Cu Sith

 The dragon stared in mild amusement at the great stick of a man before him. He was used to human visitors bringing him offerings of food, gold, and women, while begging him not to destroy their villages and towns with fiery breath. This man, with his stick, lanky figure, his stupidly spiky hair, and a smug look just asking for it to be burned right off his face, had neither food, nor gold, nor even women. He didn't even seem to have enough meat on his bones to even have him as a light snack!  He was just there, existing where he shouldn't, still giving him that smug look.

The man just stood there for a while, looking at the lizard. Harmless. Not much those scrawny arms could do to a dragon anyway. Maybe he'd let him live, the dragon mused-

"Yo, fatty scales! Ain't cha suppose to greet a guest or sumthin? Are ya gonna sit on your fat ass and ignore me like one rude fucker?"

Then again, maybe not. The spines on his back raised up as he stood up on his hind legs, ready to breathe fire. Or at least, that was how he imagined it, but he had a hard time even standing up. After a few minutes of struggle, he sighed and just held his head high. "What does a toothpick of a human want with me, the great Arzek, fierce red dragon of the west?!" he snarled, glaring. "And who are you to speak with a sharp tongue?"

"I'm Hubert, first of all," the man started, pulling out a cigarrette from his pant pocket and jamming it into his mouth before lighting it up. "Second of all, ya call yourself fierce? With THAT pot belly?" He pointed a finger to a giant bulge on  Arzek's underbelly. "Puuuuhleaaase. You're just a fatass who hasn't moved his tush from this cave for fifty years. You talk a lot of shit to the people here, then eat up all their food like the most obese dragon of all time." Arzek's blood began to boil as Hubert continued, "Then you go ahead and try to take their bitches. Man, you must have had a bad sex life if you have to fuck a human woman. Hell, why would any girly dragon or whatever even take you with all that pudge? Come on man!"

"You have quite the sharp tongue," Arzek growled, taking a step forward and taking a deep breath. "It will be no good when I use your bones as toothpicks to clean the meat off my teeth, however!"

Hubert exhaled a large puff of smoke in a sigh. "Okay then, let me make this painfully clear so your stupid lizard brain can understand: Step the fuck up or shut the fuck up. All I'm hearin is all bark, no bite. Ya better put your money where your mouth is if ya wanna live. Either that or say your prayers to whoever the fuck you worship."

"And why should I be afraid of you?"

The scrawny human flashed him a toothy, shit-eatting grin. "You shouldn't be afraid of me. You should be afraid of them."

Arzek was about to ask who in the nine hells he was talking about when he felt pinpricks around his neck, back, and belly. He turned his head, only for the pain to amplify as wounds opened up and blood dripped down his neck. More cuts opened up and he reeled back in pain. Who the hell was doing this? Was this Hubert doing it? He took a sniff. No, not him. He has no scent of steel among him... but he could smell steel and a human scent aside from the man who stood before him.

One turn of his head towards his back was all he needed to do to see the intruder: a woman, clad in midnight black armor, a single blond braid running down the side of her face, a gladius in her hands. Annoyed, he exhaled a plume of fire towards the girl, watching her closely as she jumped away from the flames and jabbed his soft underbelly with sharp, cold, steel.  He swung his tail at her and, like a ballerina of death, she whirled around and swung her sword downward, chopping his tail into pieces, splattering blood everywhere. Blood seemed to be absorbed by the blade, drinking it like a vampire.

"HOW DARE YOU!" he hissed, wheeling around and exhaling another fiery breath. The armored woman held her ground though, using her sword as a makeshift shield. Pathetic human, he thought, heart pounding, burning with hatred. You can only hold out so long before your steel melts and melts your flesh. I look forward to your screams!

Meanwhile, Hubert yawned, plucking his cigarrette out of his mouth and breathing out a loud of smoke before tossing the cigarette down and stamping it out. "Boooooring," he said before pulling out a pocket watch, staring at the time. "Dinner's in two hours, Minda. Hurry up and use more of your vampiric magic voodoo and make this guy look like a chump! I don't want to miss Tira's giant chicken pot pie tonight! And I'mma get on your case if we miss it because you know how the guild is!"

"Trying," Minda said coldly, slowly making her way through the flames and slashing at Arzek's underbelly again, sword draining the blood from his body. She may have said something else, but her quiet voice was drowned out by Arzek's roars of pain.

"I didn't hear ya, toots. What did ya say?"

"I ASKED IF SHE'S READY!" Minda yelled before blocking  dragon claws with her blade.

"Geez, sorry I can't hear you over a crybaby dragon, vampire." Hubert turned around and looked off at something in the distance before turning back around and grinning. "Hold tubby back for just a teeeeny bit longer, alright?"

Arzek turned his head and breathed flames upon Hubert as he roared, "I AM NOT TUBBY, YOU PATHETIC TOOTHPICK!"

Hubert jumped back and chuckled. "Oh, I'm so sorry. Did I hurt your widdle feelings? Do I need to call your mommy and have her kiss your boo-boos? That's just saaaad. Talking shit to villagers and eatting their food and taking their money, yet you can't take an insult. Grow thicker scales, ya big, overgrown dragon baby."

"I'LL CRUSH YOU FOR YOUR IN-" Arzek stopped before he could finish. There was a sharp, cold pain in his back. The cold was spreading through his blood, through his veins. That was no good for any lizard, especially not a fire dragon. Wide-eyed, he turned his head and saw a giant spear of ice in his back. Before he could even scream in pain, it exploded in a wave of frost, leaving his body frozen stiff.

The toothpick of a man laughed- no, guffawed at the dragon's luck. "What was that about crushin me, tubs?" he asked, wiping a tear from his eyes. "Like I said, step up or shut up. Although now you don't have a choice but to shut up!" He turned back to the distance and yelled, "OI, KEVIN! GET YOUR BLOODY ASS OVER HERE AND SHOW HIM SOMETHIN ABOUT  CRUSHIN SHIT!"

Arzek could hear footsteps approaching, thumping on the ground. Getting louder and louder... monsterous footsteps. His heart would have sped up in fear of what was to come, but that was hard when you were a lizard whose body temperature was dropping rapidly out of a normal range. Louder and loudeer the footsteps became, before he saw a large man, dressed in a vest, skirt(or was it a kilt?) and boots made of fur, jump up and pull out a large hammer and smashed his skull.  The ice around his body shattered like glass as the dragon reeled and fell down, unable to move.

 "Took ya long enough," Hubert said, patting the monster of a man on the back. "Good on ya to actually help when it matters. Then again, ya always do that, eh?"

Kevin just stared. "I took a while because I didn't want to leave Carla all alone. You know how fragile she is. She's not meant to be in the front lines. And there are monsters out there that could take her out with ease."

"Oh, right, oops. Forgot we were talking about Carla. Speak of the devil, there she is!"

A little girl ran up to the group, her white braid of hair and little blue dress flowing in the wind. She was panting, sweatting, almost out of breath. "I-is it dead?" she asked, looking nervously at the creature.

Hubert looked at the dragon and punched him on the nose. Arzek snarled at him in retaliation. "Not yet, but I'll take care of that," he said curtly. "Go back to Cu Sith and tell the guildmaster we beat the everloving shit out of Arzek. He better get the quest giver to give us our cash, otherwise I'm gonna give him a talkin' to. And nobody wants that."

Cu Sith? That sounded familar to Arzek. He tried to remember where he heard of it as mage, knight, and beserker left, leaving only the scrawny one. When he remembered, his eyes widened in fear. By Tiamat's heart, Cu Sith is one of the most dangerous guilds in existance, from what I heard from other dragons! Someone wanted me defeated... Why else would they call upon the grim reapers of this blasted continent?

"Hey Arzek."

The dragon turned its scaly head towards him. "What do you want, hum- Hubert?" he growled. "I am defeated, done for. Why are you still here?"

Hubert took out what looked like a large orange and handed it to the dragon. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry," he said, looking timid as he stared down at his feet. "I mean, I really hurt your feelings, and I'm sorry. Here, take this as an appology, alright? Free of charge."

Skeptically, Arzek sniffed it before opening his mighty jaw and eatting it with one gulp. "You're not so bad of a human after all, Hubert. I forgive you."

The man reached into his pocket and looked like he pressed something, but Arzek ignored it. "Alright. I'll visit you some other time. Lose some weight while you're at it!"

"Oh sure, fine, whatev-"

"COUNTDOWN INITIATED," a robotic voice said suddenly. Arzek perked his head up and looked up for the source of the voice, only to find out it was in his belly. Did he eat someone just now?

Hubert had that same shit-eatting grin from earlier, giggling like a madman. "Oh, by the way?" he said with a snort. "That was a bomb. Have fun!"

Silence.

"THREE. TWO. ONE."


BOOM. Smoke bellowed from the dragon's mouth as he coughed and cursed Hubert's name, as the scrawny man ran like there was no tomorrow, his laughter echoing through the night.