Black Friday Special: Making Up for Lost Time

The first breath was always the hardest.

Dirt forced itself down his nose and mouth as he finally awoke from his slumber. He dared not open his eyes in fear of being blinded by the ground. All he could do is claw his way up, holding his breath, digging up and up and up...

When he could feel not dirt, but air, he pulled himself up and out, coughing up all that he had accidently swallowed and breathed in. And, of course, he opened his eyes.

The purple clouds of Relgion hovered overhead, the sun peeking out from its makeshift covers. The middle of nowhere, where only mutated coyotes and birds dared to tread. No trees, just bloodstained dirt from the many wars and fights that took place over the barren soil.


No surprise that he ended up here of all places. It would have been hard to reform with what little was left after Pestus was completely anihilated. Not to mention, it was in the vastness of space. Those itty bitty pieces had minds of their own, and they always prefered to reform somewhere where none would see it. After all, ressurection was such a disgusting sight to witness, with all the flesh of old bodies breaking apart and squirming their way towards this particular spot, even if was miles and miles and miles away. Like little earthworms, they would squirm...

Well, he was thankful he had absolutely no mind during that process. It sounded absolutely painfu-

 "Welcome back to the world of the living, dood!"

 He snapped out of his thoughts to turn to two prinnies, each one with a colored scarf.

 "You actually waited here?" he asked, puzzled.

 "Well, yeah, dood," said the green-scarfed prinny. "It's almost tradition at this point! You go and die, Renais gets worried and worried the closer the ressurection date gets, we come and wait as per usual, dood!"

 "Besides," added the yellow-scarfed prinny with a giggle, "we need to break some important news to you!"

 One of the prinnies handed him his usual butler suit, which he eagerly put on. The last thing he needed was to be wandering around naked. Probably another reason why those bits choose more discreet places to reform.

 "Which is...?"

 "We have lots of leftovers from Thanksgiving, dood! Sophia and I did a lot of cooking together and we overdid it!"

 Silence. A horrified look came across his face.

 "...What... what is today, Bonnie?"

 Bonnie flailed about happily and said in a cheery voice, "It's Black Friday, Master Gluttony! The day after Thanksgiving! The second best day of the year!"

 Gluttony, or rather Xavier du LeVouse, couldn't help but let out a groan.

 "I missed Thanksgiving. You're kidding me. Please tell me she's lying, Gonzales."

 "Sorry, dood," Gonzales replied with a shrug. "She's ri-"

 Both Prinnies witnessed their master falling onto his knees, a dark cloud hovering above his head.

 "Uh, dood? It's okay. We got leftovers."

 "Yeah, dood! We've got TONS of leftovers!"

 "B-but they taste better fresh out the oven," Gluttony whined. "And when eaten among friends! And with extra gravy!"

"You're just making excuses now."

"They're GOOD excuses, dammit!"

Both prinnies shrugged as Gluttony pouted a little more before he stood up straight and sighed. What's done is done. The question now was "What could be done now?" There were a lot of people he needed to thank, so many people he needed to apologize to. And it was Black Friday. And he DID have a healthy amount of money in his bank…

 “Guys?” he asked. “Are the malls still open?”

 Bonnie was quick on the draw when it came down to getting her phone out and searching for open shopping areas. “Definitely, dood!” she replied cheerfully, yellow scarf fluttering in the wind. “There’s always the Yamabiko Shopping District, but there’s also the Obsidian Mall and probably a “Discount Warehouse” somewhere with crazy deals, dood!”

 Gluttony smiled, an idea coming to mind. “Mind coming along with me to help with holiday shopping?”

 The Prinnies looked at each other in shock before turning to Gluttony, starry-eyed. Gonzales asked, “Y-you mean it, dood?! We’re really going Black Friday shopping?!”

“I don’t see why we shouldn’t, to be honest. Besides, I need to treat you guys for all the years of service. You’ve been with me for, what, 500 years now? You could have been reincarnated in all that time, but…”

 Bonnie shook her head. “Don’t you even worry about it, Master Dood! We’re here because we wanna be here! Right, Gonzy?”

 “Indeed,” agreed the green-scarfed prinny. “We swore our loyalty to you, just as Renais has. It is the least we could do, especially since we were kind of awful people in our lives, dood.”

 “And I thank you both for your service,” Gluttony said, bowing to his servants for a moment before saying, with a smile, “But enough of that! Let’s get going! The sooner we get there, the better deals we can get. And who doesn’t love a great deal~?”

And with a skip and a hop, the trio was off, heading towards civilization and the siren song of sales.

 When all was said and done… perhaps a human’s wallet would be crying in pain. Even with all of these deals, he still spent a lot of money. It was worth it, though. More than worth it.
Nothing could convince Gluttony otherwise was he sat at his desk, writing letter after letter and attaching them to the many gifts he got before sending them off. Each one, individualized.

“Dear Cauren,

I don’t think we talked for very long, nor was it really pleasant. I’m sorry for starting off on the wrong foot, but I’m unfortunately… ah… Well, the best way to put it is that I am mentally ill. It’s not much of an excuse, and I am terribly sorry for any cruelties I may have inflicted. Nevermind that, though. I heard you had a couple of mice, so I have supplied necessities for them as well as toys. And to feed your curiosity of the world, I think it would be best if I supplied you with this laptop. It can play most games just fine and it has a decent amount of space! Do enjoy, and know that my libraries are open to you whenever you wish it!”

“Tenshi,

A CONTENDER, TENSHI! YOU’RE A CONTENDER! ACT LIKE ONE! BECOME AS FAST AS LIGHTING AFTER TRAINING WITH THESE HEAVY BRACERS! TRAIN YOURSELF TO BECOME MORE POWERFUL WITH THIS WITCH-SHAPED PUNCHING BAG! HAVE THE ENERGY TO TANK EVERYTHING WITH A SIX PACK OF MONSTER! WIN THAT BBB5 NEXT YEAR! DO IIIIIT.

P.S. Do not drink all the Monster cans at once. You will see way too much, before you pass out. Trust me on this.”

“Dear Dirk,

This is a bit out of the blue, but in celebration of your continued love for Josephine, go out of your way for her by brewing your own Chococohol! Or beer in general! Or perhaps even fine wines! Oh, and dinner. I got you a cookbook filled with otherworldly ideas that will knock her off her feet, as well as a starter kit for brewing your own booze. Trust me, hand-crafted stuff tastes better when you work at it! Good luck~”

“Dear Conrad,

We haven’t met at all, but you’re kind of famous on the internet now due to some sheenanigans in the Hub or something or other. As someone who is thankful for your work, please take all these anime figurines. And by that, I mean the figurines I bought of your mother and father slaying various things. I may or may not have also included a chocolate fountain.

P.S. If there is one, it isn’t big enough to swim in. Sorry. :c “

“Yaaaarr, Skurvy!

Ye sail the seven seas!
Sail through the stars!
Sail through the galaxy
And even past Mars!

But yer missin’ some things
That ain’t a crew, don’t ya think?
Because yer throat may ache and scream
“Oh, how I need a drink!”

But worry not, my friend!
I look out for thee!
Take these cases of various rums
Courtesy of ol’ Gluttony!

How I wish I can see you
See the smile on your face!
But here is where we part
Because I’m running out of spa-“

“Madams Vina and Rebecca,

There is a pretty fat bounty in Sector 264. I believe it’s some giant pig monster who has a bad habit of eating people and hogging (heh) all the resources, and he’s a rather… huge threat to that particular sector due to his sheer power. Why am I telling you this? Because I hear his fat little head will fetch a pretty penny! Oh yes, I put some pretty sweet guns and ammo in this box to help out with whatever trouble you get into. Cheers~”

“Sine,

I told Cauren this, but I am terribly sorry about anything I may have said or done to you earlier. Living for 2000 years has done a number on my mind, not helped by the fact that I do not have the pleasure of ressurecting in another life, as a different person. I am anything but sane most of the time. I’m not exactly sure what to get you, but I have attached some special movie tickets for you and the ones you love. They don’t expire and can be used anywhere, exchanged for any movie currently playing. It’ll save money! …Except you’d have to pay for food, which is overpriced. Unfortunately. (Sneak in food from outside, if you can.)

Either way, have fun with that, and sorry again!”

“Jasper,

It takes a lot to call out Greed, and I think you caught his attention. Might want to stop over here if you have a chance and maybe eat all the hoard of valuables he has. His house looks like a mess with how much stuff he has! I included the address, if you care for it. Otherwise, I’ve just put some of the shiniest, most valuable things I could find (and pay for), to make up for Greed’s lack of presence. Next year, though~”

“Teshni,
Is a meeee!
I put little knitted dolls of all your friends! Please enjoy~!”

“Dear Sarah,

Thanksgiving is over, can you believe it? Oooooveeeer! And I didn’t get a nibble of food. It wouldn’t be enough for either of us, would it? Well, just in case it wasn’t enough, I’ve packed six boxes of dozen donuts of all sorts of flavors! Call it a sampler if you want to! …I didn’t nibble on any of them, though, I swear!

Please tell Alex and the other Xavier thank you for their hard work against Pestus, and I thank you, too, for your contribution. My home and library is open to all of you whenever you wish, so you guys could see Lilah or Sophia or, well… Heaven forbid you actually see me, but I’m here, too! With dozens of Prinnies!

Happy belated Thanksgiving~!”

"Daaaaaviiiiiid,

You crazy goat avatar of greed, I heard the news! Awful stuff going on in the Hub lately, huh? I dunno if I can help out much, but I can certainly try! Also, you haven't been coming to all these "Embodiment of _____" Parties lately and that makes Greed gloat a lot. Which is completely embarassing on my part because he's just a pile of mud with a bunch of stuff in him.

Aside from my offer to probably devour any idiot you need me to, I got a couple dozen ugly christmas sweaters for you to wear, and I got a couple pair of socks made from the soft undercoat of a baphomet. It's suuuuper soft. Trust me on this. And I got you a little sampler of cheeses and meat logs and other things. Sure, I don't think it could ever beat eating crystallized thoughts or, in the more metal way as some people would call it,  opening up a crab while it's still alive and eating it raw, buuut sometimes you have to have something a little more simple!

Besides, cheese is always a hit at parties!

Regardless, good luck with your coup against the oppressors!

P.S. You need to invite me to the classiest Hibachi possible when you can. Those sound like heaven~

P.P.S. I also attached a picture of me and the prinnies wearing stupid christmas sweaters. You're welcome."

All were signed in the same loving handwriting, although each had a doodle of himself related to the contents at the end.

“Sincerely,
 
Xavier du LeVouse

~Gluttony~”

There were a few other wrapped boxes that he did not send. These were for the residents of the manor and close friends over the years, but these could wait. Wait until Christmas…

The ever familiar feeling of hunger returned to him, much like flies to a corpse. A nagging feeling that only intensified with time. He had barely finished the last letter to send out before he found himself drooling on his hand, his mind clouded with thoughts of devouring Thanksgiving leftovers in one gulp. Those thoughts that consumed him every time, unbearable thoughts.

He fought against the tide, as he usually did. Trying to think of old memories, with old friends, of old times before Cassandra changed him for the worse. Trying to think of the future, so full of hope and possibilities, the end of his suffering and many others. Of those smiling faces, of that hope that had washed over him before his last breath a month ago, of everything good…

A losing battle, even now, as his last bit of sanity slipped away into darkness, and the hungry moan of Gluttony echoed through the manor.