back up, throwing his gun away in favor of more danmaku. Nothing a reflective barrier couldn’t handle, boss cursing under his breath as he’s pelted by his own attack.
The Santa Defense Force gathered up, Kisha grabbing Edward’s glasses and slipping them on his face before helping him to his feet, the trio standing defiantly against the mob boss bun. He looked absolutely livid, hissing, “How DARE you? Do you even know who you’re messing with? I’m the-”
Before he could finish, he was met with more nerf darts. “LET ME FUCKING TA-”
“BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME WE’D LET YOU!” Edward retorts, dashing and grabbing him, hurling him in Kisha’s direction. “ALL YOURS, KISH! FINISH HIM!”
One would pray for a merciful death with a spray of magic. Least a meteor and explosions kill quickly. Unfortunately for the mob boss, he wouldn’t get it, as Kisha pulled him in and grinned.
“My pleasure,” was the last thing the boss heard before he found his head slammed into the ground with a piledriver. He slumped, too weak to move as the gang tied him up.
With the mob taken down, the trio cheered, high fiving. From the booth, the employees celebrated, completely forgetting their cleanup duties as hype overtook them. Santa watched with tears with joy, holding Rein tight as she realized what the trio had done.
Christmas was safe.
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