Trying to Beat an Undead Horse

And the horse SPARKLES.

So, I'm going out to see Breaking Dawn today. No, I'm not a Twilight fan or a Twihard or anything like that. I wanted to do something with my sister tonight and wanted something to riff, so why the hell not? But before I get into all that, I must apologize for the rant that will surely follow. I know, its a horse that has been beatten to death a lot of times. However, in the light that BREAKING FUCKING DAWN has become the #1 movie not just in america but in the WHOLE WORLD, I think for everyone's benefit, I have to reiterate just WHY the Twilight series sucks balls.


Man yer girders, mates. Just do.



Dat Purple Prose

I can barely, just BARELY read the books as they are now. They're just so fluffed up with material that don't really add to the story except for a couple hundred pages. Just like nobody likes seeing a million episodes of filler for, say, Naruto, NOBODY wants to read pages upon pages of nothing but boring excursions that have little to no relation to the plot. It is completely pointless, its boring, and all four (five if you count  Midnight Sun, which was leaked) books are noothing but purple prose. So many big words that mean the same goddamn thing. That poor theasaurus....

The Main Characters are Mary Sues/Gary Stus

This is another gripe of mine (and many others.) : Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are just OH SO PEEERFECT it hurts. Its like... um.. fuck. They're like what happens when you let a character like Sine get too out of control and become the tool of a madwoman's fantasies. (After all, Stephanie Meyer DID start these pieces of shit as a result of seeing a sparkling fucktard in a meadow somewhere.) Hell, when she described Bella, she basically described herself. A self-insert. And oh no, she can't do any wrong! She has no real flaws. Oh suuure, she was an utter "martyr"(which resulted in everybody praising her) and had two left feet (only when the plot needs her to!), but her true flaws were never exposed. If they were, then NOBODY pointed it out and ripped her a new one. But nope, Bella's selfishness, bitchiness, and manipulitiveness gets off scot free while everybody is bowing down to her like slaves. Doesn't help that Nessie, Bella's speshul baby, is so super awesome that Bella doesn't have to experience the horrors of motherhood. Hell, she doesn't even experience much of the pain of pregnancy! Well, aside from spewing out fountains of blood after Eddiekins does a C-Section with his FUCKING TEETH URGH....

The same can be said of "Eddiekins", too. He's portrayed as handsome, an Adonis, the perfect man... Yet... he can be as manipulative, as cruel as Bella, only he has emotional abuse and violent tendencies to go with! He's a monster that couldn't pry himself away from his succulent prey. The monster won, under the guise of the perfect gentleman. Sad part is, Meyer isn't a good enough writer to capitalize on THAT aspect. Nope, it has to be about more vampiric aspects. The bloodsucking. Edward can't resist Bella's smell but...he doesn't suck her dry or even attempt to.  What the fuck? That's not a real flaw! His abusiveness is a real flaw, and NOBODY calls him out on this!

Most of the characters are fucking bland as fuck, but these two are the blandest. If you guys want to know who my favorite char in Twilight was, it was Jacob. Jacob, BEFORE he became the piece of crud he was in Eclipse. He had actual character development. He had actual CHARACTER. He was the closest thing to a real guy in the goddamn book. And what does Meyers do? Makes him as douchy as Edward in Eclipse. Mind you, reading his bits in Breaking Dawn was awesome, but the moment he fell in love with BELLA'S FREAKING BABY was the moment his characterization was flushed down the shitter.

Stephanie Meyer. Just... Stepahnie Meyer.

This is the last point I'll cover. Freaking. Meyer. She is RUDE to her fans. Just TERRIBLY rude. Writes them off like nothing. She's just milking them for all their worth like the greedy witch she is. And while I am glad it is not released, she goes on and throws a bitchfit after Midnight Sun was leaked on the internet a few years ago and then goes on to stop working on it. Now that's just plain stupid. Then again, after reading what was leaked... I think it was for the best. (Eddiekins becomes even more creepy when you see Twilight from his point of view.) She also went and said that if Edward or Jacob turned up at her door, she would leave her husband for them. RUDE, MUCH? Jesus, even in jest, that stings! And she doesn't improve. Oh no, she doesn't improve. She only gets WORSE with each book she writes. They're all bland and dry, like a piece of stale bread left out for way too long. Yet, fangirls jizz their panties over her shit. The witch keeps gloating like the Lord would if he actually managed to kick the Bar's collective ass.

In the words of Stephan King, "She can't write worth a damn."

Congrats, Meyer. You have made a mind-numbingly boring, bland, disgusting, plot-less, characterization-less wet dream about a pixie golem and his future pixie golem-to-be wife.



Do yourself a favor and shove yourself back to the womb you came from and never come back.